SS.org Joke Thread

[x360rampagex]

How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give them a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have...
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are
no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to
explain it to you.

 

[Jakke]

Two necrophiliacs walk past a morgue. Then one necrophiliac turn to the other nercophiliac and say; "hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

 

[Jakke]

There was a man who was out golfing with a minister. The man had a putt to make, but he missed, and said:
-fuck, I missed.
The minister said that one should not swear, that angers god, and you might not go to heaven because of that.
It started to rain, and the minister was just about to make a shot when a lightningbolt came out of the sky and burnt him to crisp. The man then heard a deep and immensely powerful voice from the clouds saying:
-fuck, I missed.

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The same man (he has a name in swedish, but it would not make any sort of sense to a non swedish speaker) was biking through Stockholm, he had two bags in a basket on his steering wheel, there was a hole in one of the bags, and out dropped coins. He got stopped by a police who informed him that he was dropping coins.
- Oh, I better backtrack and pickup my coins, said the man
- Hey wait now, said the police. Why do you have coins in that bag? You haven't stolen them, have you?
- No, I live next to this football stadium, and in halftime people pee against my hedge. I usually stand with my hedge trimmer and demand a dollar for not cutting it off.
The police laughed and said that it was a pretty funny idea.
- Hohohoho, what a funny idea. But.. What do you have in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays up...

 

[makeitreign]

Is his name Richard?

 

[Jakke]

Is his name Richard?

No, Bellman

 

[Xaios]

Badum-bump!


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In the beginning, God created China.

They basically took over from there.

 

[JStraitiff]

A woman is walking through the grocery store with her husband.
He walks to the bathroom and when he does another man walks up and says to the woman "Im gonna tweak your nipples until they bleed"
She is outraged and says "Just wait till my husband gets back and hears you said that"
He says to her "Im gonna spank your ass until it turns blue"
She says "Just wait, hes gonna kick your ass"
He goes "Im gonna fill your vagina up with beer and drink it out with a straw"
She goes "Here he comes. Get ready"
The husband returns and the woman tells him "This guys says hes gonna tweak my nipples until they bleed", the husband takes off his coat
"Then he said hes going to spank my ass until it turns blue", the husband rolls up his sleeves and takes off his tie.
"He said hes gonna fill my vagina up with beer and drink it out with a straw", The husband starts rolling back down his sleeves, puts his tie back on and puts his jacket back on.
She goes "What are you doing? Arent you gonna kick this guys ass?"
The husband replies "Hell no! im not gonna fuck with someone who can drink that much"

 

[AnarchyDivine88]

^ That was awesome.

 

[ZEBOV]

Your mom.

 

[makeitreign]

OOHHHH HAHAHA YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

 

[ZEBOV]

Seriously though, when someone asks what you're doing, say "your mom." Or sister.

 

[glassmoon0fo]

a priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground. The priest looks over at an unsupervised child and says "hey, wanna screw that little boy?" The rabbi says "Out of what?"

 

[Jakke]

People with religious sensibilities are warned.

Spoiler

The prophet Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of his tent. He sat down beside her and said, “Why are you leaving me, wife?”

“I heard one of the other wives say that you are a pedophile!” she answered.

Mohammed thinks for a minute and responds, “That’s a mighty big word for a 6-year old!”

 

[Ocara-Jacob]

That's pretty freakin' hilarious.

 

[Bigfan]

It's funny because (According to the Qur'an), it's true!

 

[Jakke]

It's funny because (According to the Qur'an), it's true!

If I recall correctly, wasn't Aisha nine or something?

 

[BucketheadRules]

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

 

[BucketheadRules]

I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to take my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon.

Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.

 

[ShiftKey]

I was raised in east london so i get these but if your not aware of what an essex girl is think of something like the the yer' but no' character from little britain.

How do you get 4 essex girls to sit on a stool?
turn it over

what do you call a blonde (or essex girl) with pigtails?
blowjob with handlebars

Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink ?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.


Q: Why do Essex girls take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: What is the difference between a smart Essex girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

 

[glassmoon0fo]

Why did the blonde stop taking the pill?
Fell out every time she stood up.

Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.

A good looking business man gets on an elevator with a blonde and a brunette. The brunette notices that, good looking as he is, he has some dandruff on his shoulder, so she says to the blonde, "hot guy, but he needs Head and Shoulders." The blonde says, "...how do you give shoulders?"