Apparently I have an anger problem...

[auxioluck]

So, I'm not really sure what to do here.

It has come to my attention that a couple people I know, including co-workers, think I have an anger problem. Now, I think this stems from me getting mad at how much my job sucks, and me blurting out expletives throughout the day.

A friend of mine told me that they think it comes from my anger with my family. My parents' marriage is falling apart after over 30 years, and I'm kind of caught in the middle of it. My dad and mom are very passive-aggressive, so they never outright talk about stuff to each other, but they will talk about it to me, which inherently pisses me off. Every time my dad gets upset at my mom, he seems to take it out on me, and disguises it as something totally different to get mad at. He and I really got into it a couple nights ago, and I think we were ready to throw punches. I'm not a violent person, but I'm starting to reach my wits' end. I have told them many times that I refuse to get in the middle of it, but being their son, I would do just about anything for them, so I continue to be placed in the crossfire.

It was suggested that I get some self help books, which I personally think are fucking stupid. It's ironic that in an attempt to not be angry like my dad, I find myself getting angry in totally different ways. It was also discussed that this is the deep-rooted issue behind my constant emotional detachment from everything, as well as my inability to trust another human being, and my lack of faith in other people, not the least of which my lack of faith in humanity. I really don't feel like I have anger problem, I know I get angry, but we all do. I've never been violent, I like to sort out my anger with words.

I'm not really sure what to do here. I'm thinking I really need to just get away from everything for awhile. Maybe take a trip out of town to see some old friends or something. If I had the money, I would move out of the country. Permanently.

I dunno, anyone else been given this pep talk about anger? Anybody have some suggestions or ways to deal with it? (Besides playing guitar and getting a punching bag? I do both. ) I dunno, thanks in advance for listening.

 

[Daemoniac]

Oh dude, with regard to that family stuff, same thing happened to me.. but when my parents finally divorced, my mum moved away to a different state... and then my dad followd :s

All i can say is that you will find something that makes you feel better man, its just a matter of finding out what that is. I never really found exerting physical energy to help all that much, it just kind of drives you further, my thing was always music. Hell, even if you can just find something (if your job is mindless enough) that you can just thikn about when you get angry... i dont know if it will help you, but it made me feel better

Hope it helps man, and i hope everything works itself out. That stuff sucks

 

[darren]

A "short fuse" can also be a symptom of depression. And by "depression" i don't mean "sadness" but actual clinical depression... a chemical imbalance in your brain where certain neurotransmitters aren't being absorbed properly, causing your brain to respond in ways you're not expecting.

If it's affecting your relationships with other people or your work, you should absolutely go and talk to your doctor about it. They can determine if it is in fact depression, and prescribe drugs and/or therapy to help get you back on track.

Living in a stressful and volatile situation certainly can't be helping, but i wouldn't suggest writing it all off as a product of your environment.

 

[Daemoniac]

Living in a stressful and volatile situation certainly can't be helping, but i wouldn't suggest writing it all off as a product of your environment.

Thats basically what i did for ages, thought it was because of my situation, turned out i had depression and 'ADHD'...

 

[Harry]

That sucks man
Whatever you do though, don't let yourself get worse.
I have had full blown anxiety, serious paranoia (to the point where for about 2 months barely left the house and just posted about 100 posts a day on a forum and just in general freaking out whenever I was in the general public).
Honestly, if you think you have problems, see a doctor about it.
And well, it sounds like you need not to just get it away from it "temporarily", but permanently.
No point getting away from a stressful situation for a while, and just coming back to it, in the long term that wont make you feel any better.

 

[DavyH]

See a professional - there are plenty of people on here who can empathise with you, but not too many qualified enough to reach the right diagnosis. So long as you know you have support, that always helps ....... but not always enough.

Keep it together man.

 

[Harry]

Thats basically what i did for ages, thought it was because of my situation, turned out i had depression and 'ADHD'...

I wouldn't be surprised if I was ever diagnosed with depression.
Most likely case is that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Of everything I've looked at, I fit the profile to an APD sufferer the best

 

[TonalArchitect]

There's all sorts of things that are simply to difficult to communicate over this medium. I wouldn't necessarily say that it is your environment, but I wouldn't discount it either.

I know it's difficult and maybe you have done this, but have you tried talking calmly to your parents about how they may be contributing to the situation and not helping it? Approach them, tell them about their passive-aggressive tendencies (which, in my opinion, cause craptons of frustration).

About your job, it's probably not forever is it? It might suck now, but you didn't say why. Maybe search for a new job.

In any case try actively to sort out the situation, which I'm sure you have tried to do. But this time approach it from a calm, collected, determined angle. Be patient, since this might take a while and seem to have little progress, but don't let that discourage you. It might take a lot of work, but if you quit trying or don't try, it might never improve.

There is the possibility that you have clinical depression. Don't self-diagnose, see a therapist. And, of course, treatment doesn't have to be "take this pill," but will likely include therapy and perhaps medication.

Self-help books get lots of crap in America, which still clings violently to the belief that all psychologists are disciples of Freud's psycholoanalytic empirically unsupported methods. Not true. Some of the "trendy" looking stuff... I don't know; stay away. But there are some good texts out there.

One therapy paradigm I found interesting was Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, created by Albert Ellis. It involves re-ordering your thinking to bypass depression. It has a pretty good success rate, I think Ellis claimed ~80%, and I think therapies typically have a 60-80% success rate.

Anyway, the book of his that I read (the dude's been alive since, like, 1913, and has written a lot of stuff) was "The Myth of Self Esteem."

I've been typing a lot and am now disoriented, so forgive any structural incoherence, but there are many solutions if you do have depression or another disorder, and they are not "throw drugs at the problem."

Hope this helps.

 

[maliciousteve]

I know how you feel. My parents divorced when I was a kid but shit really hit the fan about 5/6 years ago which led to me not speaking or seeing my Dad. I haven't spoken to him as a father since I was 15. Since then I've spoken to him twice, once because my grandad had passed and we both went to the funeral and the other because we had a 'discussion'. I have a step-dad who I consider to be my 'father' as he made me who I am and has done a hell of alot for me so I turned out better than I would of been.

I get angry very easily because of it and hate settling for anything less than what I want.

• I found being around friends more, really helped as well as having a girlfriend.
• Keeping productive and focused also really helps as it takes your mind off things.

 

[noob_pwn]

hey man,
I've been in similar fucked up situations, my best advice is to go get some counselling, it may cost a bit but you can't put a price on your wellbeing. It saved my life.

 

[cpnhowdy]

Self-help books get lots of crap in America, which still clings violently to the belief that all psychologists are disciples of Freud's psycholoanalytic empirically unsupported methods. Not true. Some of the "trendy" looking stuff... I don't know; stay away. But there are some good texts out there.

One that I re-read from time to time which helps with my anger is Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. The title sounds like it would be a business type book instead of self-help but it deals with how people create problems and how we deal with them.

I often find myself getting very angry at people when I ride the crowded train or when people bump into me. I can say Ive developed an anger problem gradually while living in Japan due to the lack of space awareness by people here. When I lived in the states I hardly ever got angry.
That book helps me to deal with the choices I make and have made. Give it a shot.
Amazon.com: Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box: Arbinger Institute, The Arbinger Institute: Books