Drugs...

[soliloquy]

/\ @TedEH you're awesome thanks for understanding.

And yeah, I do intend to try some more therapy once covid is done. Though therapy places are beginning to open up, since I'm not suicidal, I figure I'll leave them to deal with more dire people first. I can wait. Been in my head for 20+ years. I'm sure I can stay in for a bit longer

 

[c7spheres]

Funny you should mention that about my friends. I have 4 friends who have been in this world for about 2 decades now. One of them refused to guide me upfront, saying that he isn't the best person to help guide accordingly.
second volunteered enthusiastically, but her husband, also my friend, talked her out of it. Based on their understanding, they are saying that I most likely will have a violent trip, or something else they may not be comfortable with.
the fourth is the one who is saying that she can guide me, if I REALLY REALLY want to, but she would suggest against it. She has walked several other people through acid and shrooms, and thus, she would prolly be the best person to rely on.

but, she, too, is seeing it in me that I may not be something she is familiar with. They all have said that prior to going into their first trip, they all had a single narrative in their head. After the trip, they had several narratives happening, all at once. And as per their understanding, I already have several narratives in my head while 100% sober. And though they all say that they are able to keep up with me after the trip as intellectually we are meeting on a lot of different topics, it required them to trip a few times to get here, where as I am already there.

That is precisely why I am terrifying myself, yet a part of me is also intrigued by it. I dont connect with people as I feel so far away from everyone mentally. I dont seek validation in others, as I know they will never be able to get me. As such, whatever the hell is in my head gets lonely, and is begging for an escape.

and perhaps my choice of words for recreational use is inaccurate with psychedelics. Though they are doing it on a regular bases (sometimes monthly, sometimes weekly), if I do do it, I just want to try it once. I know it will impact me significantly, and I dont really have much in my current life I want to hold onto. I may have a house that may be the only thing I want to hold onto. Job, friends, family etc, aren't really doing much for me, and i feel like i'm in a rut for everything else.

Currently, the only thing I am doing in attempts to knock myself out of my head is drinking, and smoking weed. Maybe excessively? I dont know my limits, and dont know what is little or a lot. My partner drinks, and what normally lasts her a month of wine, i finished it within a week. And what lasts her 3-4 months of harder drinks, like tequila, i'm downing within 2 weeks. Haven't blacked out, and haven't really been feeling out of control. Id think I would have been light weight if I just started, but so far, it doens't seem to be the case. My friends are suggesting to slow it down and try enjoying the process by mixing drinks, but i'm not really doing it to enjoy the process. I am doing it to escape my head, and myself.

and even weed, isn't really doing much to me other than giving me a light buzzed head, but not exactly letting me escape.

I will be researching more into it, and other methods of just letting go of myself and my brain. Find out all I can control, and ignore what I cant control, and be content with it.


PS: I really do appreciate all your efforts in this, and your genuine concern. It isn't lost on me, and I know I'm not exactly in the right frame of mind. As such, thank you. Even if it may not mean much coming from a random person online, thank you. You could be doing a million other things, but still taking the time to talk me out of it is really appreciated.

Check out Sadhguru. He has lots of YouTube vids too and can possibly help you. He talks about a bit of everything, even how to stop the mind's chatter. Coincidence?
- Seriously, read up on him, his Wiki page, check him out. You will like. He talks about mental diahrrea : )
https://www.youtube.com/user/sadhguru
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaggi_Vasudev
Watch the entire video. It's a start.

 

[Yul Brynner]

My personal philosophy is always to address the cause, not the symptoms, whenever possible.

Good god you would make such a shitty American.

 

[Adieu]

So during a drug trial, ANYTHING that happens that can't be directly explained gets listed, including random or non-linked events. So if you have a heart attack during the trial and there is no clear evidence (patient history, drugs, etc.) then it gets listed. The paper will list the exact rate of occurrence, but by law the label must list all SE. This is why many trials try to remove subjects from the trial so they don't taint the results. Sometimes they'll fight to have a subject removed so they wont have to list the SE, because patient's will (random/non-linked or otherwise) die during your trial and fuck everything up. But anyways a lot of times these SE are 0.01-0.1% rate... but still if 100k people take that drug you're looking at 10-100 people having that SE.

If it lists:

Weight gain
Loss of libido
Hair loss
Delusions
Drowsiness


....you're GETTING those. Not maybe, but definitely.


PS libido refers to capability moreso than desire unless otherwise noted. All hairloss should be deemed irreversible unless and until amply proven otherwise.

 

[TedEH]

Good god you would make such a shitty American.

Is that an insult or a compliment? I'd like to think it's a bit of both.

 

[Boofchuck]

As a proponent of psychedelics, I would like to agree with what c7spheres said and to add that a positive psychedelic experience can become a challenge once things become normal again. The real healing that comes from psychedelics happens after the experience is over through integration and conscious work. They can help show the way but it requires real work once the trip is over. So having a support system and a tools for integrating the experience into your life in a healing way is critical.

Do research and some soul seeking. You'll know if it's the right thing.

Please remember the following:

Do it only with experienced people you trust, in a safe and designated environment, set ground rules, set intentions, and be open.

If you choose to do them, know that you can change your mind and back out before taking them if you do not feel ready.

Sobriety is often the most difficult trip. Good luck with your healing.

 

[jaxadam]

Sobriety is often the most difficult trip. Good luck with your healing.

Hot damn that is deep. Do you mind if I borrow it and put it on some t-shirts?

 

[Boofchuck]

Hot damn that is deep. Do you mind if I borrow it and put it on some t-shirts?

Let me check with my sister since she's the one who told me that haha. Thanks for asking.

 

[Boofchuck]

Hot damn that is deep. Do you mind if I borrow it and put it on some t-shirts?

Go for it! Feel free to send me one haha.

 

[Humbuck]

I didn't take that as an attack, and I'm not offended either.

I did try two different therapists, and they both kind of concluded that being excessively self-aware and in my head isnt a 'bad' thing. And that I need stronger boundries, which will fix things.

Though I do agree with boundries fixing some of the issues I have, I don't think they truely understand my issues with being caged in my head and unable to escape; constantly over thinking and over complicating things. Not exactly anxiety. Or if it is, it's high functioning anxiety as it isn't limiting me from doing my day to day tasks and all.

It's just leaving me exhausted.

Honestly man, you need to get heavily into the outdoors! It's s really good direction to go. Get a Kayak or a mountain bike. Take up fishing or even spearfishing! The outdoors is a cure all for many. Has worked wonders for me!

 

[wheresthefbomb]

Tomorrow I'm going to start volumetric microdosing. A few days ago I prepared a 10% solution in diluted water, I have a 5ml syringe to measure out 1ml doses=10ul microdose. I don't expect any noticeable effects at this level but I'm starting on my day off just to be sure. I'll start with 10ul and increase as needed, I usually need more of these things than the average person but I'm doing science here. If anyone else has any experiences with this I'd love to hear it.

To additionally relate to the topic, I'm a little over two months sober from alcohol after a relapse this winter. I've been avoiding psychs completely for a while due to unhealthy state of mind, I've done a lot of work on myself recently and I think this will be exactly the ticket for me. I've benefitted greatly from them in the past, but my state of mind always dictates the extent of those benefits, and also the extent of any negativity I experience. I'm healthier mentally now than I've been in a while, certainly since before the last time I foolishly took psychs.

 

[oldbulllee]

s

Tomorrow I'm going to start volumetric microdosing. A few days ago I prepared a 10% solution in diluted water, I have a 5ml syringe to measure out 1ml doses=10ul microdose. I don't expect any noticeable effects at this level but I'm starting on my day off just to be sure. I'll start with 10ul and increase as needed, I usually need more of these things than the average person but I'm doing science here. If anyone else has any experiences with this I'd love to hear it.

To additionally relate to the topic, I'm a little over two months sober from alcohol after a relapse this winter. I've been avoiding psychs completely for a while due to unhealthy state of mind, I've done a lot of work on myself recently and I think this will be exactly the ticket for me. I've benefitted greatly from them in the past, but my state of mind always dictates the extent of those benefits, and also the extent of any negativity I experience. I'm healthier mentally now than I've been in a while, certainly since before the last time I foolishly took psychs.

sorry if i missed it, but microdosing with what?

 

[devastone]

Honestly man, you need to get heavily into the outdoors! It's s really good direction to go. Get a Kayak or a mountain bike. Take up fishing or even spearfishing! The outdoors is a cure all for many. Has worked wonders for me!

Just reading through this in some downtime. I've never tried psychedelics, and probably shouldn't knowing my personality, mj used to seriously mess me up. But, @soliloquy I second Humbuck's post, I don't know your current activity levels sounds like you need to push your body some and the your head will follow. My thing is mountain biking, I feel different after a good ride, sometimes I have trouble talking myself into going, especially in the winter (been a while, I really need to get out), but I don't think I've ever gotten back from one and regretted it, in fact quite the opposite, and it (any hard physical, dopamine increasing activity) does change your brain.

 

[ResistentialAssultSquadron]

I stopped drinking alcohol shortly after the spring pandemic lockdown, and no longer have a taste for it. Regardless, i still enjoy coffee and pot. I feel as though booze was enhancing my anxiety, whereas a good pot-2-coffee ratio keeps my mind balanced and alert.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

I stopped drinking alcohol shortly after the spring pandemic lockdown, and no longer have a taste for it. Regardless, i still enjoy coffee and pot. I feel as though booze was enhancing my anxiety, whereas a good pot-2-coffee ratio keeps my mind balanced and alert.

Good for you being aware of your body and actually listening. It's difficult but necessary to take an honest look at our relationships with intoxicants.

I'll be a year sober (from alcohol) May 12. I was a couple years sober and relapsed heavily a few months before pandemic started.

Cannabis daily. I would never have quit cigs or alcohol otherwise, and that's the truth. I took a break from cannabis last fall after I caught myself chain smoking joints at a bonfire. Never quite got to that point before or since. Life is tough sometimes.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

My how the time flies. 2 years 7 months sober from alcohol, minus one brief premeditated relapse when visiting family two summers ago. I told myself I was going to let myself drink for that one shitty week and then stop when I got back to the real world, and I did. Now I'm trying to quit cannabis for real, the realest. I've done a lot of reading about cannabis abuse disorder and realized I am 100% absolutely addicted. I've been using it consistently since I was 20, a few breaks here and there but otherwise all day, every day. It's not an exaggeration to say I smoked my 20s away. I accomplished very little in that decade. I've tried to quit before and always end up back on my bullshit with lies about "moderation." That is simply not a skill I have when it comes to easy sources of dopamine. I love smoking weed and we've had some really great times but it's time for a change. I'm 36 and don't want to be in my 40s looking back at another wasted decade.

 

[AwakenTheSkies]

I've been sober from alcohol for nearly a year. Just quit when I got tinnitus as they said it was bad for the ears. Used to drink daily otherwise, just not a lot. Maybe some wine before bed to fall asleep easier and some beers with friends. If I drink now I doubt anything bad is going to happen but I like this sober streak so I keep at it.
The only "drug" I do is cigarettes, 5-7 rolled cigs a day. I almost quit but when I got tinnitus I just stopped giving a fuck.
So yeah I mean I'm sober so that's less abuse for my body but I'm doing way way worse than when I wasn't sober so it's kind of ironic.
I don't even bother getting drunk, it doesn't cheer me up. If I'm sad and I get drunk then I'll just be sad and drunk.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

My how the time flies. 2 years 7 months sober from alcohol, minus one brief premeditated relapse when visiting family two summers ago. I told myself I was going to let myself drink for that one shitty week and then stop when I got back to the real world, and I did. Now I'm trying to quit cannabis for real, the realest. I've done a lot of reading about cannabis abuse disorder and realized I am 100% absolutely addicted. I've been using it consistently since I was 20, a few breaks here and there but otherwise all day, every day. It's not an exaggeration to say I smoked my 20s away. I accomplished very little in that decade. I've tried to quit before and always end up back on my bullshit with lies about "moderation." That is simply not a skill I have when it comes to easy sources of dopamine. I love smoking weed and we've had some really great times but it's time for a change. I'm 36 and don't want to be in my 40s looking back at another wasted decade.

I profoundly admire the transparency that someone has to say these words ^^^. Best thing about quitting smoking pot is that it's one of the easiest things to quit regarding the severity of withdraw. Noting even remotely as difficult as abstaining from alcohol, cigarettes, or harder drugs... cocaine, meth, and even prescription drugs. It's a codependency thing, sure but kicking it is actually doable without all the horrible side effects of other substance addictions. You obviously know all that I'm sure, but still wanted to mention it.

I wish you absolute success and a ton of respect.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

I profoundly admire the transparency that someone has to say these words ^^^. Best thing about quitting smoking pot is that it's one of the easiest things to quit regarding the severity of withdraw. Noting even remotely as difficult as abstaining from alcohol, cigarettes, or harder drugs... cocaine, meth, and even prescription drugs. It's a codependency thing, sure but kicking it is actually doable without all the horrible side effects of other substance addictions. You obviously know all that I'm sure, but still wanted to mention it.

I wish you absolute success and a ton of respect.

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. I've actually found it harder than alcohol, once I finally decided I was truly done with alcohol that was it, and even through a couple relapses I knew I valued sobriety more than anything alcohol could give me and knew I'd get back to that. I think part of it is I don't have any other crutch now, I had weed to turn to after cigs and alcohol, now I'm just facing the cold harsh light of fully sober reality and it's been a long ass time. It's been difficult to imagine my life without weed, I'm in mourning even.

I'm on Day 4 and I'm noticing that a lot of the things I convinced myself I was getting help from weed for over the years (sleep, "anxiety," pain, focus) were in fact all being worsened by it, or at best it was covering them up and preventing me from being able to engage with them and process them normally. Not to mention all the ways it enabled me to neglect my health and responsibilities. We have this really toxic social narrative that weed isn't addictive and that it won't hurt you but for some people (I think a larger proportion than we even realize/acknowledge currently) that's just not true. Anyway, despite the withdrawals I already feel better, I feel the sparkle slowly coming back even through the haze and exhaustion.

I've been sober from alcohol for nearly a year. Just quit when I got tinnitus as they said it was bad for the ears. Used to drink daily otherwise, just not a lot. Maybe some wine before bed to fall asleep easier and some beers with friends. If I drink now I doubt anything bad is going to happen but I like this sober streak so I keep at it.
The only "drug" I do is cigarettes, 5-7 rolled cigs a day. I almost quit but when I got tinnitus I just stopped giving a fuck.
So yeah I mean I'm sober so that's less abuse for my body but I'm doing way way worse than when I wasn't sober so it's kind of ironic.
I don't even bother getting drunk, it doesn't cheer me up. If I'm sad and I get drunk then I'll just be sad and drunk.

This is so real. The biggest thing I learned from quitting alcohol is that all my problems were still there, and many of them were even worse because I wasn't covering them with a warm blanket of drunk every night. I've slowly been working on a lot of those things but it takes time. I spent so many years running from myself. Congrats on your one year!