Movies That Suck and Why

[Murmel]

Matrix 2 & 3: Reason being, they took the original Matrix movie that could've/would've been a nice epic existentialist mindfuck and turned into a hurried, half-assed lesson in how NOT to follow up with sequels. The Wachowski brothers should have been drawn and quartered for this epic fail.

Star Wars (all of them redone): George Lucas, add yet another fan you alienated and disenfranchised by smearing your fat greedy paw prints all over what could've/should've been left the fuck alone. He never should have "retouched" the first 3 (ep. 4-6) and probably should have definitely stayed away from the last 3 (ep. 1-3). Acting, effects and story for the last 3 were unforgivable. Fucking with my childhood on the first 3? That's a much needed trip to sleep with the fishes. Fuck you GL. Go drink a pint of Goneria.

Eddie Murphy movies: Take one once great comic and throw him in everything to see what sticks. Recipe for feces. He sucks. His movies suck. Old stuff is classic, new stuff, not so much.

Gerard Butler movies: He fit well in 300 even if it was a homo-erotic porn dressed as an action flick. He fit well in Rocknrolla. Short of that, he's a shit stick. I met him on Sunset Blvd and he was cool in person but his latest movies make me want to puke.

Cameron Diaz movies: You were hot in The Mask w/ Jim Carrey. After that some stuffed suit must have convinced you to drop the baby weight and make yourself more marketable. You suck. Your movies suck. "My Sister's Keeper"? Really? I haven't laughed that much at one person's personal tragedy since The Exorcist. Fuck off.

Arthouse/Indy movies: Fuck you. You're not as important as you think you are. You're movies are lame and relegated to the bargain bins. If it weren't for your birkenstock wearing, caffe latte douching, granola crunching, new age hippie crystal healing drum circle banging in the woods plant loving hybrid driving planet molesting animal rights coppronecrophiliac sycophants you'd be nowhere.

Kids movies: Fuck you. Your animation sucks. Your direction sucks. Your stupid balancing act between pleasing the slack-jawed troglodyte cherubs and fist-fucking the adults in the audience with "grown up humor" is as vapid and transparent as the skin you're printed on. Up? Up your ass. Bee Movie? Bitch movie. Toy Story 3? Anal Toy Story 3000. It's all about merchandising and dumbing down the next generation of idiots.

I bow to thee ranting skills my lord. I laughed hard while reading this

 

[Scar Symmetry]

JUNO. Because nothing happens and they play 18 variations of the same song throughout.

 

[poopyalligator]

He focuses more on the fact that he makes movies/shows for black people than actually paying attention to it being complete shit
Your black, your audience is black, hooray! now quit making complete shit

This. Heck even watch something like everybody hates chris. That show obviously has some racial humor, but all in all it stands up really well and can be funny to just about everybody. All of tyler perrys stuff is like "oh no he didn't" type of humor.

 

[MFB]

This can also be read as:

"Dude, you have an opinion?! I'm upset about it. I don't like it. Here's my suggestions to change that."

 

[groph]

Biodome

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Toy Story 3? Anal Toy Story 3000. .

LOL


Thought of a few more.

Constantine - This put the final nail in the coffin for my opinion on Keanu Reeve's acting ability. He's not even that good in the Matrix series, at least the movies are decent enough (first was the best, second was kind of cool, third has the epic war but otherwise nothing special) that you kind of overlook him. Redeeming qualities of the movie: Rachel Weisz, and Peter Stormare playing Satan.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (remake) - Again with the Keanu Reeves. Now for the reason the movie blows. There's no giant battle in it. You can't make a movie where aliens land on Earth and not have a giant battle. There's probably not one in the original either but at least then it was an original story.

Lost in Space (remake) - Aside from Lacey Chabert being in it (no pedophile, she's older than me and if I need my fill of her in final form I can just watch Mean Girls which is honestly one of my favorite movies), this movie was an intense borefest. Watched it ages ago when I was a wee one, watched it again last year and I was glad when it was over.

Battlefield Earth - If you haven't read the reviews, read them. It's based on one of L Ron Hubbard's novels, only this time it's just a movie and not an organized religion. Of course John Travolta is in it, along with the sniper from Saving Private Ryan. It's a contender for one of the worst movies ever made according to actual critics. Sometimes those movies are fun to watch for a laugh because they're so terrible, and that's what I was hoping for with this movie. Nope. The plot holes only made me angry, the dialogue is RETARDED, the plot makes no fucking sense whatsoever, and seriously every other shot is tilted 45 degrees and tinted purple or yellow.

Allow me to sum the movie up.

John Travolta invaded Earth a thousand years ago. His race (the "Psyklos" from the planet "Psyklo") have enslaved the human race (called man-animals) to mine gold. The human race has devolved into a mockery of cavemen who actually make monkey noises at each other. Why this happened is not explained at all. John Travolta is not the Psyklo boss, but a subordinate who is just in charge of operations on Earth. His boss told him that he'll have to work overtime (he was going to go back home to Psyklo but now he has to spend years and years more on Earth.). John's pissed. He needs to mine a bunch more gold before he can go home, so he devises a great plan. He gets a few "man animals" together, and instructs them to break into Fort Knox to steal the gold reserves. Why they haven't already done this is not explained. Because the humans are a bunch of simians, they have to be educated by means of a machine that spews knowledge into your eyes. This goes horrifically wrong. The humans are given a Psyklo ship so they can fly to Fort Knox, where they proceed to waltz in and commandeer a squadron of fighter jets which would have been at least 1000 years old (they're modern day jets) and mysteriously haven't deteriorated at all. They fire a nuclear missile into a portal on Earth which leads to Psyklo, where it detonates, causing the atmosphere to blow up as well because it reacts badly to nukes. Halfway through the movie I didn't even want to see the ending.

Moral of the story: When Psyklos come to invade Earth, just play along with them for a little while and wait for them to not scour the globe for nuclear weapons or any other specific thing that would cause the extermination of their entire race should one manage to find its way through a portal they must have lost absent mindedly lost track of. Psyklos are dumber than Neanderthals. I bet the book sucks too.

Any movie made by Andy Warhol - Haven't seen any, but I don't really want to watch a guy's face as he gets blown, nor do I want to watch a dude sleep for eight hours, not do I want to watch the Empire State Building for a similar length of time. I don't get what he was "exploring" here.

 

[technomancer]

Thank God! I was starting to wonder if I was the only person who watched Avatar and went "Meh". The animation was awesome, it was pretty to look at, but the plot had no surprises of any kind and the characters were cardboard cutouts with no development in the course of the film whatsoever. Was it fun? Sure. Was it a groundbreaking cultural event that I've seen some people babble about? Hardly.

 

[orb451]

Oh oh oh, I forgot one, but it's not out yet:

Karate Kid (Jaden Smith / Jackie Chan): Reason? It's NOT FUCKING KARATE FOR CHRISTS SAKE. How is learning Kung-Fu the same as Karate? I'm not a drunken master, nor martial arts buff and even "I" know there's a difference between Karate and Kung-Fu. That's reason number one. Reason number two, it's got Jaden Smith in it. The kid looks like he just took a deep whiff of my ass permanently imprinted scowl on his face. I fucking hate everything he's in and he's been in what? 3 movies or some shit? Reason three, it's a remake. I don't know about you, but I'm god damned sick and fucking tired of remakes. Whether it's old movies, tv shows or video game adaptations. They suck. All of them. They suck shit through a straw. Seriously. You can tell that Hollywood has ZERO imagination left when all they can do is retread story after story that's already been done to death. And it's not that every story hasn't already been told, but they're so scared of missing out on making money that they sacrifice new and interesting ways to tell *the same fucking story* time after time.

Oh and one more,

Funny People (w/ Sandler): Reason? Not fucking funny. At all. Period. Game over. The movie is 90 minutes of my life that I'll never ever get back.

 

[-mouse-]

Why is everybody complaining about how storyless and base Avatar is? If you went in there expecting an epic, well thought out story, you deserved to have your money taken...

To actually contribute, I fucking hated Mamma Mia. I still can't get over that. I deserved big fucking poon points for watching it, but I never got any

 

[poopyalligator]

Funny People (w/ Sandler): Reason? Not fucking funny. At all. Period. Game over. The movie is 90 minutes of my life that I'll never ever get back.

Actually the movie was super long. It was 2 and half hours. So it is more like you lost 150 minutes of your life.

 

[Jason]

Movies, Books, TV & Media - Sevenstring.org

 

[Explorer]

I must not invest any time in watching movies I don't think will be engaging, because I don't really have any movies to add to the awful list.

I think the contrast between the negative comments regarding Avatar and 2001 in the other thread is hilarious. "Story is too simple!" "Story is too complex!" "Can't decide where perfect middle ground is!" *laugh*

I do own quite a few of the movies which were panned in this thread (and yes, I will actually buy a movie if I enjoy it enough, and I don't pirate). I pick up a movie not just because I enjoyed it, but because it will hold up under repeated viewings.

I'll probably have more to say in the "movies I loved... and why" thread.

 

[CFB]

Yesterday I watched "House of the dead" by Uwe Boll
If you know who the guy behind this shit-fest is don't read any further. It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Everything about this movie is pure shit. Even the naked teenagers are not hot. God this movie makes clubbing baby seals look like the cutest thing in the world. It makes me wanna rip my eyeballs out.

Next week I'm watching Dragonball Evolution

 

[Bloody_Inferno]

Next week I'm watching Dragonball Evolution

Please do yourself a favour and don't.

 

[M3CHK1LLA]

also the new speed racer, gi joe (childhood memories ruined) & gamer

 

[DavyH]

Not a word about Terminator Salvation? Wow.

The future.... Skynet has blown most of the human race off the face of the planet and is engaged in a campaign to hunt down and eradicate the survivors. What does it do? Build huge robot armies and undertake total war?

Fuck no.

It builds androids with the intelligence of the average vehicle assembly unit that will stand under falling grand pianos. It builds supposedly intelligent bikes that allow themselves to be ridden by their worst enemy and have USB ports to help them do it. It builds an Arniedroid that slaps around its prime target instead of putting its hand into his chest and ripping his fucking heart out. Always assuming that the Terminator they already set off on his trail hadn't just followed its programming and killed John Connor off the minute it clapped its eyes on him.

This happens in between the most pointless action scenes in the history of filmmaking occuring approximately every eight minutes throughout the 'film' and lasting approximately seven minutes and thirty seconds each, obviously under the assumption that this would counteract the Ritalin its target audience obviously needs to be on. The remaining thirty seconds of each 8-minute 'act' (something that doesn't happen in this film) is involved with briefly meeting Mrs John Connor (dunno why) and listening to Christian Bale's pisspoor imitation of Barry White imitating Batman.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this film and would recommend it to any attention-deficient masochist.

 

[Murmel]

Just saw some fucking zombie-film that was about monkeys having like, a zombie virus that spread if they bite or something. Making people to zombies.

That movie was so bad, that I tried to fall asleep 4 times, and never managed.

 

[Marv Attaxx]

Just saw some fucking zombie-film that was about monkeys having like, a zombie virus that spread if they bite or something. Making people to zombies.

That movie was so bad, that I tried to fall asleep 4 times, and never managed.

^ 28 days later?

 

[Mr Violence]

Hostel- laughable gore, idiotic plot, horrible acting, too much boobs (takes away the excitement scene after scene)

^This statement is an abomination. There is no such thing as too much.


In line with the thread:

As much as I loved and still am entertained by Star Wars Episodes IV -VI, they are not good movies. Good for their time, sure, but the acting is actually pretty sub-par. Very, very campy and most of the time, it's completely and utterly laughable. Don't get me wrong guys, I still am entertained by them. As movies though, they aren't that great. They just had some cutting edge stuff for the time, it gave George Lucas an ego, and now look at what atrocities he's committed against film. Might as well throw the new Indiana Jones on this list, too.



The other movie I got really up in arms about (you can call me a fanboy if you want) is Doom. As soon as I found out the plot wasn't about demons from hell, I lost my mind. That's what made it cool, god damn it. Doom is about hell. Period. End of discussion. I won't even talk about acting, special effects, plotholes, whatever. The plot was not about demon spawn from hell overrunning Mars and it's moons. It should've been called "Resident Evil Goes to Mars!" Fucking bullshit. It's the same EXACT story of Resident Evil. Corporation tries to genetically alter humans to be better, they fuck up and make evil things. Fuck Doom the movie.



Also, I don't care what anyone thinks of me for the following: I love old Pauly Shore movies. Biodome, Encino Man, In The Army Now, Son in Law. Love it. Eat that shit for breakfast. Fuck you, I laughed at them and I still do.

 

[leipzig175]

The worst movie I've ever seen is Expelled:No Intelligence Allowed. It made me want to find Ben Stein and kill him with fire. For those who haven't seen it, it's a movie that states the scientific community has a conspiracy against intelligent design, and that ID is a sound scientific theory, though it never explains why. It also states the evolution is ultimately responsible for the horrors of the Holocaust.

 

[Variant]

4) 300 - You read that correctly. Same as above. After the 4,000th Persian was tossed down a bottomless pit by a man in the throes of an agonizing hernia it started to get stale. Wasn't half as "OMGEPIC" as it was cracked up to be. People really shouldn't talk about movies until I see them. I did like the scene where Leonidas's wife shanks that dude.

^

I agree with Lo-Pan. They made that movie look so awesome in the previews, but when you got to the theater you saw the most pretentious, overacted, overstylized, bombastic, homoerotic piece of crap. Top 3 biggest disappointments ever.

I'll add 'Wanted' to this list. Holy crap, it was like watching baby giving itself an abortion in utero. I mean fuck, curve the bullet? So fucking bad.