Borderline and using guitar to cope?

[Cannibalcricket]

BPD has been a twisted and terrible ride that I used to try and avoid dealing with by tripping on cough meds. Been sober for a couple years and the hole I used to fill with drugs has been just as empty. I used to have sobriety be the gem that sat in that spot and just white knuckle the mood swings. Not doing drugs isn't enough though and copping with anything really just became an exercise in bottling it all up and stuffing it away. The whole point of picking up a guitar was to learn to deal with these perception issues and see things how they are. Which has been a new struggle to stay with it. Now I can catch myself actually having these mood swings that go so far beyond the scope of just playing guitar poorly. It's the first time I have really caught a glimps of this monster in me that I have refused to acknowledge. I love playing this thing, but I am not good, and it frightens me sometimes because I can't delude myself into thinking that my behavior is normal. Seeing myself as I am and as I am percieved is not easy and I am just getting started

 

[wheresthefbomb]

Music can be incredibly therapeutic, but that only goes so far. I'm sure I'm not the first person to say this to you, but it sounds like you could benefit greatly from the right therapist. I wish you all the best on your path.

 

[Cannibalcricket]

Thanks, the encouragement is greatly appreciated.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

Agree 100% with @wheresthefbomb

Hopefully you're willing and able to see a therapist about these issues but you need to be able to stop your mind from spiraling and subsequently reaching an explosive or depressive point by a means of controlling your reactions to whatever outside stimulus that has impeded your thoughts.

It's not easy and you may indeed benefit from professional intervention but managing your negative or volatile feelings is vital to maintaining or regaining mental/ emotional solace over things that might otherwise amplify depressive, anxious, frustrating, or angry episodes.

Playing guitar is really not a puzzle-piece regarding an actual solution to what you're dealing with although it seems that the codependency issues might certainly be part of where you're at currently. Hobbies and interests can be avenues to self-satisfaction, relaxation, validation, self-awareness, etc... but they are not going to "fix" the root issue(s).

Best of luck with this, bud.

 

[Cannibalcricket]

Speaking with a professional is the best way to deal with this, I do agree with both of you. As you may suspect, I am the weak link in that situation. It is difficult to trust in general and then not seeing things clearly does not help. Playing this instrument I just want to be able to branch out and develope as a person. Learn to just take things as they come? These are all great points and talking in general helps me comprehend this. Thank you for taking the time

 

[TedEH]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a proper treatment for BPD? I've got a friend who was diagnosed with it after some wild episodes, and between a therapist and some prescribed meds, their life has improved significantly, or at least it appears that way from the outside. 100% get professional advice on this rather than guessing.

 

[Cannibalcricket]

Glad your friend is doing well. I've been through many different prescriptions. From what I have tried it has not gone well. Hard thing to swallow after finally getting off my own self medicating. Been through a few psychotherapists. Some were good some not so great. Diagnosis took some time to settle on because of overlapping issues and then accepting that was another matter. Navigating the professional side of things has been a frustrating journey that I am not eager to jump back into. Not saying I won't but my head feels fucked and it isn't great having it fucked with more. Just want to get a grip and not slip. Put the guitar away and back to the doc. Got it

 

[TedEH]

Put the guitar away and back to the doc. Got it

I mean, I never said put the guitar away. I'm 100% a believer in the idea that personal comforts go a long way, as long as it's not a replacement for more proper therapies. There's no reason you can't, or shouldn't, do both.

 

[Cannibalcricket]

I understand. It was an oversimplification on my part.

 

[slippityslaps]

Speaking with a professional is the best way to deal with this, I do agree with both of you. As you may suspect, I am the weak link in that situation. It is difficult to trust in general and then not seeing things clearly does not help. Playing this instrument I just want to be able to branch out and develope as a person. Learn to just take things as they come? These are all great points and talking in general helps me comprehend this. Thank you for taking the time

I am sorry you are going through this, it is not easy and being strong all the time eventually replaces with exhaustion and shut down. Everyone has a gauge and depletes/recharges differently. You are definitely not alone in having a hard time trusting people with vulnerability.
I'd like to reassure you that a good therapist will not coerce you to open up right away. They'll want to let you get a feel for it first, and if you feel comfortable, can start to open up. I went "shopping" for the one that worked for me, I see her twice a month and have been for almost a year.

 

[odibrom]

Playing guitar (music) is not (only) about being good at, but about:
1 - enjoying the moment
2 - appreciating sound, its vibrations and its nuances
3 - occupying the mind by connecting senses, focused brain activity and action or decision making
4 - understanding the music is a portal that decelerates time
5 - a way to express emotions and ideas
6 - and yeas, a path about becoming good, but the "good" just means better than your yesterday self, it's not a race and there's no finishing line but death, and even so... so, go back to #1...

Consider these points and have them present when playing, listening to music or guitar. It's a meditation starting point. Take these ideas with you wherever you go and adapt them to your needs. Today's society is truly fucked up and we need a huge amount of energy to process everything and not let the fucked up world get into our bones. Breath in each and every chord strum, riff or lick and let those feed your soul. Don't question them, feed on them, more so if from your own hands.

Art has always been a soul therapy path, even when artists don't actually notice it as so.

Best of luck.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

music is a portal that decelerates time

I've had variations of this thought but never seen it put so succinctly and poetically.

 

[Cannibalcricket]

Thanks for the encouragement. Feeling alone and then taking a breath and looking at the reality that I am not, and that others have had success. It helps to keep putting one mental foot in front of the other. So far talk therapy goes well. Trying to see things as they are instead of how they "feel" is a slippery beast sometimes but I am starting to see a pattern

 

[odibrom]

Success has many meanings, it's not only achieving fame. Don't follow hollow dreams of being famous, just do epic shit that makes you feel good... fame should be a consequence, not a goal.