Scooter1969
not a shredder
What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Hey, you gonna eat that?"
"Hey, you gonna eat that?"
Jokes of the day!
- Thread starter AxRookie
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spudmunkey
Well-Known Member
I think I may have written an original joke...I'm a bit sheepish to share it because I simultaneously think it's one of the cleverest things I've ever come up with, and also think that it's absolutely terrible and I should feel ashamed for my pride in something so bad.
So now that I've set both realistic and completely unobtainable expectations, I now present to you, "The One About French Poet Sandwiches".
*ahem*
Q: How do French poets order their turkey sandwiches?
So now that I've set both realistic and completely unobtainable expectations, I now present to you, "The One About French Poet Sandwiches".
*ahem*
Q: How do French poets order their turkey sandwiches?
A: Ennuit
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odibrom
.
@spudmunkey ... I like your effort... but I didn't get it... please explain... yeah, I know, it will spoil the joke... sorry...
spudmunkey
Well-Known Member
"Ennui" is a word of french origin often used to describe a feeling of the combination of boredom, sadness, weariness, maybe a little anguish or depression. A state-of-being often expressed by artists and poets. It's pronounced (basically) like on-WEE. Then I added a "t" at the end.
When said out loud: "on-WEE"+t = "on wheat".
wheresthefbomb
Well-Known Member
Here's an original for ya's
If a marxist thinks you're cute, they might be hotskty to trotsky
If a marxist thinks you're cute, they might be hotskty to trotsky
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear
TedEH
Cromulent
I would have got it, except I pronounced it in my head with a silent T.
spudmunkey
Well-Known Member
I love listening to stand-up comedy. I've been buying comedy albums for 30+ years. I like listening to funny people tell stories. Some podcasts are funny people telling stories.
Another type I'll consume: some are also documentaries. Does a lack of imagery make them less valid than a video documentary?
Another type I'll consume: some are also documentaries. Does a lack of imagery make them less valid than a video documentary?
Fenriswolf
Well-Known Member
So these 2 drunk guys were in a whorehouse, and the madam tells the whores, "Just give them blowup dolls, they're so drunk the can't tell the difference." While they were on the way home, one drunk guy turns to the other one and tells him, "Man, I think my whore was dead, she just laid there and didn't make sound or anything." His buddy tell him, "Man you think that was bad, I think mine was a witch. I bit her on the ass, and then she farted in my face and flew out the window."
Fenriswolf
Well-Known Member
So there was this old country boy who involved in a wreck with a cattle truck, and he was in court because he said one thing at the scene of the accident, and something else later. And keep in mind, this is a good ol' honest country boy who's never told a lie in his life, swore to tell the truth on every bible in the county. Well, that hotshot big time lawyer the cattle company had has him on the witness stand, asking him, "Sir, at the scene of the accident didn't you say there was not a thing wrong with you? But now you are claiming that you have a broken leg? And you are expecting my client's insurance to pay for this?"
"Yassir, that right," The country boy replies, to which the lawyer replies, "Well, if you are so 'honest' would you mind explaining to the jury why you lied then and have changed your mind and now apparently have a broken leg?"
The country boy stands up on his crutches and says, "I wouldn't mind doin' it at all. I was on my way to town with a hog to take to the sale barn, and that big ol' cattle truck side swiped me in a curb. Ran me off in the ditch, and busted that trailer open where all them cows came bellerin' out the side. I'm laying down there with a broke leg with a bunch of bellerin' and bleatin' cows. And then up walked that state trooper. Pulled out that big ol' .357 Magnum he was carrying, and asked the truck driver, 'What's wrong with that cow down over there?'. Truck driver told him that cows got a broke leg. BOOOOOM shot her right tween the eyes. 'How bout that one?' She had a broke leg too, BOOOOOOM right tween the eyes, 'That one over there squirming and bellerin'?" Same thing, BOOOOOOM, killed her graveyard dead. The barrel of that .357 was smokin' and he looked there at me and asked, 'Sir, what's wrong with you?', and I said not a thang in the world. What would you have said???"
"Yassir, that right," The country boy replies, to which the lawyer replies, "Well, if you are so 'honest' would you mind explaining to the jury why you lied then and have changed your mind and now apparently have a broken leg?"
The country boy stands up on his crutches and says, "I wouldn't mind doin' it at all. I was on my way to town with a hog to take to the sale barn, and that big ol' cattle truck side swiped me in a curb. Ran me off in the ditch, and busted that trailer open where all them cows came bellerin' out the side. I'm laying down there with a broke leg with a bunch of bellerin' and bleatin' cows. And then up walked that state trooper. Pulled out that big ol' .357 Magnum he was carrying, and asked the truck driver, 'What's wrong with that cow down over there?'. Truck driver told him that cows got a broke leg. BOOOOOM shot her right tween the eyes. 'How bout that one?' She had a broke leg too, BOOOOOOM right tween the eyes, 'That one over there squirming and bellerin'?" Same thing, BOOOOOOM, killed her graveyard dead. The barrel of that .357 was smokin' and he looked there at me and asked, 'Sir, what's wrong with you?', and I said not a thang in the world. What would you have said???"
Fenriswolf
Well-Known Member
So, one day, the principle was going around through the school, making sure the teachers are doing a good job teaching. He asks one girl if she can demonstrate some arithmetic, she gets up, says her times tables, he says good job and goes to the next class. In that class he asks one of the kids to demonstrate some cursive on the chalkboard, they get up and perfect cursive. He goes to the next class, and asks a little boy if he can demonstrate some prose and poetry. He stands up, and is kinda shuffling his feet because he doesn't know the difference. The principle tells him, "There was an old woman who lived on the hill, and last I heard the lived there still. That rhymes, so it's poetry, but there was and old woman who lived on the hill, and last week she moved to town, and that's prose because it don't rhyme. I'll be back in a couple days to make sure you've figured out the difference."
So a couple weeks later the principal came back by the class, and that little boy jumped up and said, "There was an old woman who lived by a well when she died she went straight to....whatcha want? Prose or poetry?
So a couple weeks later the principal came back by the class, and that little boy jumped up and said, "There was an old woman who lived by a well when she died she went straight to....whatcha want? Prose or poetry?
jaxadam
Well-Known Member
A truck driver was sitting at a diner eating and minding his own business when this gang of bikers walks in. They walk up and sit down next to him laughing and horsing around with one another. The first leans over and says "Are you gonna eat those fries?" and just takes a big handful. The next leans in and says "Are you gonna drink that?" and grabs his drink cup and guzzles it down. A third slides next to him and says "How's that burger?" and picks it up and finishes it off.
Without a word, the truck driver gets up, kindly pays his bill, and leaves quietly. As the waitress was cleaning up the mess, one of the bikers says to her "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" to which she replied "Not much of a driver, either. He just plowed over all of those motorcycles parked out front."
Without a word, the truck driver gets up, kindly pays his bill, and leaves quietly. As the waitress was cleaning up the mess, one of the bikers says to her "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" to which she replied "Not much of a driver, either. He just plowed over all of those motorcycles parked out front."
spudmunkey
Well-Known Member
Damn, girl...are you the Jeep from Stephen King's The Mist? Because I wanna shoot a kid in you.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day!
I love it - it has it all - dark humour, movie reference, risqué double entendre, holiday-theme!
spudmunkey
Well-Known Member
What's the best power tool on which to perform oral sex?
A Sawzall. Because it reciprocates.
Also, if someone answers, "A drill?" you can say, "No, because a drill would be boring."
Also, if someone answers, "A drill?" you can say, "No, because a drill would be boring."
jaxadam
Well-Known Member
Sister Mary Katherine joins a convent of silence. They are not allowed to speak, and after 5 years she goes to meet with Mother Superior. Mother Superior says “Sister Mary Katherine, you’ve been with us 5 years now, you may speak two words”. Sister Mary Katherine says “cold food”. Mother Superior states that she will see what she can do to make the meals more enjoyable.
Another 5 years of silence go by and she once again makes her way to Mother Superior. Mother Superior says “Sister Mary Katherine, you’ve been with us 10 years now, you may speak two words”. Sister Mary Katherine says “hard bed”. Mother Superior says she will see what she can do to make her living arrangements more comfortable.
Another 5 years of silence go by and she meets with Mother Superior. Mother Superior says “Sister Mary Katherine you’ve now been with us 15 years, you may speak two words”to which Sister Mary Katherine immediately replies “I quit!”. Mother Superior says “It’s probably best you did, you’ve done nothing but bitch ever since you got here”.
Another 5 years of silence go by and she once again makes her way to Mother Superior. Mother Superior says “Sister Mary Katherine, you’ve been with us 10 years now, you may speak two words”. Sister Mary Katherine says “hard bed”. Mother Superior says she will see what she can do to make her living arrangements more comfortable.
Another 5 years of silence go by and she meets with Mother Superior. Mother Superior says “Sister Mary Katherine you’ve now been with us 15 years, you may speak two words”to which Sister Mary Katherine immediately replies “I quit!”. Mother Superior says “It’s probably best you did, you’ve done nothing but bitch ever since you got here”.
