Moving, 3 states, long distance, stress, and anxiety. Help?

[Goatfork]

I'm in a sticky situation. I'm coming to you guys because I know you'll say it like it is, and why the fuck not, right?

So, I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We're both from Alaska, and we had a really confusing summer where we both tried to move to Minnesota together, but it got confusing and we had some trouble. Long story short, I'm in Seattle going to school and she's still in Minnesota. We've patched everything up, and she's moving in with me in the fall.

Here's where it gets tricky. I need to go back to Alaska for a summer job to make a good chunk of change to pay for the rest of college. She wants me to come to Minnesota to work, and I told her I'd crunch the numbers. On top of the emotional 'no me gusta' of that wretched place, the place that ruined everything for a bit, I did the math and I'd make almost no profit there, whereas in Alaska I'd make more than enough.

She's super stressed, knowing I'm probably going to have to go to Alaska. There are some demons there she wants me to avoid, and I will, and she knows that, but it's playing hard on her nerves. I know I'll have to go to Alaska, and that she's moving to Seattle for me in the fall, but it's a delicate situation and I'm really afraid that me being there for a few months could be extremely detrimental, and might be the end. I love her more than anything, but I'm terrified of her reaction, or rather a delayed reaction.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I go to Alaska to ensure that I don't have to take out student loans, so her and I will be more successful and better off when she's here like a responsible adult, while in fear of destruction, or what? I know what has to be done, but I'm just afraid of the possible outcome. She loves me more than anything, and wouldn't do anything to lose me, but still. It's scary.

 

[Xaios]

Out of curiosity, does the possibility exist of her going to Alaska with you?

 

[johnny_ace]

Well one... trust is everything,
from my experience im lucky to have married someone who trusts me...im in the military and for the first year of marriage i saw her 2 months, yr 2-5 8 months out of the year, and our 7 i was gone for 6 months.. many people will crack under pressure like that, and trust me like you there were some "demons" she was aware of, that i did avoid, she put them aside, if there is enough trust not only her to you, you to her , trust yourself into not get into the wrong situations there should be nothing to worry about, it's a couple of months...not like you're going back forever, explain the reasons and make it about you two not just you or her, ex: you are doing it for a better future for you both ect ect...
even now Im in Vegas for work.....yes Vegas, many diffrent types of demons out here, she's back home and i've learned to not put myself in shity situations...how mot drinking my ass drunk in public making sure you have a legit wingman to pull you out and understands what you are trying to accomplish

in the end, what is going to happen will happen, weather she gets tired and leaves, or you guys stay together....but if you cant trust you or your person for a couple months...is it worth it?

hope it helped

Ace

quick note: im not saying be a prude and not go out, just know your limits be safe and remember what she will frown upon

 

[troyguitar]

Why not just work in Seattle?

 

[XEN]

Financial stresses are one of the biggest causes for marital strain, even dissolution. You'll set your relationship(s) up for success if you have your finances in order early on.

What are your options for employment where you are right now? I would think that the cost and logistics of the trip to either location would be a factor to consider. Not to mention that you're planning to have her move in with you in the fall, so doing some networking and job scouting for her right where you are would be wise. If you are thinking as a couple, plan as a couple. If you're not, well... you might want to revisit the nature of your relationship and focus on personal development.

Take it from someone who married way too early and divorced way too late - you're young. Enjoy it while you can.

 

[sage]

The "no emotions Vulcan" response:

It's like this, if you go to AK for work, you make, what, 15K over a summer for school? I know when I was treeplanting, it was about that for most guys. They worked their asses off and had no student loans. Outstanding. You go to Minnesota and make nada and take out a 15K student loan that costs you 22K to pay back. You are not 7K in the hole, you are 22K in the hole. Is the girlfriend worth 22K? She might be if she stays with you, but then you're setting yourself up for a lifetime (or less) of catering to her mistrust and anxiety. What's the value in you going to Alaska? No 22K hole and the bonus of learning whether or not your relationship can handle stress. If it can, sweet, she's a keeper. If it can't, sweet, you found that out the hard way early on in life. Life is hard. Life with a partner can make it easier or harder. You want to identify whether your partner is a liability or a benefit early on. Let me give you a laundry list of stuff that's going to happen in your life and figure out for yourself if you can deal with how she deals with things:

Wedding (planning, money, never meets expectations)
Pregnancy (9 months of fucked up hormones)
Miscarriage (25% chance - no shit)
Kids (money, planning, differing opinions on childrearing)
Death (everywhere - siblings, parents, favourite cousins, dogs, cats, fish, grandparents, aunts, uncles, they're all gonna go)
Taxes
Retirement funds
Buying a house
Fixing a house (you got a house? you got a problem)
Jobs
Moving
That hot, young chick in the office/on the baseball team/at all your shows/whatever 10 years from now that's all over you. You know you're faithful, you know you're not going to let it get outta hand. Does she? Does the wife?
Illness (one in seven of us will face cancer, which would you rather? you or her?)

If going to Alaska is the best thing for your future, either together or apart, it's the best thing for your future and any other decision you make is going to be something that you do to cater to her anxiety. I want you to think about those words and I want you to think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life catering to her anxiety. Or would you rather help her work through this so you can get on with your life without digging yourself a "6 nice custom guitars" hole?

The "OMG love rulez over allz!!!11!!" response:
Do whatever you have to do to keep her. If she's the one, she's always worth it.

In real life, you need to blend the two responses however you see fit. It's a tough thing. I've been with my girl for 12 years. We have two beautiful kids. She drives me up the fucking wall almost all the time and I don't know exactly what I'd do without her. Well, actually, I'd anchor my sailboat off Costa Rica, surf all day, bartend all night, never grow old and never die.

 

[angus]

Hold old are you? Still in undergraduate? Trying to gauge age.

Either way, go to Alaska, and let her deal with her trust issues. You tell her the financial importance of it, confirm that whatever demon is in Alaska is not going to be a factor (make sure it actually isn't), then move forward. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, so go work for the summer so you can pay for your school. DO NOT GO TO MINNESOTA. You first, her second. You tell her you have to do that because it will be the best thing for the two of you in the long run, and that you are doing to put your future (together) in the best place possible.

Being brutally realistic, unless you are well into your 20's at least, this isn't going to last forever because of the strain the distance has put on the relationship. It doesn't bode well. Therefore, take care of yourself. If she can't deal with you needing to go to Alaska to cover your school expenses, then she's putting her selfish needs before yours, and it's a bad, bad sign.

If you are 18-22, then just take care of yourself because it almost surely won't be your last relationship anyway.

Take care of yourself, make your money to pay for school, then move in or whatever you need to do in the fall. Don't cave- just be firm and direct but still sensitive and caring. I'm sure she means well.

 

[Goatfork]

Out of curiosity, does the possibility exist of her going to Alaska with you?

Sadly no, that would be amazing if she could.

Why not just work in Seattle?

The job market is absolute shit, and after 4 months of trying I landed a terrible minimum wage job. In Alaska, I have a guaranteed job that pays loads more per hour than my part time job, at 60hrs a week.

Hold old are you? Still in undergraduate? Trying to gauge age.

I'm 20, and a year and a half away from my Audio Engineering degree.

 

[Goatfork]

Thanks everyone, this has really helped a lot.

 

[jbab]

If she can't deal with you needing to go to Alaska to cover your school expenses, then she's putting her selfish needs before yours, and it's a bad, bad sign.

This. And also, a couple months is not that bad, especially if you know that you'll be moving together in the fall. Take it as a challenge: If your couple can't stand that, then you two were probably not meant to be. If she has trust/insecurity issues, she will have to realize it, and to realize the strain it's putting on the relationship. I've been long distance with my girlfriend for a year now, and we've been through it. She had trust/insecurity issues, I had trouble dealing with the fact that she couldn't get a job in the city I live in and that I'd have to move away from it. We talked about it (many, many times) and progressively both got over it, and are about to move together in the same city.

Also, if you have to do the long distance thing:
- Skype is your friend here. Talk regularly. Once every two days or so is good. It's not as good as having a real conversation, but taking an hour to have some normal couple small talk (how was your day, etc.) is healthy. And it makes communication easier over time, since it 'forces' you to talk rather than cuddle, have sex, watch tv, etc.
- The mail is also your friend. Send each other packages (my girlfriend likes sending me cookies for instance), write letters. Send her something that has your smell on it to remind her of you. I know it's cheesy as hell, but I put a little bit of my deodorant on the envelopes I send my letters in and she does the same with her perfume.
- Text each other as much as you can. Wish each other good morning and good night. If something weird/funny/annoying happens, text the other about it.
- Enjoy spending time on your own, or with your respective friends. It gives more stuff to talk about, and it'll keep both your moods better.

TL;DR: Don't leave each other over that. It's going to be tough, stressful, and frustrating, but your couple can only come out of it stronger.

 

[angus]

I'm 20, and a year and a half away from my Audio Engineering degree.

Oh, then do not make any decision other than what you need to do for yourself and finishing out your schooling. Speaking very honestly, it is extremely unlikely at 20 that this is going to be the girl you marry. It just isn't. If it is, great, but make decision that will better yourself independently, and if she is the right one, it'll be better for her too in the long run.

Where in Seattle are you doing your Audio Engineering degree? What is the intention post-graduation? Is it "audio engineering" as in engineering (as in DSP) or as in recording tech work? You'll want to get into your field ASAP after school.

 

[Goatfork]

Where in Seattle are you doing your Audio Engineering degree? What is the intention post-graduation? Is it "audio engineering" as in engineering (as in DSP) or as in recording tech work? You'll want to get into your field ASAP after school.

It's 'Digital Audio Engineering' at SCC, basically just recording tech stuff.

 

[Nile]

Not to be a dick, but its good that she has to worry about you doing things she doesn't like rather than worrying she will drop everything/cheat on you. Brutally honest, but a lot of girls will do that.

But ya, texting can get stale but the I love you's and good mornings/good nights are pretty nice. Skype is a friend also. (Even you can "get it on" a bit over Skype if need be, honestly.)

Call her. hearing just a voice and focusing on a voice rather than face to face on Skype can be great.

Talk about anything that comes up/anything you can make a conversation out of. It helps.

I'd seen my girlfriend of four years only a month and two weeks ever in total. I know how this all works. Its fucking amazing you both worry about what the other will do and know you both love each other and you both know you want to do anything to have it work.

 

[Eric Christian]

Not to be a dick X2 but you've got to establish your priorities if you want to finish school and have a career. Just from the sounds of it she's chilling with the parents in Minnesota? Bottom line she needs to understand that you need to spend the summer making bank up North. When you say "avoid the demons" there what do you mean? I had a lady friend who went up there to strip from 3 months at a time and she told me all about that sorry ass scene up there so I can just imagine what the "demons" are.

 

[Goatfork]

When you say "avoid the demons" there what do you mean? I had a lady friend who went up there to strip from 3 months at a time and she told me all about that sorry ass scene up there so I can just imagine what the "demons" are.

This demon happens to be an old lady friend of mine, one she doesn't trust. At all. I'm keeping my distance, but her fears present.

 

[Goatfork]

So, we had that talk. It happened several hours ago and it's been a truly taxing night. She's very uncomfortable with the whole situation, but she understands it's what must be done. We had a fight, and worked it out, but she's still pretty upset, which makes me upset in return. It'll be ok, there's just some sore feelings over the matter. It too shall pass. It's been a trying 6 months, to say the least.

 

[Bodes]

Go up and earn some cash, you may not have that opportunity to make cash through out the uni (college) year.

Anything I say will just reflect what has been said.

I moved to Queensland from Melbourne (~1400km) for a summer job about 4 years ago. Came back and it was like I never left, apart from having a healthy bank account for a while. Still with my gorgeous girlfriend.

 

[flint757]

The fact that it instigated a fight doesn't bode well IMO. Sounds like she'd only be happy if the conversation went her way and also shows a refusal to see reason. It is the 100% right and smart decision to go to Alaska. There is no reason to risk your finances over petty insecurities.

Y'all have been separated for awhile as is so it seems to only be this girl in Alaska that is the problem. While I can certainly understand where she might be concerned, it shows a lack of trust that honestly needs to be tested by you going even if it makes her unhappy. Good luck, hopefully it all works out.

 

[Goatfork]

Update: Things are getting progressively worse each day. I'm going to AK, but I don't want to lose her. Not now, not ever. She's the love of my life, and I don't know what to do.

Might as well bring my problem to my fellow SSO brothers.

 

[angus]

Your life, in particular your dating life, has still just started, so "love of your life" is still pretty early into your life. I'm not being harsh- just trying to remind of you of an objective perspective.

Boundaries are good for you and good for her, so the fact that you are going to Alaska is ultimately best for both of you. Just don't have any contact with the trouble in Alaska and be respectful of your girlfriends feelings, but don't tolerate jealousy. You are doing what is best for you, and that is what is best for your relationship. Remind her of that.

Life is long, summer is short.