Need advice on dealing with anxiety/stress

[vejichan]

Any advice on dealing and overcoming anxiety/stress? I tend to have this anxiety/stressed/restlessness when i am dealing with

• Co workers with anger issues
• Confrontations with people
• Fear of meeting/talking with someone you don't like or who doesn't like you

pretty much anything really. The issue here is "people" I found out this past year during the pandemic when staying home/jobless for 8 months straight.. i was fine.. no stress.. just me and my family.
Now i'm back to work and my symptome are "Blowing" up and out of control.. please help. Thanks

 

[VBCheeseGrater]

You will get all kinds of better help i'm sure in here, but one thing that age has taught me as a coping tactic for social anxiety over the years is reminding yourself "It's ok to be nervous - It's OK to be VISUALLY nervous." We have to do a standup meeting every day and I get nervous when my time comes to talk to 30+ people (I also have social anxiety too, not just when presenting like this). Allowing myself to be nervous often makes it easier.

 

[littlebadboy]

My 11 yr old daughter has more worst terrible issues. She worries that we (parents) might die tomorrow and where she would end up. That's on a daily basis. And, it's not just that, there are a bunch of other issues we don't understand. It could get frustrating for us sometimes. Seeing a therapist helped her. Please see one.

Anxiety is real.

 

[odibrom]

Get to a martial arts school, a good one (not sure if it's hard to find where you live). It will help you deal with confronting people peacefully, for them and specially for you.

Learning how to fight physically helps one on how to deal with people orally. One get more confident and that shows to others, even when your not speaking...

 

[c7spheres]

Something I've said before that I got from my dad which is true is this:
"Don't worry about anything. If you've got it under control then don't worry, because it's under your control. If it's not under your control then don't worry, because it's out of your control."

Easier said than done obviously, but regarding what you've said

• Co workers with anger issues:
  
• Confrontations with people

Don't entertain the idea unless you want to deal with them. If they start messing up your day with their problems or try dumping them on you, then cut them off and say something to the effect of: I'm sorry you have to deal with that but I can't also deal with it right now, I'm not talking about this right now, this isn't my problem, I've got my own problems, get a therapist, fuck off asshole etc.. until they learn that you aren't their personal sounding board/whipping post. This is the story of my life. I'm to nice to people
.
- The severity of rejection is up to you. I'd err on the side of being nice.

- One thing I've learned is in the workplace when people get to personal or annoy you it can be difficult to remain freindly and professional at the same time. Basically just be there to work and not personal stuff. When personal stuff comes up be nice and freindly. When you start getting stressed out by them it's time to take charge of the situation, draw a line and don't let anyone cross it. Tell them you don't wanna talk right now, nicely. This could go on for years before they stop.

• Fear of meeting/talking with someone you don't like or who doesn't like you:

I don't know what to say other than they are just people and try to balance the situation the best you can without getting angry. If they aren't being respectful then you have to demand it from them. Don't let them communicate with you in a disrespectful way. IF they do, or won't stop, just walk away. If it's your boss or something straight up tell them they're going to stop and if they don't you'll kill their spouse or children. I gaurantee that will make them stop for at least 0.5 seconds. jk. Don't do that.
- Seriously though, There's no reason to be afraid of these people. Don't fear someone you don't respect.
- The best thing to do is first try to become freindly with someone and give them the opportunity to be nice.

- Seriously though, maybe question why you have fear talking to someone. I can understand if it's someone who threatens power/job over you, but even then it's just a temporary feeling.

- You have to demand respect and basically train people to show it around you, or you won't get it. YOu don't have to do it in a dickish/rude way though. There's an art in this. - There's no reason to fear anyone unless maybe their being physically violent towards you. What sucks is it makes you feel uncomfortable because you feel like you're being rude etc and it's not your ordinary character, but the reality is people will take advavntage of you subconsiously this way unless you control the situation.

This little kid has the idea but he needs to work on his finesse. He's acting like his grandpa or something. Eventually he'll learn the nice way to do it, but this approach normally works just as well most of the time.

 

[Demiurge]

I can advise on what I'm trying to do- but as with most things, it's easier said than done- and that is establishing boundaries between yourself and your workplace.

Your career is not your life. The company you work for is not God or a purveyor of absolute virtue. Your performance is not your character or your personality. Your colleagues are not your friends, family, or enemies. Laying it out like that, it seems plain & sensible, but we know that there are workplaces that try to dissolve those boundaries. When there's no separation between your work and your life, it becomes impossible to switch-off and then work issues become personal issues which is a terrible thing if you have anxiety issues.

One of the big challenges during the pandemic was dealing with how work became the only consistent thing going-on. At the same time, it got tougher, too, getting work piled-on to assure that we weren't frittering-about or whatever while working from home. That led to prospect of longer hours or letting the work pile-up. Neither is great because you're choosing which way to wound yourself: either you're a schmuck for letting your company work you like a rented mule or you're falling personally by falling-behind. It took a very stressful situation for me to put my foot down and make a concerted effort to not let those assholes get to me like they did. If you encounter people at work who have a problem controlling their emotions, just know that you don't have to play ball. Maybe the workplace has gotten the best of them too and they haven't been able to work through it.

 

[c7spheres]

.....just know that you don't have to play ball.

This is what I should have said.

 

[vejichan]

Thank you for all your advice. There are people in your life that you need to deal with everyday.Nice/kind/helpful/compassionate people are great but unfortunately there are people that make you lose sleep lose your appetite, your mind and heart racing just the thought of seeing them or talking to them.i have encounter people that would scream/yell and throw you under the bus any chance you get.. and then their are those wolves/fox in sheep's clothing. They would gain your trust and then do the most horrible thing to you. Given a choice i would like to avoid these people but unfortunately you have to engage and interact with them. Each time makes you worry and causes you more anxiety about your next encounter. I begin to miss being unemployed and home during the pandemic because I didn't need to deal with such people just my family and i for 8 months. My heart and mind was at peace.. occasionaly you have some family stress but that are easy to handle. If there was a job that you didn't have to deal with "people" and still be able to support your family.. i would be all over it. But for now.. At least i have my weekend..

 

[vejichan]

here is alittle more clarity on my condition and mental state and to the people i'm talking to.

I was bullied when I was young, I was spanked when I was young, growing up I avoid arguments/confrontations and fights. I also had a near death experience in my 20’s which aggravated my anxiety/symptoms/excessive worry behavior. And for the people…YOu are working, dude comes bang on your desk and yells at a task that he claimed he told you to do. He proceeds to scold you like you are little boy and stares down at you. Then there is that girl that you know hates you stinkin guts and when you need to get info from her for work she gives you that look like she doesn't want to work with you and would rather work with someone else. Then you have that guy that thinks you are stupid and how you ever landed on this job. Finally you got that friendly nice girl that you gains your trust and when you least know it.. blabs and talk about you behind your back to your supervisor or to other people... i could go on and on..

Then there is that vendor/designer that promise you they will have the product ready by such and such date GUARANTEED but then calls you the day before and say "sorry to be a bearer of bad news but I don't think we can get it done in time" and now you gotta explain and spend the next 24 hrs to resolve this mess.



All this is what causes anxiety and makes me lose sleep and not want to go to work the next day. the worse are the symptoms, you can't think about anythingm you can't enjoy anything .. all you think about is the fear/anxiety/worry and that makes your mind and heart race 200 bpm's you lose sleep/tired and thats when you lose your cool on your kids because you can't do it to people at work.



Desperately need advice/suggestions/help

 

[odibrom]

Ok, I'm gona share a story of me of about 2 years ago. I was hired to draw/design packages for office furniture for a company positioned in a higher tier than IKEA, either in quality, features and, obviously, price tag. Since I'm kind of diligent with what I'm trusted with, I gave my best in designing functional packages that could mirror/showcase the product. I had never done that kind of stuff before, so I had quite a learning curve before me, either in finding my way of projecting cardboard packages and how to deal with other colegues (those who buy the packages/manage company's stocks, those who package the furniture, etc...) and external service providers who were everything but helpful. I'm not a "lion", so I do things in my own way, kind of bullet proof, but in my time. It even happened that the furniture specs changed and I wasn't even notified... needless to say the the previous designed package got scrapped... several times... and their drawings archive was like a labyrinth to find useful info. After all, they just wanted the corner's grocery store kind of package for a product supposed to be top tier quality or almost like so.

I also was assign to develop the company's white sheets of their products. I was assign when the project was already up and I had to work with another guy who was in charge to build the illustrations, but on my terms. I had to create the illustrations concept, the whole product white sheet concept, but he was to build/draw the illustration, which is fine by me... however, he was always doing something else, also important for the company, but left me hanging hands empty...

I was fired in a year due to incompetence since I couldn't present anything thing useful, but thankfully so, because I wasn't getting any happier. Their loss. I never felt I belonged inside that company so why bother? I felt like I was fighting against a wall all the fucking time, every fucking corner I found a new obstacle, a new impossibility to overcome, so I simply collected them. I'm still amazed on how that company grew that much on that inside working lack of method, but I couldn't care less.

There will always be people who will say YES in front of you and do nothing or worst in your back. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do your best. Not engaging in whomever else problems requires a lot of strength from within. Think of it like this, they are aggressive because they fear something/someone they don't know (you). People fear changes (see what Covid brought to light?). The unknown generates anxiety, which leads to fear and that to aggression. They are more anxious than you are, so don't let them contaminate your inner peace. Cultivate the unknown with your knowledge, but don't share the cards you have up your sleeve.

::::

My advice, besides the ones already suggested, which I strongly recommend (I'd say Aikido since it has no competitions, but one can always evolve in Karate, Kung Fu, or any other martial art without having to compete), is to leave every worry at work. Use your comute as a meditation. It's difficult, but your family doesn't deserve to receive that fuck up of a day when you come home, they just want your attention and play. If nothing else works, due to time or whatever, get yourself a boxe punch bag and unleash your anger there. Take photos of the people you work with and glue them to that punch bag... and attend martial arts classes as soon as possible.

::::

About martial arts, and this is my opinion based on my experience, I see them as a path to self enlightenment with the knowledge of how to deal with the other. There are many paths, almost like the faces of a pyramid. The north face is Kung Fu, the east is Karate, the south is Aikido and west is Crav Maga... and so on. They all will lift you up to a certain point (your vertex). They focus you to get that high. From the vertex you can see all your surroundings, but that is not the end. A pyramid is an infinite geometry that mirrors itself in its vertex, one can always expand higher and higher. When one starts to walk this path, one can only see the face he/she has ahead. The higher one goes, the more one acknowledges that there are many other possibilities and alternative paths one can go... even other pyramids, some smaller, some taller... eventually some may even seem to be better.

Martial arts aim to fight without fighting, to learn where the confrontation really is and how to deal with it without even touching your opponent, but one can only do that fighting... fighting in a controlled environment, with goals and objectives of growing inside (not just on the ring's score board). A martial art school focused on score boards and competition isn't teaching you who to be a better man, only how to be a champion... and champions have a sad faith, they are overthrown by the next competitor (see that speed picking thread)... so the path to be a better man doesn't deal with competition, or, in other words, isn't fixed in competition, but in granting that those around you can live in peace because they know they can trust you. A martial artist life work is to bring peace to those that surround him, either directly or not, to those who live with him or those he crosses the street with.

Most people just react to confrontation based in fear of loosing something they think they have. Most people mirror behaviors without questioning them because it's easier to blend in. Some will even boost those behaviors in order to project themselves. Those who seek to control are those who fear the most. A martial artist seeks no such things. A martial artist shares kindness and confidence in him and in others, and that's what makes him a good leader.

::::

Practical advice to do: always reply with a smile, always say hello, good by, how are you, how can I help (this kind of things), even when someone is yelling at you. Never reply in the same way, never yell back. That is your best weapon. This doesn't mean you should bend over to whatever desire someone else has on you, it just means that you can maneuver your way with pleasantries. You can reply with "I acknowledge your needs, I'm very sorry but at this moment I cannot do that because I'm doing something else. If you want me to stop what I'm doing, please inform this and that persons about it and let them tell me so..."... this kind of thing... Speak with pleasantries and kindness and you'll win every one.

More on this, you won't get yourself contaminated with the lack of anger management of your colegues, which will translate in a happier home life... be patient. These things won't start working from night to day, but they work, eventually, and the best part is that it won't hurt that much if anything at all. Remember, patience is the science of peace.

::::

Something to read: Tao Te King... is an old Taoist book compiled by Lao Tzu dating way back to 2000 before Christ. Super actual and interesting reading, but sometimes a bit confusing, which also depends on the translation you find...

 

[Demiurge]

And for the people…YOu are working, dude comes bang on your desk and yells at a task that he claimed he told you to do. He proceeds to scold you like you are little boy and stares down at you. Then there is that girl that you know hates you stinkin guts and when you need to get info from her for work she gives you that look like she doesn't want to work with you and would rather work with someone else. Then you have that guy that thinks you are stupid and how you ever landed on this job. Finally you got that friendly nice girl that you gains your trust and when you least know it.. blabs and talk about you behind your back to your supervisor or to other people... i could go on and on..

Unluckily, you have to deal with these people. Luckily, these are virtually archetypes that can be found in most offices, so I'm familiar.

Dude bangs on your desk and acts aggressively- he's being a child and nothing counters a conniption fit like calm. Don't get flustered or defensive because that's what they want because it's akin to deference in the animal kingdom. He doesn't get his binky. Too fucking bad for him.

Girl with the attitude problem- I wouldn't be too concerned about the demeanor of a person who cannot contain their displeasure for doing their job. Probably not going far. Too fucking bad for her.

Guy that thinks you're not qualified for your job- well, you have the job and clearly he's not a decision maker in that regard. It doesn't matter if he thinks you kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Too fucking bad for him.

Gossip girl- I'd highly doubt that you're the only victim, and it's only a matter of time before this behavior backfires, saying the wrong to the wrong person. Then they become girl with the attitude problem and fated similarly. Too fucking bad for her.

Sounds like you work with a bunch of assholes. What industry are you in, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[vejichan]

Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions.

a few things i picked up over the years.. that helped me alittle was a) call a friend but make sure that friend is reliable and will be willing to listen and understand what you are going thru b) excercise and do what you enjoy doing.. i know this is tough because you have 0 energy or interest because you can't focus or do anything else but just do it.. every day it will be easier. Excercise and doing what you enjoy doing makes your body more prepared to handle the anxiety c) train your mind.. your mind is like a tape record or that broken record.. try to slow down that tape or record from spinning by that I mean try to stop it for 5 minutes one day and gradually increase the duration day after day .. the way i do it is mentally say to myself "ok i will put all my fear/stress/worry in a box and refuse to think about it for 5minutes today. then 10minutes, 1hour, 2hours etc. but there are days when that record or tape will spin 200 mph so its a challenge but then go back to A, B and try c again. obviously i still need help thats why i'm here. The other thing I do is repeat empowering or encouraging words to yourself thruout the day. "I can do this" "words can't hurt me" "My family loves me" "these people have no power over me"

 

[vejichan]

yea suffered from it for a long time. Was tough to handle when I was single.. would wonder around endlessly because my thoughts were out of control .. now i have a family.. its has been hurting my relationship because I don't interact much with them when I have full blown anxiety and worry.


My mind is the enemy. How do i Turn off the endless thinking which in turn causes the high heart rate and blood pressure and in turn causes sleepless nights and lack of interest in doing anything and then in turn makes you not very sociable or want to interact with people. I'll give you an example. You send an email out to a co worker "hey hope all is well. Happy friday..I want to let you know that i have turn in the document etc.. please let me know if you have any questions" you wait 3-4 hrs no response. .you start thinking she doesn't like you etc. now this thought goes on and on .. you checking your inbox for a response .. you send her followup " hey just wanted to check in if you receive my e-mail below etc.. " 3 hrs no response 3 days pass no response.. and you are thinking about this all day .. when this thinking start.. you heart starts racing , blood boiling and you can't stop it.. you just want to go to her and say why aren't you responding to my e-mails/msgs.. then a day 5 she responds back and say sorry for the late response i had an issue or problem that i had to take care off. Yea I got your document. Have a great day!.. so you i basically torture myself for 4 days for nothing! another example .. i used to be a teacher. in my mind..I'm thinking my students hates my guts, my classes are boring, the other teachers hate me.. the other teachers don't think i can do my job.. from day 1.. my body was on full defense mode with these thoughts in the tape recorder on auto reply all day long 24/7 for 3 years.. after 3 years of torturing myself.. my contract was up and I found out i was loved by everyone.. The principle thought I did an excellent job.. all the students loved my classes etc. SO I basically tortured myself for 3 years for nothing



now you see why some of my thoughts are not real but then I do have experiences where they are.. for example. I had a co worker who hated my guts it was obvious.. I tried hard to help her but she hated my guts so much.. so after 2 years of working with her.. she found an opportunity and spoke with the boss about something i messed up on and i was let go.. but i found a better job after.. but the point is regardless .. If my thoughts are real or not. I don't want to suffer this anxiety every day every hr with this crazy crazy insane thinking and sleepless nights and tiredness. I want to just live my life and not care about these thoughts and just Let them go! I need to turn off the mind/thoughts when i go home so i can enjoy time with my family and kids. I feel I’m losing my mind my time and health due to my anxiety/worry/stress

 

[SpaceDock]

I have job that often involves people who are freaking out. The key is to just stay cool, don’t mirror them, talk slowly, listen to them and allow them to burn out their negative energy while you just chill. It takes a lot of practice and patience but being able to calmly let others defuse is a very good skill.

 

[vejichan]

Thanks Everyone. your advise is extremely helpful

I know the simple way that would fix my anxiety/worry issue is these 7 words "STOP Giving a F*&K What People Think!" sorry for the language. But thats not easy.. its near impossible when your brain like your windows PC don't respond to the commands you give it.

 

[Hollowway]

My 11 yr old daughter has more worst terrible issues. She worries that we (parents) might die tomorrow and where she would end up. That's on a daily basis. And, it's not just that, there are a bunch of other issues we don't understand. It could get frustrating for us sometimes. Seeing a therapist helped her. Please see one.

Anxiety is real.

Wow, I have the exact same issue, and my daughter is also 11. She gets it from me, but her anxiety is WAY worse than mine. I also had her see a therapist, which helped, I think. I'm on anti-anxiety meds (SSRI), but I don't want to start her on any just yet.

But OP, definitely seek a therapist, if you can afford one.

 

[odibrom]

... martial arts build self awareness and confidence, which are the right tools to fight anxiety from within... which is the only clean way to fight it and punch it out of one's system, but it takes time, more or less depending on the person and on the anxiety severity. Time is the key factor here, in lack of it, medical help is the way, for it provides a fast reaction in most cases. However, martial arts build from within, they grow structures inside of us where we though was a void before. They reconnect one's body and soul. It's this separation that is the cause of most of the pain all over the world... people are disconnected with their bodies and their nature...

... also, consider to eat more fresh fruits and vegies, if you don't already. They're Nature's medication...

 

[Spaced Out Ace]

Not much help, I'm sure, but I realized I no longer had anxiety (or at least as much of it) when I realized everyone else is awkward, anxious, and weird. Regulating my breathing by pacing it and making sure it is long and full, as well as focusing on the current objective rather than the list of stuff I need to do helps quite a bit. Walking helps, especially if I need to organize my thoughts or to do list.

 

[sleewell]

Brb about to go put some fire on some sticky icky and then play guitar



Not much anxiety here, sorry you experience that bc it doesn't sound fun.



Valium?

 

[vejichan]

The thing with my disorder/anxiety/excessive worry disorder is that it want me to give into it.. because if you do that the anxiety cools down and your heart rate, pressure, stress levels etc is back to normal. There are so many things that will trigger my anxiety/stress/worry and once it's triggers Its full on 24/7 non stop excruciating mental and physical anguish regardless whether or not the thought is real or not. I used to spend my entire life avoiding and giving up.. the easy way out and realize as i got older that i lost so many relationship opportunities, job opportunities and life experience opportunities.. so basically all i can do is perserve and deal with my anxiety/worry/stress and not "ACT" on them. Just keep going.. but sometimes its tough really tough



Your thoughts only becomes real once you "ACT" on them but the anxiety/worry/stress of living with them is just way too much to bear .. even if you act on them they don't really go away. But from my experience if you don't act on them and just resist those thoughts, bear the anxiety/worry/stress then you allow LIFE to show you that those thoughts were wrong. THose are the moments that I cherish.. because i didn't give in and it all ended up great!! however than there those days where those thoughts are real but thats a choice you have to decide. Do you want to risk having wonderful experience just to avoid those negative experiences. Is it worth going thru the anxiety/worry/stress ,, i mean they will show up anyway .. so why not just bear it and suck it up .. own it and wake up bright and early on monday morning.. say to yourself "YOU ARE AWESOME!! YOU GOT THIS



!!! DON'T LET WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY OR DO EFFECT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF!>> and get back in there and just DO IT> Of course i'm saying this to myself right now surrounded by negative thoughts with my heart/blood pressure racing and my hands trembling .. I can do this.