Movies That Suck and Why

[groph]

Title says it all. List movies that you think suck total ass and give a brief explanation why so it isn't a bunch of boring lists and so we can have at least an intelligent flame war.

ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE

1) Antichrist - Lars von Trier can suck it. I don't get this movie. Yeah, I get it that nature (or women, but this apparently wasn't Lars' aim) is the greatest evil out there, but that fucking talking fox was impossible not to laugh at. I followed the plot and all, but I guess I don't appreciate independent film.

2) 2012 - The explosions and giant chasms are great. The three hours of trying to get a door on a boat to close properly and the nearly stock script/overall storyline sucked total ass.

3) Avatar - No, I am not just saying this to sound edgy. Complete overhype. Nothing about that movie blew me away. Yeah, the special effects were great (probably some of the best CGI ever) but nowadays special effects are fucking everywhere. The 3D part of the movie just gave me a headache. The plot was completely generic and there was absolutely nothing I haven't seen before. I can't believe people actually killed themselves over this monotonous children's story.

4) 300 - You read that correctly. Same as above. After the 4,000th Persian was tossed down a bottomless pit by a man in the throes of an agonizing hernia it started to get stale. Wasn't half as "OMGEPIC" as it was cracked up to be. People really shouldn't talk about movies until I see them. I did like the scene where Leonidas's wife shanks that dude.

5) Pearl Harbor - I want to see more dogfights and peeling skin. Not Ben Affleck making out with some chick draped in parachutes for 2 1/2 hours. The stuttering guy was kind of funny, but then again I was probably 12 when I saw that movie. When shit is blowing up, this movie rules. When the movie is blowing shit, it sucks.

6) Star Wars - Episode III - Hayden Christiansen needs to stop acting, or at least die. Don't get me wrong here, Star Wars is probably the greatest achievement of Western culture, but Hayden Christiansen is hands down the worst actor. Jar Jar Binks is less annoying.

7) Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow - I don't really remember much of this movie, other than the fact that it was completely awful. I guess it's a repressed memory.

8) Passchendaele - This movie makes me ashamed that Paul Gross is Canadian. It nearly does a disservice to the men who went through that shit in the First World War. It has the typical moments in war movies where the soldiers are sitting in trenches getting all "why are we here fighting" philosophical, but when Paul tries this, it sounds like he's making it all up on the spot. Add in that stupid, stupid, stupid kid who joins up and gets himself killed in slow motion and you're left with a crappy war movie. At least someone gets hatcheted in the back of the head.

9) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theatres or whatever the fuck it's formally called - The show is pretty good, but the movie suffers from TV Show Movie Syndrome, in which it sucks. The whole "lolrandom" humor is alright in 15 minute doses once or twice a month whenever you catch ATHF on TV, but the movie is far too overdone.

10) South Park - Bigger, Longer, and Uncut - Even though I'm flattered they attempted to honor my man parts with the title, the movie seemed to be like one of those early first or second season episodes where the show didn't really get all that funny yet but it's drawn out for a couple of hours, stitched onto a mediocre plot. It's not THAT bad, I'm just running out of bad movies I can think of.

/douchey movie critic

 

[Bungle]

It's funny you should start this thread on the same day that I posted (what I feel) is a semi-intelligent argument on another forum about a film I'd seen recently and that I thought was terrifically shit.



Before I talk about the film I've just seen, let me start by saying that when I start to watch a film, even if I'm not getting in to it, or I think it's a shitty movie, I will still feel compelled to finish it. It's almost obsessive compulsive. A while back I started watching Missing In Action. It should go without saying it didn't get finished, which brings me to:

The City Of Lost Children (TCOLC)

Seriously. Words cannot describe the shitness of this film. At least with MIA it appeared as though they were trying to make the best film they could with the budget (and "actors") that they had, with TCOLC however, feels as though they are trying to make the shittest film possible.

The movie feels like a joke, and the butt of that joke I suspect are the people that praise it for being so arty and imaginative. My argument, is that it is not arty, it's just random shit for the sake of random shit to pass itself off as arty. Like the painting "Onement 1" by Barnett Newman.

I will admit the sets are fun to look at and there is a little bit of steampunk in some of the production design, which I thought was pretty sweet. And the siamese woman cooking dinner was well done. And it had Ron Perlman. Granted, it was Ron Perlman acting badly and speaking shitty French, but it was still Ron Perlman.

It also had a poor acting and a terrible story (a madman stealing babies dreams to prevent his premature aging). The other thing that irritated me to no end was that the film is set in a weird kind of backwards cartoon-like world that the film-makers make no attempt to explain. Is it set in the past? A post apocalyptic future? An alternate reality? Is it on another planet? I wouldn't mind the strange world the move is set in if there was an explanation as to what kind of strange world it was. For example, Star Wars; the first thing you see is "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" which then allows you to flick the realism switch inside your brain to "off" and gives George Lucas the artistic licence to do pretty much whatever he wants. TCOLC does not do this though, and I spent almost the entire time trying to work out where and when the film was taking place, which just takes all the fun out.

In summary, my opinion is that you avoid this film. Avoid it like a lice infested, AIDS ridden plague rat.

Hayden Christiansen needs to stop acting

Dude. He never started

 

[MFB]

I'm convinced 2012 was created only for the sake of an awesome drinking game

 

[M3CHK1LLA]

• 2012
• clash of the titans - new ver (orig. still rocks)
• transformers 2

all were too over the top! in order for a movie to be good it has to be believable - yes even sci fi has to be to make the story work. i love special effects but today that seems like thats what it is all about. no story really, nothing to make you understand or care for the main characters.

the thing i hated about these movies were they are too fast paced - they try to cram 3 movies into 2 hrs. it would be better to make a great film instead of seeing how much cg's could be packed in it.

and im sick of having someone nearly get killed and barely escape danger evey 5 min. in the movie. you are tense for the first 3-4 times but then you realize the good guys will make it out of the impossible situations cause the movie has only been on for 20 min. - anyone else notice this?


ps - robin hood was ok, no where near as epic as gladiator.

 

[Thep]

I completely agree about Avatar. Its like Pocahontas mixed with FernGully mixed with Halo.

Hostel- laughable gore, idiotic plot, horrible acting, too much boobs (takes away the excitement scene after scene)

The Road- a post-apocalyptic movie (that doesn't tell how the world ended) where a father and son walk around (running if cannibals are nearby) and find food until the father dies. That was literally the entire movie. Too fucking long and monotonous.

 

[jymellis]

alien versus predator the first one. i thought requim was pretty cool but the first one dissapointed me beyond words

 

[MFB]

• 2012
• clash of the titans - new ver (orig. still rocks)
• transformers 2

all were too over the top! in order for a movie to be good it has to be believable - yes even sci fi has to be to make the story work. i love special effects but today that seems like thats what it is all about. no story really, nothing to make you understand or care for the main characters.

the thing i hated about these movies were they are too fast paced - they try to cram 3 movies into 2 hrs. it would be better to make a great film instead of seeing how much cg's could be packed in it.

and im sick of having someone nearly get killed and barely escape danger evey 5 min. in the movie. you are tense for the first 3-4 times but then you realize the good guys will make it out of the impossible situations cause the movie has only been on for 20 min. - anyone else notice this?


ps - robin hood was ok, no where near as epic as gladiator.

I found the new Clash of the Titans to be really well done, and I say that not because of whatever-her-name-is that play Io

 

[jymellis]

the devils rejects. it was to me a long drawn out police chase with little to no action and a horrible ending

 

[ralphy1976]

2012, Avatar (same reason as OP), clash of the titans, Hellboy 2, Star Wars 1 to 3, to some extend the other 3, aliens 4, Terminator 3, Rambo 2 & 3, the jaws sequels, Wild Wild West...

On another note, i thought ninja assassin was totally bad ass!!! fucking they are everywhere!!!

 

[Deadseen]

All of the above.-

 

[MF_Kitten]

just about anything that is heavily advertised, i´d say. awesome trailers for shitty movies. i don´t like the movie industry these days. movies tend to have crap stories with simplicity just beyond that of a children´s movie, and rely entirely on stars and effects and razzle dazzle. most movies i can still enjoy just for the fact that it´s light entertainment, and i´m fine with that. what pisses me off is when a movie tries to be something else than that, and fails miserably. there´s always too much money involved.

an example of a movie you should never see: the premonition. just fuck right off with this. why?

spoiler alert!

it´s about sandra bullock travelling back and forth between weekdays, trying to solve some mystery. the first thing that happens in the movie is that her husband is killed in a car accident. then one day she wakes up and he´s alive again, because she went back in time to the beginning of the week. then she wakes up later in the week, and her kid has all sorts of facial wounds, and she´s like WTF, and then she wakes up a different day... you get the deal now? she tries to find out when things happened in the week and piece things together so she can stop it or something. then in the end she actually ends up CAUSING the accident that kills her husband. then comes the biiiig let-down: she talks to a fucking priest about it, and he´s like "yeah, sometimes these things happen, and you can´t really change it" and something else like that, and basically there was never anything to fix or alter. there was no mystery to solve. she couldn´t change it anyway. she just got fucking flung back and forth through motherfucking time for the hell of it, only to cause the accident that caused her to start being flung around time, and there was no reason. basically you´re left with a feeling of everything you´ve witnessed up until then being rendered invalid. seriously, that movie pissed me off so badly.

let´s move on.

m. night shyamalan movies used to be good. then he kept doing the same damn thing over and over again. i think that if you´ve never seen one of his films before, then any of his films can be enjoyable. but that´s about it. 6th sense: great. unbreakable: fantastic. signs: not too bad. the village: interesting. everything after that: OH COME ON! everything literally relies in there being a huge twist!

i think Avatar was pissed all over by the hype. it´s sad, because it´s actually a really awesome movie. is the storyline unique? no. it´s just really well executed. people were so dazzled by the effects that they blew the awesomeness of the movie out of proportion. it´s a good movie, it´s well executed, it´s fascinating to watch, and it performs all the emotional cues really well. Was it groundbreaking? no. it was just well done.

i don´t watch most movies when they come out, and most of them i still won´t watch ever.

when i saw A.I again the other day (it was on tv and i was bored a lil´), i realized just how cheezy that movie is. there are scenes that are laid out just to show off how awesome the effects are (at the time of course). it tries to come off as more serious than it´s own story. i like the idea, and if they hadn´t shat all over it (the result of too much money involved), it could´ve been a good movie. it´s a really sad movie, and it even has a really melancholic ending. it´s just a constant downhill of emotion (in a good way). the problem is that it was executed in the shittiest possible way. had it been a cartoon, it would´ve been much better. less money involved, less crap, less pretentiousness about how things look.

 

[mikernaut]

Well it's all gonna come down to personal preferences and opinions.

I could not disagree more with Bungle's review of City of the Lost Children, As it's one of my favorite movies. To me it was very mysterious, quirky and very creative. It kept me fascinated and entertained. Also foreign films can be quite different in execution, influence and storytelling.

Soo much better then the drivel Hollywood keeps churning out.

Alot of people also pick on Avatar. yes, it's a simple straight forward premise. It's Cowboys vs Indians, the evils of human nature messing up mother nature for their own greed. etc.

But you also gotta consider if Cameron would have made the story really complex he'd lose alot of audience, because they 1st gotta be willing to accept the weird visuals and the alien race. I also think that's why some people automatically don't even give it a chance they just go "blue cat people F*** that, thats dumb" . They are just being narrow minded from the get go.

Cameron is trying to get his 3d tech off the ground so I believe he on purpose wanted to keep the story straight forward and easily digestible for the public. Not to mention it's a pretty straight forward theme anyways. (Humans screwing up the planet and anything that stand in their way) He's just trying to evoke emotion and get you thinking about morals and consequences.

now talk about disappointing movies, Resident Evils, and what has happened to the Alien and Predator franchises.

 

[jymellis]

2012, , Star Wars 1 to 3, to some extend the other 3,

ralphy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Xaios]

I have to disagree with ralphy1976 regarding Hellboy 2, I thought that movie was marvelous, especially compared to the first one, which I didn't think was all that great.

I mostly agree with just about every movie pointed out, and there's another "classic" movie from the 80's I want to point out. I'm not going to give any reasons, I'll let you meditate on it yourself, but I quite dislike this movie...

The Goonies.

 

[pink freud]

I liked Sky Captain. It made no apologies for being a throwback movie, with campyness included.

Let's see:

Napoleon Dynamite
Ghost Ship
Modern slasher/gore horror movies in general

Those are all movies that I couldn't sit through the entirety.

 

[Opeth666]

Twilight saga....why? well you might as well be hellen keller if you do not understand why its the worst movie ever

 

[s_k_mullins]

3) Avatar - No, I am not just saying this to sound edgy. Complete overhype. Nothing about that movie blew me away. Yeah, the special effects were great (probably some of the best CGI ever) but nowadays special effects are fucking everywhere. The 3D part of the movie just gave me a headache. The plot was completely generic and there was absolutely nothing I haven't seen before. I can't believe people actually killed themselves over this monotonous children's story.

Couldn't agree more with this post!

Also, the Twilight films (of course) for their terrible fucking acting, modern remakes of classic horror films for losing all the appeal that the old ones had, and The Happening... what a disappointing fucking movie that was.

 

[That_One_Person]

Biodome

 

[s_k_mullins]

Biodome

and almost everything else with Pauly Shore

 

[jymellis]

I

Napoleon Dynamite
.

+100000 i hated it. only funny part was where the guy hit him in the head with the meat