Problems with band member

[GunpointMetal]

Recreational drugs are just like prescribed drugs. Everyone reacts differently and not every drug has the same effect on everyone. I can smoke weed all day on the weekends and not miss a beat, I don't get trapped in the couch, I don't half-ass my responsibilities, I'd be perfectly fine being stoned out of my gourd at my job and would function at the same level as I do without it (I wouldn't smoke before/at work because it would be a waste of weed, IMO). I know other people that take one rip and have to crawl under a blanket, or manically clean their house. I know some people who can get blackout wasted and still be fun to be around, having a good time (until the puking starts), whereas I'll have a few, but once I feel I'm having trouble with hard consonants or fine motor skills it's time to grab a water because for me the line between "fun drunk" and "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?!" drunk is pretty narrow. I've known people who can jump on a pile of coke for a couple of days an then never even think about the stuff for years, and other people that can't even think about the stuff without turning into a pile of shit.

 

[odibrom]

... errr... just to clarify my choices, I don't drink coffe 'cause I don't like the taste of it, it tastes like burnt toast water. I don't also drink beer because I also don't like the taste of it. As for other alcoholic drinks, I only like the sweet ones, but since I'm almost vegan, those hit me way faster... and I won't ever get drunk...

 

[RevDrucifer]

I agree with all of this - And you have my sympathies for how you were brought up.

I don't think casual users have some gnawing void in their lives, but I do think anyone who arrives at daily use definitely has something else going on that they should deal with more productively. When you pass the point of needing to take it every day to avoid withdrawal, that's not just a fun thing that you are choosing to do. You're choosing to do it because using drugs (at least in the moment) is more attractive than resolving whatever else you have going on. A lot of the time you don't even want to acknowledge that there is an underlying problem.

Being an addict comes with a very clear calculus to it too, which kinda overtakes whatever else you might need to deal with. If you stick to the rules, being an addict is reasonably manageable. Your life might well be a disaster, but as long as you keep taking the drugs at the appropriate times you can still function alright, so you get very focused on making sure that happens, instead of your life being a disaster.

When I was younger, I probably would have told any well meaning doctors that I was fine just the way I was, thanks. And that's the real reason why it matters to learn things young and resolve (or at least manage) problems. While I understand why my mother didn't want to have me diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, and I still love her no matter what, I do still wonder how different my life would have been if I had actually had the chance to deal with it young. Almost literally everything about who I am today was shaped by those formative years, you know?

Most people manage to have a reasonably happy life without narcotics; so no matter how much a younger me might have called them boring (the worst thing anything can be if you have ADHD) they still had reasonably happy lives which I absolutely did not. And, as it turns out, the problem all along was with me, not with them.

Hahahaha I was definitely the type that didn’t want to acknowledge the problems. I figured I’d long moved past it all because it had been years since I even thought about it, but I never verbalized any of it to anyone until I got shitfaced one night and while trying to explain to my ex-wife why I needed space to figure out what was going on with me, she dragged it out of me. I was quite surprised when I went through everything, especially at how the list of issues/abuses that didn’t seem to end.

It was 12 years of partying like a maniac and having nothing but good times with it, it wasn’t until the end of that 12th year I started getting really depressed and angry when I drank and I realized no one was coming over to hang out anymore, no more parties were being thrown in my house. I honestly just believed I was living life like Dimebag, just enjoying my ride here.

That was another thing that I debated over on TGP, there were a bunch saying they’ve never met a functional addict, to which my reply was “Sure you have, you just didn’t know it.” I was fucking wasted on everything and anything during my 20’s, but I always knew how to not go too far with it so people wouldn’t be able to tell. Well, aside from that first night I did blow down here and snorted the whole baggie. My best friend is a complete functioning alcoholic. I’ve known him 20 years and even with my drinking experiences, I can’t tell when he’s drunk unless he’s on a 3-4 day binge.

I appreciate the sympathies but at this point I’ve quite come to terms with the fact that all that stuff made me who I am and while there was a lot of periods of great suckage, I’m very content with my life and who I turned out to be. It’s all good! I don’t bring that stuff up for sympathy or pity, just in hopes it helps people understand a user’s mind better. It’s something that really can’t be thoroughly understood until you’ve actually lived it.

The biggest thing I wish people would realize is that it’s never a choice of doing drug, that’s not how it’s presented to people who have addiction issues. It’s a choice of “Do I deal with this or do I get some relief?”, or in my case, “Do I get my ass beat or be happy?”, the drug itself is never part of that choice. The discussion yesterday revolved around fentanyl and there were so many, “why do people even use it if they know how dangerous it is?”, that’s not the thought process behind it at all. And if it is, it’s usually done BECAUSE it’s that dangerous and some people are addicted to the idea of living dangerously or seeing how close to death they can take themselves without actually dying.

I had always wanted to try heroin until I finally tried it (snorting it), said “That’s it?” and didn’t bother again until I got it in a different form and thank fuckin’ god I couldn’t get my hands on that regularly because I absolutely would have gotten addicted to it. The few times I smoked it I loved everything about it, knowing full and well what the risks were.

Drugs are bad, mmkay?

 

[RevDrucifer]

... errr... just to clarify my choices, I don't drink coffe 'cause I don't like the taste of it, it tastes like burnt toast water. I don't also drink beer because I also don't like the taste of it. As for other alcoholic drinks, I only like the sweet ones, but since I'm almost vegan, those hit me way faster... and I won't ever get drunk...

Hahahah I went vegan about 5 years ago (I fell off the wagon 6 months ago but I’m crawling back on) and yeah, I went from putting down a bottle of vodka by myself to getting about 3 drinks in and calling it quits. I know how that goes!

 

[RevDrucifer]

Man, I REALLY love coffee and drink it right up until bed but putting up my ass is something that’s never once crossed my mind, or any other drug for that matter.

I had a friend trying to convince me to plug ecstasy one night and I couldn’t stop laughing at him long enough for him to get his point across. Once he got to “It only burns until it dissolves” I was done for.

 

[jaxadam]

I had a friend trying to convince me to plug ecstasy one night and I couldn’t stop laughing at him long enough for him to get his point across. Once he got to “It only burns until it dissolves” I was done for.

colon rollin'!

 

[TedEH]

The biggest thing I wish people would realize is that it’s never a choice of doing drug, that’s not how it’s presented to people who have addiction issues. It’s a choice of “Do I deal with this or do I get some relief?”, or in my case, “Do I get my ass beat or be happy?”, the drug itself is never part of that choice. The discussion yesterday revolved around fentanyl and there were so many, “why do people even use it if they know how dangerous it is?”, that’s not the thought process behind it at all. And if it is, it’s usually done BECAUSE it’s that dangerous and some people are addicted to the idea of living dangerously or seeing how close to death they can take themselves without actually dying.

The times that it's really frustrated me is when I'd encounter someone who started an addiction while in a difficult spot, but maintained the habit once the source was gone, and refused to accept that it was problematic or that there might be a better solution. Like one of my exes would probably never admit it, but her drug use likely started in part as a coping mechanism for being part of a really abusive family - similar idea, unfair expectations, regular beatings, etc. But she's not interacted with any of them for decades now. I'm sympathetic to the fact that shit like that doesn't just go away, you can't just drop it and go "I'm good now, moving on". I know that. But once you're a decade removed from the original abuse, and the substance use is still affecting the people around you - maybe it's time for therapy. It might be time to admit the substance is a crutch and accept the help and support being offered to you. And it's fine to be "functional" while taking whatever substance you take, but not everyone is self-aware of how functional they actually are (or aren't). On several occasions I'd be visiting, while we were still dating, and I'd have gone over for some purpose, or with the intent to go out, or just so we could pick something up and go back to my place or whatever, but as soon as the bongs came out (which was immediately, because her roommate was also a huge stoner) - they'd be on the moon watching nature documentaries and arguing about ancient weapons and forgetting that I was still there and had places we had agreed to be, things we'd agreed to do, etc., but that all melted away - all while insisting that being high was "her normal" and that she never progressed past being functional. And I could have dealt with it - but on top of some other issues (mostly related to boundaries, if anyone remembers from the relationship thread) - I just couldn't put up with it for long. And it left me kinda resentful of the idea of leaning on something like that as a crutch at the expense of the people around you. It's unfair, I know, it's not very sympathetic, I'm aware. But it is what it is.

 

[RevDrucifer]

The times that it's really frustrated me is when I'd encounter someone who started an addiction while in a difficult spot, but maintained the habit once the source was gone, and refused to accept that it was problematic or that there might be a better solution. Like one of my exes would probably never admit it, but her drug use likely started in part as a coping mechanism for being part of a really abusive family - similar idea, unfair expectations, regular beatings, etc. But she's not interacted with any of them for decades now. I'm sympathetic to the fact that shit like that doesn't just go away, you can't just drop it and go "I'm good now, moving on". I know that. But once you're a decade removed from the original abuse, and the substance use is still affecting the people around you - maybe it's time for therapy. It might be time to admit the substance is a crutch and accept the help and support being offered to you. And it's fine to be "functional" while taking whatever substance you take, but not everyone is self-aware of how functional they actually are (or aren't). On several occasions I'd be visiting, while we were still dating, and I'd have gone over for some purpose, or with the intent to go out, or just so we could pick something up and go back to my place or whatever, but as soon as the bongs came out (which was immediately, because her roommate was also a huge stoner) - they'd be on the moon watching nature documentaries and arguing about ancient weapons and forgetting that I was still there and had places we had agreed to be, things we'd agreed to do, etc., but that all melted away - all while insisting that being high was "her normal" and that she never progressed past being functional. And I could have dealt with it - but on top of some other issues (mostly related to boundaries, if anyone remembers from the relationship thread) - I just couldn't put up with it for long. And it left me kinda resentful of the idea of leaning on something like that as a crutch at the expense of the people around you. It's unfair, I know, it's not very sympathetic, I'm aware. But it is what it is.

No one is obligated to deal with someone’s addiction and if it’s a known issue that the addict is ignoring, I don’t think it’s unsympathetic to walk away after shit doesn’t get better. Look at the options in almost every intervention; get better or no longer enjoy the presence of friends and family.

I know in my case, it was about 2 decades before things came to a head. I honestly believed that I had already gotten over everything by the time it really started affecting me negatively. It wasn’t anything I thought about at that point in my life, that’s for sure. It wasn’t until the drinking was making me absolutely miserable and I started getting concerned I couldn’t stop that I addressed things. And for me, it was a simple as just getting closure on it from the people involved; mainly my father who didn’t come and get me out of that situation when he knew things were pretty bad. To his credit, he didn’t know things were as bad as they were. It’s not like my mom was telling him about the things going on.

And if it was just smoking weed that she had an issue with, if she was like me, it seems like such a non-issue because it’s “just weed”. Especially where people are prescribed it for practically everything and anything these days and you’re not shooting up or becoming belligerent with it, so it seems less harmful. But if you need it to function, there’s an issue. I was like that from 16-26 and replaced it with the drinking, I’d be miserable if I couldn’t get high. Once I addressed my issues, that went away as well.

Once addiction has taken root, it’s an amazing bullshitter. Just look what some addictions to to otherwise great people; people will steal from their own families to feed an addiction and think nothing of it. It requires a moment of clarity to realize “Oh shit, I have a problem” and then a GREAT deal of drive and determination to get past it, some people never do. I know some people who have had that moment of clarity and the next day they’re back to using whatever their substance of choice was. Unfortunately, rock bottom is the frequent path they have to go down to change anything.

Addiction is bigger than any one human being and I’ve met many people over the years who think that just by telling their loved one with a problem “Hey, you have a drinking problem, take care of it now, please.” that it’ll actually happen. That’s not the way it works. Especially after years of prolonged use, there are so many crossed wires that need to be uncrossed, actual chemical changes that have taken place in the brain.

My best friend who has been struggling with booze and coke for the last 10 years tells me all the time, “Man, I didn’t drink for 2 weeks and I just feel like shit. I have no desire to do anything unless I’m drinking. I don’t see how being sober is supposed to be better, at least I play my guitar and leave the house if I’m drinking.” That dude needs months of time away from it with therapy. Despite the position I hold in his life, despite the fact that I prevented him from taking himself out by shoving my fingers down his throat and making him puke up pills one night and all the help I’ve given him over the years, he refuses to take my advice that he needs to be sober for at least a year before he can expect things to turn around. I know it’s not him, it’s the addiction. It’s bigger than I am and it’s certainly become bigger than he is.

 

[RevDrucifer]

Just an update regarding my bass player who I believed was bullshitting about this investor and buying the band all this gear, well, my foot is firmly in my mouth. He’s been sending me pics of him posing with a new PA, a couple new basses, a new Ampeg rig and he bought me a Dry Bell Vibe pedal for Christmas.

I truly don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s unfathomable that “investors” have given him $100K for our cover band, which has had one practice and have maybe 15 songs together…..but the dude is coming up with money for this gear somehow and unless he got REALLY fucking good with photoshop, he actually bought everything he was talking about buying.

I’m very anxious to see where this goes.

 

[CanserDYI]

Just an update regarding my bass player who I believed was bullshitting about this investor and buying the band all this gear, well, my foot is firmly in my mouth. He’s been sending me pics of him posing with a new PA, a couple new basses, a new Ampeg rig and he bought me a Dry Bell Vibe pedal for Christmas.

I truly don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s unfathomable that “investors” have given him $100K for our cover band, which has had one practice and have maybe 15 songs together…..but the dude is coming up with money for this gear somehow and unless he got REALLY fucking good with photoshop, he actually bought everything he was talking about buying.

I’m very anxious to see where this goes.

Kick ass man! Really hope that comes to fruition that would be a really cool thing for you.

 

[odibrom]

Just an update regarding my bass player who I believed was bullshitting about this investor and buying the band all this gear, well, my foot is firmly in my mouth. He’s been sending me pics of him posing with a new PA, a couple new basses, a new Ampeg rig and he bought me a Dry Bell Vibe pedal for Christmas.

I truly don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s unfathomable that “investors” have given him $100K for our cover band, which has had one practice and have maybe 15 songs together…..but the dude is coming up with money for this gear somehow and unless he got REALLY fucking good with photoshop, he actually bought everything he was talking about buying.

I’m very anxious to see where this goes.

Could it be money laundry? There's nothing free in this world, so be careful/mindful with what you're selling.

Nevertheless, good luck!

 

[RevDrucifer]

Could it be money laundry? There's nothing free in this world, so be careful/mindful with what you're selling.

Nevertheless, good luck!

I’m not sure I’d stretch that far just yet, I’m thinking he got a line of credit or a loan or something and is just going crazy on a spending spree.

I’m not selling or buying anything through him and I’ll have no problem giving the Dry Bell back if I smell something fishy. Really, I just don’t want to waste time in another band with a flake/bullshitter; whatever he’s involved in is his own deal and he doesn’t know enough personal info about me to trap me into anything.

 

[odibrom]

I’m not sure I’d stretch that far just yet, I’m thinking he got a line of credit or a loan or something and is just going crazy on a spending spree.

I’m not selling or buying anything through him and I’ll have no problem giving the Dry Bell back if I smell something fishy. Really, I just don’t want to waste time in another band with a flake/bullshitter; whatever he’s involved in is his own deal and he doesn’t know enough personal info about me to trap me into anything.

Could he trap the band?... could he be selling your rights? 100k is a lot of money to be given without asking anything back...

 

[TedEH]

such a non-issue because it’s “just weed”

if you need it to function

Not to re-derail, but yeah. I think you've got a pretty clear picture of everything I was thinking.

It’s unfathomable that “investors” have given him $100K for our cover band

That sounds squarely like red flag territory to me. If it's legit then.... well, alright... but I'd want to meet this investor and/or be very clear about any expectations on any side before getting super deep.

 

[RevDrucifer]

Could he trap the band?... could he be selling your rights? 100k is a lot of money to be given without asking anything back...

It’s a cover band, not much he can sell the rights to!

 

[RevDrucifer]

Not to re-derail, but yeah. I think you've got a pretty clear picture of everything I was thinking.


That sounds squarely like red flag territory to me. If it's legit then.... well, alright... but I'd want to meet this investor and/or be very clear about any expectations on any side before getting super deep.

My footing in this band has been one band practice and some text messages, so I’m not too concerned. This dude doesn’t even know my last name . Hell, I doubt he even realizes my name is actually Andrew and not Drew.

 

[odibrom]

It’s a cover band, not much he can sell the rights to!

The band's name is something to think about... but since you're not that deep in it, guess you're safe...?

 

[RevDrucifer]

The band's name is something to think about... but since you're not that deep in it, guess you're safe...?

We haven’t even picked one for sure yet! They’ve never gigged as a band, when I say it’s in it’s infancy stages, it’s barely even in diapers. The embryo is just starting to form features, is more appropriate.

 

[odibrom]

We haven’t even picked one for sure yet! They’ve never gigged as a band, when I say it’s in it’s infancy stages, it’s barely even in diapers. The embryo is just starting to form features, is more appropriate.

Then how the hell did the bass player get that money? $100K is a lot of money to be handed over from night to day without any guarantee, investors he says...?... it sounds fishy af...

 

[nightflameauto]

How old is the dude getting the cash? Did he have a sick relative? Is he still living at home and sponging off the parents?

This whole story sounds fucky to me somehow.