Metal styles explained through dragon/princess story

[jaredowty]

You guys have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious...

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, fucks her again, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess’s bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

GRINDCORE:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

EMOCORE:
The protagonist's mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome arm-spinning and spin-kicking while his friends observe the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughs at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.

PUNK:
The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as “monarchist cunt” and “commerce bitch” and leaves the castle in a black maria.

PORNO GRIND:
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the dragon’s and princess’s remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly for a few minutes. Then he leaves.

POP ROCK:
The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mom who is a big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married.

GOTHIC METAL:
The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon until it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.

METALCORE:
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidentally knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine.

 

[ohio_eric]

 

[Jarrett]

 

[NegaTiveXero]

That's great.

 

[Unknown Doodl3.2]

LOL awesome

 

[Mark. A]

Hahahaha, the prog one made me LOL

 

[playstopause]

good stuff!

 

[Desecrated]

addition:

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving. Then when returning home to fatherland he joins the KKK under a different name and support white power groups discretly

 

[Kagami]

you thinking about thrash metal instead...with hanneman...

 

[DDDorian]

PROGRESSIVE DEATH-FUSION:

The protagonist arrives at the castle aback his transvestite Soundwave replica and executes a blinding flurry of light-speed punches and kicks in time signatures the dragon cannot predict, killing it. Only seconds after her rescue, the princess is deserted by the protagonist who leaves to go record solos for a Konkhra album. Thre princess jumps out the tower window to her death out of sheer impatience; the protagonist holds Pestilence accountable.

 

[distressed_romeo]

PROGRESSIVE DEATH-FUSION:

The protagonist arrives at the castle aback his transvestite Soundwave replica and executes a blinding flurry of light-speed punches and kicks in time signatures the dragon cannot predict, killing it. Only seconds after her rescue, the princess is deserted by the protagonist who leaves to go record solos for a Konkhra album. Thre princess jumps out the tower window to her death out of sheer impatience; the protagonist holds Pestilence accountable.

E-rep!!!!

Seen it before...still hilarious though!

 

[Kagami]

PROGRESSIVE DEATH-FUSION:

The protagonist arrives at the castle aback his transvestite Soundwave replica and executes a blinding flurry of light-speed punches and kicks in time signatures the dragon cannot predict, killing it. Only seconds after her rescue, the princess is deserted by the protagonist who leaves to go record solos for a Konkhra album. Thre princess jumps out the tower window to her death out of sheer impatience; the protagonist holds Pestilence accountable.

lmfao omg

 

[Metal Ken]

you thinking about thrash metal instead...with hanneman...

god forbid a man have a hobby collecting WWII memoribilia...

 

[Naren]

That list's a lot longer than the last time I saw it. Funny stuff.

 

[Shawn]

Nice!

 

[skinhead]

HARDCORE:
The guy starts doing some agressive mosh pit, with the arms, like hitting somone in the floor. Then the dragon arrives to him and he hit it with a punch. He kills the dragon with that, then he goes to the princess room and he jumps into the bed and start hitting her. "Yeah girl, in mosh pit we hit people that's in the floor".

MESHUGGAH METAL:
Starts playing some polyrythims and the dragon starts to confuse, the he starts using the Breath controller and the dragon implodes. He goes to the princess room and start fucking her with the same riffs at the guitar, he does the same riffing but fucking.

OI!:
The Skinhead arrives and start discuting with the dragon "Who the fuck are you stupid, you think that i'm afraid you because you have fire in your mouth and are 10 times bigger than me, you'r fucking wrong" He starts fighting and wons, then he take a spary can and start tagging "OI!" on all the place till he gets to the princess room. He shaves her head an they go to drink some guinnes beer.

 

[Cancer]

VIDEO GAME METAL:The protagonist arrives with 4 friends, orders pizza, and fires off his best riffs in Guitar Hero 2. The protagonist is eventually left by the Princess because he'd rather slay dragons in WOW.

 

[Metal Ken]

WTF Is up with thrash? Its just like heavy metal, except there's no beer and harleys! Thats not thrash at all!

Thrash would be drinking more beer, slaying the dragon way faster and fucking the princesss WAY harder. Then cover the Ghost Busters theme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZVQv_bttaY

 

[Naren]

WTF Is up with thrash? Its just like heavy metal, except there's no beer and harleys! Thats not thrash at all!

Thrash would be drinking more beer, slaying the dragon way faster and fucking the princesss WAY harder. Then cover the Ghost Busters theme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZVQv_bttaY

I was thinking the same thing, dude. I reread "Heavy Metal" and "Thrash Metal" like three times because I couldn't really see the difference. "I thought. Okay, I get the 'no harley' comment, but it should have MORE beer and faster killing... and more violent sex."

 

[Metal Ken]

exactly. clearly, the definition needs to be re-written.