SS.org Joke Thread

[tacotiklah]

Some funny court depositions for your morning amusement:
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[tacotiklah]

Have more!:
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[flint757]

Well the non-SSO meme thread died so I'll just put this here.

 

[pink freud]

Came up with this is class today, although I bet I'm not the first to:

The nice thing about integral calculus is you get to have all the rectangles you want and then sum.

Eh? Eh?


I'll show myself out.

 

[tacotiklah]

Dad: Son, I need you to get me a new pair of golfing socks
Son: In case you get a 'hole in one'? lulz
Dad: No, I just killed a man and I can't get the blood out of these ones.

 

[DoomJazz]

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie wonders speedboat.

I'm pissed blind about reading the Snake in the Desert joke.

 

[mr_rainmaker]

 

[DoomJazz]

Not a joke with a punchline, but I found out in my history of audio class that the Grammys statue is actually a Phonograph, not a Graphophone, so instead of it being called a Grammy, it should really be handed out as a Phony

 

[tedtan]

^ Very possibly a more fitting name, too.

 

[Preciousyetvicious]

"I'm feeling a little blue," the pineapple said, dolefully.

 

[vilk]

a termite walks into a bar and asks

is the bar tender here

 

[boroducci]

ordinary village
guys asked the old man why all the girls love him so much.
I do not know - an old man said and thenlicked his eyebrows with tongue

 

[BlackMastodon]

a termite walks into a bar and asks

is the bar tender here

 

[icos211]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the monkey.

 

[Jakke]

To resurrect this thread, and to commemorate yesterday:
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

Spoiler

No potatoes

 

[darkinners]

Perhaps a bit too long but please bear with me.


- A beautiful woman happily married for 10 years, Her husband is a wealthy and very nice business man who always take care his wife, whatever she need. She don't even need to ask.

One day the beautiful wife met a young and handsome man, he maybe not as rich or as mature as the husband is. But he offered something that the wife missed for ages.
Excitement; The feeling of being young.

They started an affair, despite it's wrong.
One day the young man said to the wife.
"This is not the way we want, I am so fed up with all the hiding and lies. Why don't we just disappear and start a new life together?"

At very same night, the wife grabbed some cash and valuable items from her house while her husband was away.
Sprinting all the way to the harbour they agreed to meet.

Upon arrival the young man already in the boat said "Let me carry all the stuffs to the island first or we have to risk to be caught together, I will come back to take you ASAP"

The wife thought he was right, gave everything to the man and wait for his return.

1 day,2 days, 3 days passed. No sign of that man coming back.
She is starving and freezing. Of course she can't go back home for what she did.


Suddenly, she saw a dog with a dying bird in it's mouth coming to the harbour port.
The dog let go of the bird and jump into sea to catch a fish.
The fish escape and the bird flew away.


The wife laughed and mumble："The dog is so stupid, it had the bird. Now it got nothing"

The dog replied:" Yeah, my stupidity costed me a meal but your stupidity costed your beauiful life"

The wife reckon she gave up all beautiful thing in life she had and all for nothing.

What this story telling us?




























Some dogs do speak human language.

 

[makeitreign]

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?


AIDS!
















I'm so sorry.

 

[BlackMastodon]

^That one took me a second but I lol'd when I got it. And now I feel like a bad person.

 

[mr_rainmaker]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

After his operation the doctors advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs

in his crotch.

Worried that it might be another surgery needed that the doctors

hadn't told him about yet, he finally got enough energy to pull his

hospital gown up sufficiently, that he could look at what was making

him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily

--- if at all...!!!!!!!!

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over

last week and gave a ticket to!"



Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

 

[mr_rainmaker]

What does a blonde do with her asshole every morning?

Drops him off at band practice.