SS Love and Relationships Thread

[CTID]

Maybe it isn't necessary, but I just reread my post and just want to clarify that I'm not shitting on people who work manual labor jobs. That's literally all I've ever done in my working life. Having lived in Savannah for 18 years, I'm more just worried about getting stuck in a dead-end job there and getting trapped.

idk, maybe the clarification wasn't necessary but I wanted to make it clear that i don't feel like i'm "above" some work. I'll deliver pizzas or mop floors if i need to

 

[High Plains Drifter]

Maybe it isn't necessary, but I just reread my post and just want to clarify that I'm not shitting on people who work manual labor jobs. That's literally all I've ever done in my working life. Having lived in Savannah for 18 years, I'm more just worried about getting stuck in a dead-end job there and getting trapped.

idk, maybe the clarification wasn't necessary but I wanted to make it clear that i don't feel like i'm "above" some work. I'll deliver pizzas or mop floors if i need to

I don't think anyone here interpreted that. Nothing but support here in this thread. Your situation particularly resonates with me and I wish you nothing but success moving forward. Another PM box that's open to you if you ever need.

 

[RevDrucifer]

Maybe it isn't necessary, but I just reread my post and just want to clarify that I'm not shitting on people who work manual labor jobs. That's literally all I've ever done in my working life. Having lived in Savannah for 18 years, I'm more just worried about getting stuck in a dead-end job there and getting trapped.

idk, maybe the clarification wasn't necessary but I wanted to make it clear that i don't feel like i'm "above" some work. I'll deliver pizzas or mop floors if i need to

No one is going to take it that way, brother, no worries.

And going on your last post, essentially, your world DID get flipped upside down and you’ve got nothing to apologize about for thinking out loud.

Another piece of advice about advice- be very cautious of what you read from others and hold onto. I didn’t have anyone to talk to when my marriage started falling apart, I opened up on another forum where I’d been a member for years and it was like EVERYONE else had a better idea of what the situation was more than me. My head was filled with so much shit from people speculating that I almost took their advice, lawyered up and went after my ex, which would have ruined the no-fault dissolution we were working on and most certainly bankrupted me and made the situation infinitely worse.

Eventually I had to stop listening to everyone but my therapist and my self and just do what I felt was my best move forward. Outside of requesting the divorce myself, that was the smartest decision I made in that whole period.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

100% this ^^^.

That's all I see whenever reading about these situations... "Lawyer up!". And that's simply not universally sound advice... especially considering the financial end of it. Every story is different as are the individuals. My last relationship ended very amicably and if my current wife and I were to divorce, I ( nor she) would feel the need to seek legal council. Many times there is no ill-intent by either party and they simply want to go their separate ways. In my last relationship ( common law) we discussed how things would be divided ( including switching/ disconnecting of utility services, contracts, partnerships, etc) and at most, we argued a little about a couple pieces of furniture, an appliance, and the dog... and we were able to reach acceptable solutions for each.

 

[DrewH]

Yeah no lawyers. Friend of mines divorce took 2.5 years from separation until everything was finally finished and a crap ton of money into the lawyers pocket. If you do the peaceful route, you are done in a few months.

Also, you had what is commonly referred to as a practice marriage. Everyone I know who married super young was divorced by their 30s. People change a lot in just their 20s. Being back in the dating scene at age 30 can be a super thing. Go meet a lot of ladies and have a good time. The job thing will work itself out. The great part of being that age is it's not the worst time to have to reinvent or start from scratch. Not at the age yet where that sort of situation has a lot of long term consequences.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

Yeah, I've been divorced twice, both no-fault. The first time the judge was even shocked, he practically encouraged me to go after my wife's brand new car. I told him her stuff was hers, mine was mine, and that was that. I'm extremely grateful we were able to just part ways. My second wife even let me keep her cat because he had clearly decided I was his person. I've heard enough stories to know it could've been a lot uglier. I wish you all the best, you've gotten this far and you'll know what's right for you as your head levels out.

 

[nightflameauto]

Man, @CTID that's rough, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it. I'm glad though that it seems you both aren't interested in letting it go toxic and feral. I hope you both find a way to sort it out and get where you end up happier.

I have some personal shit going on too that I'm not even sure I should bother articulating. It kinda gets old having somebody at home all the time, yet feeling completely and utterly alone when in their presence. Sometimes, it'd be nice if there were a "press pause" button on relationships. Not for exploring other options, just for a moment of peace and sanity. I'm getting tired of having to decide between making my wife happy, and being a decent human being. Not all of us can just lock ourselves away in the house and never leave. And those of us that have to interact with others, and feel utterly drained from it every single time don't really enjoy being judged for it on top of the experience itself. And now having a massive sense of dread about the lecture that's waiting when you get home from a day that's already taken almost everything from you.

Yeah, that's enough of that.

 

[jaxadam]

I am approaching 19 years with the same lady.

 

[p0ke]

I am approaching 19 years with the same lady.

Congrats on that. Coming up on 10 years here, currently trying to come up with something nice to celebrate the anniversary. Possibly a weekend trip to some nearby country or something like that.

It kinda gets old having somebody at home all the time, yet feeling completely and utterly alone when in their presence. Sometimes, it'd be nice if there were a "press pause" button on relationships. Not for exploring other options, just for a moment of peace and sanity. I'm getting tired of having to decide between making my wife happy, and being a decent human being. Not all of us can just lock ourselves away in the house and never leave. And those of us that have to interact with others, and feel utterly drained from it every single time don't really enjoy being judged for it on top of the experience itself. And now having a massive sense of dread about the lecture that's waiting when you get home from a day that's already taken almost everything from you.

Can absolutely relate. On top of what you're saying, I put the kids to bed every night and when I come back downstairs I'm usually absolutely knackered, and the first words I get are something like "can you please cook me something, I'm starving". Like wtf, you've been sitting there for the last hour or so just doom scrolling away on your phone, you should be the one who cooks for me

But on the other hand I get my kicks out of pleasing my wife (also in these more "everyday" ways), so I guess I can't really complain. I'd just prefer to do stuff on my own terms rather than when being told to.

 

[nightflameauto]

I'm at 24 years and counting with one. Some days it's great, others? Well?

But on the other hand I get my kicks out of pleasing my wife (also in these more "everyday" ways), so I guess I can't really complain. I'd just prefer to do stuff on my own terms rather than when being told to.

I do still enjoy some things, but there's a whole lot of "do you still respect me" hanging in the air right now. If I had to answer, gun to my head, if she still respected me, I'd say not even a little. Which has led to several years of me wondering if I still have any respect for myself. Or if I ever did.

I have days that are great. And then I have other days where it feels very much like, "Just do what you have to to survive." Survive until when? Not sure. And that's the part that gets me real down.

 

[p0ke]

I'm at 24 years and counting with one. Some days it's great, others? Well?

I do still enjoy some things, but there's a whole lot of "do you still respect me" hanging in the air right now. If I had to answer, gun to my head, if she still respected me, I'd say not even a little. Which has led to several years of me wondering if I still have any respect for myself. Or if I ever did.

I have days that are great. And then I have other days where it feels very much like, "Just do what you have to to survive." Survive until when? Not sure. And that's the part that gets me real down.

Yup, again, can absolutely relate... I'm just not that deep in "that" yet. I often have those "survive until when?" feelings though. I think my answer is "until the kids are big enough not to require constant supervision", but on the other hand I feel like I'll probably be too cynical to enjoy anything by then...

 

[OneTwoThrill]

I couldn’t imagine such a thread in this forum.
Self sufficient forum !


Quite charmed by “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”.

I appreciate ideas in this book and I try to be the most ethical guy I tend to be.

 

[CTID]

Thanks y'all.

Just a quick update today: Contacted my sister and my parents, let them know about the situation. Sister offered for me to stay with her and her fiance in Chapel Hill, parents (predictably, being my parents) offered nothing, lol. So right now, I'm making plans to head out to NC in the next couple weeks. Getting started on getting my car registered, gonna get it towed to a shop to get it running again, and getting a quote for a POD for me to get my stuff shipped there while I drive cross country with my more fragile stuff (PC, guitars, etc.). I'm still devastated and just emotionally fucked but I feel a lot better having a plan in place. At least I know I'm not going to have to couch surf for potentially months, or just sleep in my car. I did that at 18 and it was hard enough.

Also talked to my wife yesterday, had a decent civil conversation about my plans, making sure she was in the loop. I think we're in a better spot, in that at least we can be in each others' presence without breaking down. Since we've walked the dog together a couple times and chatted about some stuff. Just trying to be friendly, and to be okay with this situation. I've already accepted I'm probably going to stay here for at least a couple more weeks while logistics get sorted out, so might as well not make it miserable and awkward for both of us.

Trying to be excited about new possibilities, at least. At least I never have to speak to her mother again another day in my life!

 

[wheresthefbomb]

I think it's really cool to see so many regular members of this forum taking responsibility for their mental and emotional health. My insurance starts soon for my new job and I'm very excited about being able to start going to therapy. Keep at it y'all.

 

[OneTwoThrill]

For sure it's a tough situation. Once we have to face for the first time it seems impossible to pass it.
You have the right to be sad, angry, feeling lost or whatever.
The point that is sounds weird to me is mentioning your financial situation. I don't know you, your life, childhood, feelings and I will not judge you. But goods are just goods. Whatever the financial situation, it's not defining you.

What is hurting you ? What do you feel? What did you expect in your relation? What did you noticed last months? What was valuable ? Did you both have changed you attention to the other? Did she mentioned some needs? Fantasies? Willingness?

My only one long term relationship taught me a lot when it ended. I made the decision to live on my own. I discovered that someday or another I will live with a person because we must and not because we want it.
I met a lot of people for years to get relationships with authentic, sincere and clear state of mind. A kind of friendship with some extras. For more than 2 years I lived strong connexion with 5 ladies. I think I loved all of them. And I think every single of them loved me. They were aware of my situation and most of them lived the same. The rule was clear : no disease ! No risky relationship ! Protection with everyone. Anyway it was not just sex. It was sharing moments in museums, concerts, diner, evenings with friends (some could not understand how could I pretend to love more than one), travels, weekends at the sea, mountains, countryside... laughs to tears and tears to laughs sometimes when life was difficult.

The way to reach these stories was quite long.
At first I had to understand that I (and maybe "people") cannot live with only one person my entire life. Quite easy when people died from starving in dark ages, wars, world wars or Spanish flue.
Then I understood that nobody is my property and I am free too. I have lever liked the expression: "my wife, my GF... my...".
I own my guitars but not a person.
I discovered that jealousy was personal fears: fucking patriarchy and macho mindset, fear of not being loved, fear of not being up to the situation or the person. Actually I have said for some ladies that I was not at their level (of culture, beauty, charism, wealth...). I was missing the best part of themselves. I had to understand their feelings, their humanity, their weakness as I was discovering mine, and them I became more conscious of myself and others.

Be sad and cry man. Cry as much as you can. Really it helps. Ask yourself about your feelings. Try to write them on a paper. Try to express them (with no alcool nor drugs) to be the more honest you can be.
No one will judge you. We are all the same. We all need people around. We all need love. For that we need to love ourself and to take care of ourself.

Please don't think I wanted to to talk about me. My aim was just to share my experience and maybe to get some ideas. The solutions is in yourself.

Take care.


Edit : The ethical slut is a really good book.

 

[TedEH]

Since this has become the family-rant thread, I was annoyed at some family news today.

Y'all already know there's brother and father drama lately. I managed to mediate a bit between them, from a distance, to get them to transfer a vehicle from father's name into brother's name for insurance reasons. Bro is a stoner, and Dad doesn't want to risk impaired driving on his insurance. Fine, whatever, if it makes him happy. Bro came to me to help work out how to do it. In theory, he just needs insurance and then to go to the license bureau and do the transfer. I helped him get insurance, in his own name, everything is good.

Then today they have to do the last step: actually transfer ownership. The rule is that you can do it for free (or a token amount) for family, but they needed proof. Bro was able to dig up a bill showing they live at the same address. Problem is, they need to have lived together for a year for that to be valid proof, and they've only owned that house for three months. At this stage Dad starts ripping into the guy at the counter, who only barely understands because of the French/English language barrier, and bro is trying his best to translate. Dad storms out. At this point, bro apologizes to the guy at the desk and is able to clarify that they can move forward if they come back tomorrow with his birth certificate, which isn't a big deal, because we have those. So they're delayed by one day and wasted a bit of time, but whatever - one of them is retired and the other is unemployed, so it's not like they lost a work day or something.

Bro goes outside, explains the birth certificate thing, then (this was probably a mistake) calls Dad out for shouting at the guy at the counter. Dad's response is to tell him to fuck off, he can behave whatever way he wants, and then he drives away.

Some days it feels like they're all children.

 

[p0ke]

Bro goes outside, explains the birth certificate thing, then (this was probably a mistake) calls Dad out for shouting at the guy at the counter. Dad's response is to tell him to fuck off, he can behave whatever way he wants, and then he drives away.

Some days it feels like they're all children.

As a dad I can totally relate to that situation. Once your kids (or I guess anyone you're close enough with) have pushed you over the edge, any minor nudge can lead to escalation. When the bowl is full, it only takes a drop to overflow, and it can take a long time before there's room for new drops.

Oh and to continue family stuff (goes a little bit ot here) - my 2yo daughter seems to be getting teeth, so she's not sleeping. Hadn't slept during nap time in kindergarten yesterday and wouldn't fall asleep in the evening, and just keeps munching on her fingers all the time. So I finally got her to fall asleep at around midnight and then she woke up several times during the night (but continued sleeping, thankfully), so I thought I'm gonna be absolutely broken from that today. But instead, ironically, I woke up in a better mood today than I have in a long time. Don't know wtf is up with that It also helped that my wife didn't get up before me today so we got to cuddle for a bit before waking the kids etc. Physical contact works wonders, it seems.

 

[TedEH]

As a dad I can totally relate to that situation.

I don't think this is an "as a dad" situation. I think it's a "he needs therapy" situation. He has threatened me, my brother, his wife, random people doing their jobs, etc. It would be one thing if he got frustrated, lost his cool a bit, and apologized later for it when he cooled off. But that cool-off and self-awareness step never comes. The last time I visited the house, I showed up just to pick up brother because he needed a ride. He stood up, balled up his fists, and told me he'd "knock my fucking block off" because I dared to give bro a way to leave the house when he was trying to trap him there.

I spoke to him on the phone a few weeks after, never acknowledging the previous fight, and he gave me shit for talking to bro about money, because bro was behind on doing his taxes because nobody would help him. So I sat with bro and we did his taxes. I have no idea why this would piss anyone off. Getting his taxes done should be a good thing. Bro called me a couple days ago to say he got torn into again when I tried to tell Dad that his taxes were squared away finally. Figured it would be some good news, and it would gain him some positive favour in a "see, look, I'm trying to solve things, I did some good" kind of way. Dad responded to this by telling him off and telling him to go clean his room for some reason.

It just doesn't make any sense. There's no justification for his behaviour. He is an adult. He should know better. Ripping into a service worker for doing their job is inexcusable. Ripping into me for offering rides and helping with taxes is inexcusable. Threatening his family is inexcusable. Basically the whole immediate family is on eggshells around him.

I don't accept that this is a reasonable response to brother's behaviour. Brother also makes mistakes, he's also hot-headed and short-tempered and gets flustered easily - but bro steps back, calms down, and apologizes after the fact. I have heard time and time again over the last 6 months or so, bro will say "alight, I went overboard, I'm sorry, I'm very stressed, lets move on". I've never heard anything remotely similar to that from Dad. No admission of fault. No apologies. No reflection. He's becoming an angry boomer meme.

 

[RevDrucifer]

I don't think this is an "as a dad" situation. I think it's a "he needs therapy" situation. He has threatened me, my brother, his wife, random people doing their jobs, etc. It would be one thing if he got frustrated, lost his cool a bit, and apologized later for it when he cooled off. But that cool-off and self-awareness step never comes. The last time I visited the house, I showed up just to pick up brother because he needed a ride. He stood up, balled up his fists, and told me he'd "knock my fucking block off" because I dared to give bro a way to leave the house when he was trying to trap him there.

I spoke to him on the phone a few weeks after, never acknowledging the previous fight, and he gave me shit for talking to bro about money, because bro was behind on doing his taxes because nobody would help him. So I sat with bro and we did his taxes. I have no idea why this would piss anyone off. Getting his taxes done should be a good thing. Bro called me a couple days ago to say he got torn into again when I tried to tell Dad that his taxes were squared away finally. Figured it would be some good news, and it would gain him some positive favour in a "see, look, I'm trying to solve things, I did some good" kind of way. Dad responded to this by telling him off and telling him to go clean his room for some reason.

It just doesn't make any sense. There's no justification for his behaviour. He is an adult. He should know better. Ripping into a service worker for doing their job is inexcusable. Ripping into me for offering rides and helping with taxes is inexcusable. Threatening his family is inexcusable. Basically the whole immediate family is on eggshells around him.

I don't accept that this is a reasonable response to brother's behaviour. Brother also makes mistakes, he's also hot-headed and short-tempered and gets flustered easily - but bro steps back, calms down, and apologizes after the fact. I have heard time and time again over the last 6 months or so, bro will say "alight, I went overboard, I'm sorry, I'm very stressed, lets move on". I've never heard anything remotely similar to that from Dad. No admission of fault. No apologies. No reflection. He's becoming an angry boomer meme.

Sounds like dad never heard the Nietzsche quote about battling monsters.

My stepdad was similar, just always ready for a stand-off and more often than not, provoking one while claiming he’s just trying to “avoid bullshit” These types never seem to understand that they are the bullshit they claim to want to avoid.

He wanted to fight me when I told him I wanted to go to Berklee and I was an ungrateful fuck because I wanted to go play at school instead of getting a job at the shoe factory.

Once I hit my late 20’s I could bust his balls about it and we’d get a good chuckle at the absurdity, but it took me being away from him and my mother for nearly a decade to get to that point. I know for him, he had a rough upbringing and while he didn’t know, I think he took offense to anyone not going through that same kind of life and it turned him into a very bitter human at a lot of the outside world. That dude tried to beat the happy out of me as a kid and the less it worked, the angrier he’d get.

 

[nightflameauto]

I know for him, he had a rough upbringing and while he didn’t know, I think he took offense to anyone not going through that same kind of life and it turned him into a very bitter human at a lot of the outside world. That dude tried to beat the happy out of me as a kid and the less it worked, the angrier he’d get.

This reminds me of the number of times as a kid I'd be left in a drooling, tear-filled state and mom would "make it better" by telling me he had a rough childhood so I can't blame him for it.

Sometimes I wonder why I try so damned hard now.

Mom's going into in-patient rebab/physical therapy. And I need to coordinate with her roommates, who never pick up a god damned phone, on getting her a bunch of stuff for her longer stay at the hospital. And if I just show up, chances are better than 50% that roommate number one will be passed out drunk somewhere on the other end of the house, and roommate two will be downstairs with the headphones blasting "working" and not hear the door.

I do get tired of the expectation of "Just take care of things" placed on my shoulders, but even more tired of the fact that when I step up and actually do take care of things, I've got somebody at home ready to tell me what a doormat I am for trying to take care of my elderly parents.