SS.org Joke Thread

[Seybsnilksz]

A young couple is out having a drive. The girl spots a bull mounting a cow, and she asks her boyfriend: "How does the bull know that she is ready?" to wich he replies: "He can smell it because she sends out pheromones when it is time." They continue their trip. After a while the girlfriend says: "You have a cold huh?"

And here's a choir-related one that I posted in another thread a while ago:

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
The basses have never been in a Porsche.

 

[OmegaSlayer]

Ok I will bite:

There's a store that sells husbands and a woman walks in.

The first floor is full of guys who are nice. The woman is pleased but decides to check out the next floor.

The second floor is full of guys who are nice and good looking. The woman is pleased but still decides to see the next floor.

The third floor is full of guys who are good looking, nice, and have great jobs. The woman is very pleased but she thinks what is on that fourth floor.

She gets to the fourth floor and finds nothing except a sign. The sign says you're the 63,455 visitor to this floor. This just goes to show woman are impossible please go to the exit.


Then....There's a store selling wives and a guy enters the store

On the first floor is full of good looking woman.

The second floor.....no one has ever been on.

Hey, you should wake up in Connecticut, the same brand store is in Italy too and the second floor has beautiful women who love to have sex.

Dunno what's on the third though

 

[Low Baller]

Hey, you should wake up in Connecticut, the same brand store is in Italy too and the second floor has beautiful women who love to have sex.

Dunno what's on the third though

What!? A second floor!? You guys are smart in Italy in CT we thought it was just one floor. But we are ok we have a saying around here

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care!

I am kidding we definitely care.

Legend has it that the third floor has woman who are good looking, love sex, and support the buying of music gear. That just can't be true.

 

[Low Baller]

More horrible gems I found

My friend was a plastic surgeon but he stood too close to the fire and melted.

I am reading a book about anti gravity. It's just impossible to put down.

Do you know what Motzart and Bach are doing these days? They're de-composing.

A lumber jack accidentally cut off his left arm and leg but now he's all right.

When I die I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandfather did.....Not screaming like all of the passengers in his car.

It must be cold out I just saw an attorney with his hands in his own pockets.

A man knocked on my door asking if I wanted to contribute to the local pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

 

[Edika]

I don't know if I or someone else has posted these before:

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender serves him and the neutron asks:
- How much for the drink?
In whch the bartender replies:
- For you, no charge.

Neon walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says:
- We don't serve noble gasses.
There was no reaction.

A guy decides to go on a hot air baloon ride as it was something he always wanted to do. He goes and hires a baloon for an hour with an instructor. He gets on the baloon and just before the instructor gets in, a violent storm unleashes, breaks the ropes and swifts the baloon up on the clouds. The guy grabs on the basket for his life and the storm swings him around for several kilometers. By some miracle he survives and the baloon stays intact after a few hours being knocked around by the storm.
The storm clears up and the day is wonderful once again but he has no idea where he is as he can only see fields and trees and no sign of civilisation. By luck he spots a guy under a tree day dreaming. He manages to somewhat lower the baloon to about 30 metes above ground and shouts to the guy under the tree:
- Excuse me sir? Yes, yes you. Can you tell me where I am?
The guy under the tree seems to be contemplating his answer for about 5 minutes before replying:
- You're on a hot air baloon 30 meters above the ground.
The guy on the hot air baloon is stunned for a minute from the reply and then says:
- Can I ask you another question? Are you a mathematician?
- Why yes! How did you know?
- Well first of all you thought trough your reply, even though it was a simple question and you gave me really accurate information about my position that are completely useless to me, said the guy on the hot air baloon evidently crossed.
- You're right, said the guy under the tree. Can I ask you a question too? Are you a stock broker?
- While yes, replied the guy on the hot air baloon, how did you know?
- Well you set out for a destination without a plan or the right tools, you ended up somewhere you did not wish to be and now you're trying to shift the blame to someone else!

A police helicopter is out on patrol on a stormy night and suddenly they get hit by lightning. Luckily the engine is still runing but all other electronic equiment are fried so no radio and no navigation tools are working. To top that a really thick fog descends so they are unsure in which part of the city they are. They just make out one of the skyscrappers and see one of the windows lit. They approach the window and the co-pilot writes on a big piece of cardboatd "Where are we!".
The people in the building replies on another piece of cardboard "You're on a helicopter 20 stories above ground".
Seeing that the pilot makes a hard left and heads on for about 15 minutes and reaches the police station helipad. The co-pilot astonished asks the pilot:
- How did you know where we were from that reply?
- Well, says the pilot, by that completely accurate but useless description of our situation I figured out we were in the Microsoft headquarters building and it was easy then to navigate back to the police station!

 

[Seybsnilksz]

Why don't more people live in Norway?
They can't afjord it.

 

[tacotiklah]

Did you hear the one about the paraplegic that was given a big promotion at work? Apparently they made him the Chairman.

(I know, this joke is awful and you good people simply won't stand for it. My apologies... )

 

[IbanezDaemon]

Born again Christian mother and her son are driving thru a red light
district. In front of them is a truck which has been picking up all the
rubbish from the red light district.

After a short while driving behind the trash truck a large dildo falls
out and hits the windshield of the car. Son...."What was that Mommy/"

Born again Mommy realising an awkward scenario might ensue quips..
"Why nothing my child....just a mosquito probably...to which her son
replies....some size of a dick on it!!

 

[flint757]

"I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner."

Someone posted this on my Facebook.