I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.Someone negged me for the Bartender joke
SS.org Joke Thread
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- jack rattlesnake
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flint757
Well-Known Member
I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.
Yeah I thought that joke was brilliant
AnarchyDivine88
Well-Known Member
I'm kind of curious, what would a black/white joke be? lol I tried googling for some but it just keeps giving me interracial porn sites
glassmoon0fo
Some Say...
Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America . Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.
Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."
And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3
Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
Arkansas Sucks.
How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.
Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, fuck Texas too
. Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.
Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."
And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3
Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
Arkansas Sucks.
How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.
Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, fuck Texas too
AnarchyDivine88
Well-Known Member
lmao oh I thought you meant mixed race jokes. Well at least I found some great interracial porn sites JK. Now that I think about it, that show Key and Peele has some though, those two guys are pretty funny.
And now another redneck joke:
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
JK. Now that I think about it, that show Key and Peele has some though, those two guys are pretty funny.And now another redneck joke:
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
flint757
Well-Known Member
Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.
Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."
And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3
Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
Arkansas Sucks.
How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.
Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, fuck Texas too
hey, hey watch it....we got guns
AngstRiddenDreams
Filthy Casual
Me: "Hey do you want to play the rape game?"
Girl: "NOOO!!"
Me: "That's the spirit!!!!"
Girl: "NOOO!!"
Me: "That's the spirit!!!!"
AngstRiddenDreams
Filthy Casual
This thread makes me laugh so god damn hard everytime i read through it
highlordmugfug
themuthaphukkindeath
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.
Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.
flint757
Well-Known Member
If someone did that to me I think I'd be confused too.
What a sight that'd be...
Texan: Where are you from?
Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Texan: Okay where are you from, jackass?
Tell that to the Oxford and Merriam-Webster dictionaries
."This is just the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put. And fuck you." - Winston Churchill... and my own ending sentence beginning with a conjunction.
shogunate
Well-Known Member
Didn't realize how long these jokes were, they go faster when I speak them in person, so I punctuated them with shorter ones. Also, I fully condone the derogatory jokes that keep getting deleted 
as long as you tell racist jokes about every race, it's even right???
What's the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of dead babies?
You can't lift a pile of sand with a pitchfork.
__________________________________________
A plane is travelling through the air with 3 passengers, a 90 year old priest, a 10 year old schoolboy, and George W. Bush. Midflight, the pilot comes back into the cabin and tells them
"I have some very bad news, we don't have enough fuel to make it to our destination, so we are going to crash in 5 minutes. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes aboard, and I'm taking one. Later, suckers!" and grabs a chute and jumps off the plane. George W. Bush looks at the priest and the schoolboy and proclaims
"Why, I'm the smartest man in the world! The whole wide world! AND I'm president! I can't die, I just can't!" and grabs a pack and jumps off the plane. The priest looks with his old, drooping eyes at the young schoolboy and says "You take the last pack son. I've had a good long life and I know that God is waiting for me in heaven."
The schoolboy replies "Actually mister, we both have parachutes." The priest looked at him, baffled "What do you mean?"
"Well, you know that guy who said he was the smartest man in the world? He just grabbed my school backpack and jumped off"
________________________________
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.
________________________________
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are all talking and come to the topic and debate of who has it worst. The cucumber says "I've got it the worst. The people come, slice me up and toss me in a big bowl with a bunch of other mutilated vegetables and eat me!". To which the pickle replies, "You think THAT'S bad? When I'm ripe, they toss me in a big jar of vinegar and let me prune and then eat me!" Hearing both of these arguments the penis proclaims "That's nothing. Last night they threw rubber tarp over my head, stuck me a dark room and banged my head against the wall until I threw up and passed out!"
__________________________________
What do ALL of the MOST FAMOUS guitar players in the world have in common in all of their guitars that they PERSONALLY use and endorse???
Rhythm in jump, dancing close to you.
On each and every trem.
____________________________________
A big time texas lawyer is out hunting ducks in the middle of nowhere, and during one particularly fine shot with the shotgun the duck drops onto a patch of land behind a small scraggly fence. The lawyer jumps over the fence to retrieve his kill, and as he does so a tractor pulls up with a very old, very frail farmer on it. The farmer asks what the stranger is doing on his land to which the lawyer replies
"This is my duck, I killed it, and am retrieving it and will be on my way"
The farmer protests, saying "Now wait here son, how I see it that duck is on my land and you're now trespassing, why don't the just leave this one be and go on about your way now, hear?"
This infuriated the lawyer, not about to let some old redneck coot take his rightful kill from him and started shouting "Now listen to me old timer, I killed this duck and I'm a lawyer the second my birdshot killed it it became mine, no matter where it fell, and I will tear you apart in court you old codger, I'm the biggest most expensive lawyer in the state and I will not only sue for MY duck but also for whatever this piece of shit farm is worth for causing me trouble!"
The old man looks at this young strapping hunter and says calmly and thoughtfully "Well, I don't know about all that, but round here we got what we call the 'three kick rule'"
In all his legal training and precedent the lawyer had never heard of the 'three kick rule'
The old man then explains "Goes a lil something like this, see: when we got ourselves a disagreement like this 'un right here, we resolve it with 3 kicks from each party until the other done gives up. So I kick you 3 times in a row, you kick me 3 times in a row, until one of gives up and lets the other have the duck peacefully"
The lawyer looks at this frail, old coot in coveralls and mud and thinks to himself that being so much younger and stronger, he can certainly outlast this contest and on top of that, probably teach this old man a lesson for being so mouthy, too.
"OK old man, I accept!"
The farmer turns off his tractor and slowly, delicately climbs down, turns to the lawyer who's a good foot and a half taller, takes a breath, and lifts his heavy duty, mud crusted boot to nail the hunter right in the kneecap, sending him down and howling in pain. The farmer retracts his boot, and sends his 2nd kick straight into the lawyer's gut, knocking the wind out of him and temporarily silencing his yelling. For his 3rd kick, the farmer took careful aim, and with all the might he could muster and nails the lawyer right in the groin.
For the next few minutes, understandably the lawyer rolls in absolute agony on the ground, while the farmer leaned against his tractor, watching.
Finally, panting and red in the face, the lawyer struggles to his feet and says
"OK... My turn... To kick you 3 times!"
The farmer climbs back on his tractor and replies,
"Ahh, fuck it. I give up. You can keep the duck"
as long as you tell racist jokes about every race, it's even right???What's the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of dead babies?
You can't lift a pile of sand with a pitchfork.
__________________________________________
A plane is travelling through the air with 3 passengers, a 90 year old priest, a 10 year old schoolboy, and George W. Bush. Midflight, the pilot comes back into the cabin and tells them
"I have some very bad news, we don't have enough fuel to make it to our destination, so we are going to crash in 5 minutes. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes aboard, and I'm taking one. Later, suckers!" and grabs a chute and jumps off the plane. George W. Bush looks at the priest and the schoolboy and proclaims
"Why, I'm the smartest man in the world! The whole wide world! AND I'm president! I can't die, I just can't!" and grabs a pack and jumps off the plane. The priest looks with his old, drooping eyes at the young schoolboy and says "You take the last pack son. I've had a good long life and I know that God is waiting for me in heaven."
The schoolboy replies "Actually mister, we both have parachutes." The priest looked at him, baffled "What do you mean?"
"Well, you know that guy who said he was the smartest man in the world? He just grabbed my school backpack and jumped off"
________________________________
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.
________________________________
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are all talking and come to the topic and debate of who has it worst. The cucumber says "I've got it the worst. The people come, slice me up and toss me in a big bowl with a bunch of other mutilated vegetables and eat me!". To which the pickle replies, "You think THAT'S bad? When I'm ripe, they toss me in a big jar of vinegar and let me prune and then eat me!" Hearing both of these arguments the penis proclaims "That's nothing. Last night they threw rubber tarp over my head, stuck me a dark room and banged my head against the wall until I threw up and passed out!"
__________________________________
What do ALL of the MOST FAMOUS guitar players in the world have in common in all of their guitars that they PERSONALLY use and endorse???
Rhythm in jump, dancing close to you.
On each and every trem.
____________________________________
A big time texas lawyer is out hunting ducks in the middle of nowhere, and during one particularly fine shot with the shotgun the duck drops onto a patch of land behind a small scraggly fence. The lawyer jumps over the fence to retrieve his kill, and as he does so a tractor pulls up with a very old, very frail farmer on it. The farmer asks what the stranger is doing on his land to which the lawyer replies
"This is my duck, I killed it, and am retrieving it and will be on my way"
The farmer protests, saying "Now wait here son, how I see it that duck is on my land and you're now trespassing, why don't the just leave this one be and go on about your way now, hear?"
This infuriated the lawyer, not about to let some old redneck coot take his rightful kill from him and started shouting "Now listen to me old timer, I killed this duck and I'm a lawyer the second my birdshot killed it it became mine, no matter where it fell, and I will tear you apart in court you old codger, I'm the biggest most expensive lawyer in the state and I will not only sue for MY duck but also for whatever this piece of shit farm is worth for causing me trouble!"
The old man looks at this young strapping hunter and says calmly and thoughtfully "Well, I don't know about all that, but round here we got what we call the 'three kick rule'"
In all his legal training and precedent the lawyer had never heard of the 'three kick rule'
The old man then explains "Goes a lil something like this, see: when we got ourselves a disagreement like this 'un right here, we resolve it with 3 kicks from each party until the other done gives up. So I kick you 3 times in a row, you kick me 3 times in a row, until one of gives up and lets the other have the duck peacefully"
The lawyer looks at this frail, old coot in coveralls and mud and thinks to himself that being so much younger and stronger, he can certainly outlast this contest and on top of that, probably teach this old man a lesson for being so mouthy, too.
"OK old man, I accept!"
The farmer turns off his tractor and slowly, delicately climbs down, turns to the lawyer who's a good foot and a half taller, takes a breath, and lifts his heavy duty, mud crusted boot to nail the hunter right in the kneecap, sending him down and howling in pain. The farmer retracts his boot, and sends his 2nd kick straight into the lawyer's gut, knocking the wind out of him and temporarily silencing his yelling. For his 3rd kick, the farmer took careful aim, and with all the might he could muster and nails the lawyer right in the groin.
For the next few minutes, understandably the lawyer rolls in absolute agony on the ground, while the farmer leaned against his tractor, watching.
Finally, panting and red in the face, the lawyer struggles to his feet and says
"OK... My turn... To kick you 3 times!"
The farmer climbs back on his tractor and replies,
"Ahh, fuck it. I give up. You can keep the duck"
Jesse7
EST. 1988
A man walks into a bar...
It hurt.
It hurt.
flint757
Well-Known Member
SenorDingDong
Smeller of Smells
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2011
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- 3,853
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St. Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
makeitreign
on dem hoes
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to my bumper.
How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Warning!
Do not read if you are easily offended.
What do you get when you throw a baby down the stairs?
An erection.
How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
/rep
PM me if you want to hear the worst joke I know.
Because it was chained to my bumper.
How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Warning!
Do not read if you are easily offended.
What do you get when you throw a baby down the stairs?
An erection.
How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
/rep
PM me if you want to hear the worst joke I know.
AnarchyDivine88
Well-Known Member
That Pinocchio joke! 
For some reason, I have the feeling that that joke has been told a lot and that I should have heard it before, yet I haven't
For some reason, I have the feeling that that joke has been told a lot and that I should have heard it before, yet I haven't warhead
Well-Known Member
flint757
Well-Known Member
Heard this one from someone:
If you've seen one breast,
you're probably going to see the other one.
If you've seen one breast,
you're probably going to see the other one.
Bungle
Sir Roger Moore, KBE
A man runs into a hospital yelling "Doctor doctor, I was just raped by an elephant!". Shocked, the doctor hurries the man into an examination room and instructs the man to remove his pants so he could inspect the damage. Upon seeing the mans anus, the doctor is horrified, but manages to retain his composure and measures the diameter of the mans anus to determine the extent of the injuries.
After several thorough minutes the doctor says "Hmmm, I don't know how to break this to you sir, but what I can't work out is how come your anus measures 14 inches in diameter but an elephants penis is usually 6 inches in diameter..."
With his eyes welling up in tears, the man replies "Well, you see doctor, he.... he fingered me first"
How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
After several thorough minutes the doctor says "Hmmm, I don't know how to break this to you sir, but what I can't work out is how come your anus measures 14 inches in diameter but an elephants penis is usually 6 inches in diameter..."
With his eyes welling up in tears, the man replies "Well, you see doctor, he.... he fingered me first"
How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
.................................................
