SS Love and Relationships Thread

[RevDrucifer]

This reminds me of the number of times as a kid I'd be left in a drooling, tear-filled state and mom would "make it better" by telling me he had a rough childhood so I can't blame him for it.

Sometimes I wonder why I try so damned hard now.

Mom's going into in-patient rebab/physical therapy. And I need to coordinate with her roommates, who never pick up a god damned phone, on getting her a bunch of stuff for her longer stay at the hospital. And if I just show up, chances are better than 50% that roommate number one will be passed out drunk somewhere on the other end of the house, and roommate two will be downstairs with the headphones blasting "working" and not hear the door.

I do get tired of the expectation of "Just take care of things" placed on my shoulders, but even more tired of the fact that when I step up and actually do take care of things, I've got somebody at home ready to tell me what a doormat I am for trying to take care of my elderly parents.

That doesn’t sound like a healthy situation, man. I hope you find whatever answers you need to see your way out of it or can change it to a healthy one.

 

[nightflameauto]

That doesn’t sound like a healthy situation, man. I hope you find whatever answers you need to see your way out of it or can change it to a healthy one.

Thank you.

Some days are better than others. Just one of those deals where I feel like I'm getting looked down on for every "be a decent human" move I make outside the house. Mom's surgery this week has brought up a lot of that for me.

 

[p0ke]

I don't think this is an "as a dad" situation. I think it's a "he needs therapy" situation.

Ah, gotcha. Didn't have that context so it sounded like pretty typical "constantly pissed off with the kids" stuff, just taken a lot further than what I'm dealing with here. Not that I'd ever lash out at some service worker or anything like that anyway.

 

[RevDrucifer]

Thank you.

Some days are better than others. Just one of those deals where I feel like I'm getting looked down on for every "be a decent human" move I make outside the house. Mom's surgery this week has brought up a lot of that for me.

Sometimes the best thing to do is shut off your ears from the noise and just have a few minutes to remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing and patting yourself on the back for sticking to your guns because you know your intent is honest.

When you don’t get that intention reflected back at you in the way you’re putting it out there, it can beat you up, it’s like being misinterpreted by the people you care about and should care about you, but it can happen from time to time and it’s important to shut that noise down before it hits you negatively. YOU know your intent and sometimes others need to simply fuck off.

 

[nightflameauto]

Sometimes the best thing to do is shut off your ears from the noise and just have a few minutes to remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing and patting yourself on the back for sticking to your guns because you know your intent is honest.

When you don’t get that intention reflected back at you in the way you’re putting it out there, it can beat you up, it’s like being misinterpreted by the people you care about and should care about you, but it can happen from time to time and it’s important to shut that noise down before it hits you negatively. YOU know your intent and sometimes others need to simply fuck off.

Yeah, but ya gotta be careful with that too because enough of that, "Fuck off I'm doing my best," reflected at your wife can turn really ugly really easily.

I think it would help tremendously if I could figure out how to have real alone time again. Too many discussions about that in our hose since she left work ended at an empasse, or a full-blown meltdown. Apparently going to work is my alone time. She's forgotten what a mind-drain, what a soul-drain, what a self-drain work is.

 

[STRHelvete]

So if I can be serious for a minute. This is probably something very very few will relate to but I guess I'll just put it here to vent a bit since my therapist will be away for a couple of weeks.

The basic problem is...I tend to attract submissive guys, guys who aren't fully self realized, and generally just guys looking for a "daddy"...and I'm tired of it.

Through my whole life I pretty much ended up being responsible for someone's care. I took care of abusive parents until they both died, did the same in relationships, etc. I think part of that background conditions me to be a little more take charge and perhaps a bit more stoic than others.

I grew up influenced by the punk and metal scenes, pre-"politically correct" humor, etc. I'm sure that's had an effect on my personality, coupled with the fact that when I was growing up, being gay wasn't as accepted or cool as it is now. I got into a lot of fights, had to even square up with my own family and risk losing them (none of which I talk to these days). I had to deal with a lot of opposition and make lots of social sacrifices just to be myself. Older gays always say that gay kids today are too soft and fragile, and I kinda agree to an extent, having grown up in a much harsher environment than what's around today.

Another aspect is that gay culture really does reduce people to stereotypes like Pornhub categories. It's a very sexually male driven culture, and those in that culture often resort to these various male archetypes to attract others. I'm a big black guy and very, very rarely does anyone see me as anything other than some mean, aggressive top. Sometimes I'll lie to people hitting on me and tell them I'm a bottom just to see their brains explode because for lots of gay men the idea of a large masculine black man being a bottom is absolute blasphemy.

Then there's the way I look. I have a bunch of piercings and a mohawk. I suppose I look "punk" or "goth" or "alternative" or whatever the fuck you want to call it. In the gay world that tends to translate as "kink" or a leather guy or something.

Age also plays a factor. I'm 39, got some gray hairs, and I'm far from the skinny youthful look which translates in gay language to "daddy".

All of that seems to create this perfect storm of being some sort of beacon that attracts the "little boy lost" types. Always younger, always unsure of themselves and needing to be molded into something, always looking for guidance and protection. Mentally unstable, financially unstable, intellectually unstable, etc. I don't attract older guys because for some reason gay men get to like 40 and over and go chasing all the 20 somethings, I don't attract larger guys because they see me as one of them.

It'd be nice, for once, to not be the one in the relationship who has to lead and run the show. It'd be nice for once to just relax in a relationship and think "he can take care of this". Relationships are tiring and stressful because it's always me having to be "head of the household" so to speak, when you'd think that without the gender roles of a heterosexual relationship it'd be both parties. Nope. A friend asked me, given my personality, if I would even be able to let someone else take charge in a relationship and at this point from decades of always having the lead I'm not sure but damn I'd love to try. I'd like to have the opportunity.

Would I date again? Yeah, but honestly I just don't think I'll ever find what I actually need in a relationship and I'd much rather be single. I like being single. I won't deny it gets lonely sometimes but I can't keep playing daddy to grown men who can't man up and act accordingly.

/rant.

 

[OneTwoThrill]

Thank you for your post full of confidence, authenticity, humanity and emotions.
I fully understand what you mean whatever the gender you like. Whatever the box people want to put you as a kinky, a daddy, or whatever. You look free from society injunctions and I will always be happy to meet free people as you are (I suppose you are). If people feel comfortable in their boxes or by putting others into boxes, it's your concerns not ours.

One thing I love the most on this forum is how sensitive people we can share with. We are all fond of music, emotions so yes : we are fucking sensitive humans.

I met a lot of partners at the grocery, in the street, in my job, or on line (Fetlife was a good source to find people as kinky as I am). I have met super-sensitive persons with really interesting life, so many battles, sometimes struggling with themselves, sometimes in peace with moments of anger against a dysfunctional parent, an evil schoolmate, or whoever...

43yo here, single with a nice partner but we are altogether open minded with the forever monogamic standards. We are happy each other to share moments with another person or group of people. It will never injure our relationship. We are not worried about losing each other, being compared, being betrayed, being left alone. We are enjoying our lives and we embrace evolutions in our life.

 

[soliloquy]

Not exactly related to relationships, per se, but i'm really glad i found my new therapist.
Ive already been to about 6 or 7 therapists in the past. Some better than others, yet I believe where things went wrong with the previous therapists is that they were validating me.
Though validation feels great, it doesn't help me break out of my cycles.

With this therapist, first thing i set out with her is to constantly keep challenging me. If i have problematic views, i want them challenged till i see the errors oh my ways. So far that has been a game changer.

mind you, this is also the earlier days of a new therapist. So only time will tell how this fares.

 

[OneTwoThrill]

Motivated, you searched and have found an appropriate therapist, you did a good job.
Congrats!
A little bit of patience and you will overpass it.

 

[wheresthefbomb]

Not exactly related to relationships, per se, but i'm really glad i found my new therapist.
Ive already been to about 6 or 7 therapists in the past. Some better than others, yet I believe where things went wrong with the previous therapists is that they were validating me.
Though validation feels great, it doesn't help me break out of my cycles.

With this therapist, first thing i set out with her is to constantly keep challenging me. If i have problematic views, i want them challenged till i see the errors oh my ways. So far that has been a game changer.

mind you, this is also the earlier days of a new therapist. So only time will tell how this fares.

Good for you man, this is great to hear. I just got my insurance cards for my new job in the mail. Pretty excited to start shopping around for a therapist, I saw one a couple years ago through the university which was free, but it ended when she stopped her clinical practicum and went to be a real therapist for money.

 

[CTID]

Thanks y'all.

Just a quick update today: Contacted my sister and my parents, let them know about the situation. Sister offered for me to stay with her and her fiance in Chapel Hill, parents (predictably, being my parents) offered nothing, lol. So right now, I'm making plans to head out to NC in the next couple weeks. Getting started on getting my car registered, gonna get it towed to a shop to get it running again, and getting a quote for a POD for me to get my stuff shipped there while I drive cross country with my more fragile stuff (PC, guitars, etc.). I'm still devastated and just emotionally fucked but I feel a lot better having a plan in place. At least I know I'm not going to have to couch surf for potentially months, or just sleep in my car. I did that at 18 and it was hard enough.

Also talked to my wife yesterday, had a decent civil conversation about my plans, making sure she was in the loop. I think we're in a better spot, in that at least we can be in each others' presence without breaking down. Since we've walked the dog together a couple times and chatted about some stuff. Just trying to be friendly, and to be okay with this situation. I've already accepted I'm probably going to stay here for at least a couple more weeks while logistics get sorted out, so might as well not make it miserable and awkward for both of us.

Trying to be excited about new possibilities, at least. At least I never have to speak to her mother again another day in my life!

Damn it's crazy to think this was 3 weeks ago already. I'm still waiting on my car's registration, but my car is fixed up. We got a quote for a POD (actually the U-haul equivalent since PODs doesn't serve Bend) at a cool $3k to go from Bend->Chapel Hill. Did a bit of inventory on what I'd even be bringing in that container (since I wanted to have my guitars and PC and the like in my car with me for the whole trip anyway) and it adds up to less than half that amount. I feel like Mac in the episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia where Dennis says "you know Mac, I've actually been doing some inventory around here and it turns out you don't actually own anything in this apartment" the only furniture that belongs to me is my desk, my desk chair, and a $500 plasma TV that i bought in 2014. Not worth it.

Anyway, got most of my shit ready to go once my registration gets here, got a friend to stay with in Colorado Springs and hopefully another to stay with in Kansas City on my way over, trying to figure out where I'm sleeping the first and 4th nights of the trip still (likely somewhere in Idaho or near SLC for 1st night, probably relatively near Nashville 4th night), might just sleep in my car those nights, I'm really not sure.

Also that last line has turned slightly comedic: wife told me her mom really wants to see me (she's in Boise, so on the way) on my way out because she's "going to miss me". I have mixed feelings on that. She was there for me when my own family kicked me out, and she gave me a roof over my head when I'd only been dating my wife for something like 6 months - which is a pretty decent risk. But she's also not the same person she was then, either. She's become so hostile and paranoid and hateful basically ever since Trump came about. The whole reason we're in Bend in the first place after moving to Boise is because she lost her fucking mind in 2022 and trashed her house over family drama. So yeah, I'm not really certain if I'm going to, especially when I have some friends in Boise I'd much rather see than her.

So yeah, that's pretty much it for now. Things are going okay, otherwise. Mentally I'm doing a lot better than I was a little under a month ago, the only thing that really gets me close to crying now is leaving my pets behind, but I also know it's for the best for them.


tl;dr: divorce sucks but things get easier. At least we didn't have any actual kids involved in this, and at least we're both mature enough to not be petty shits to each other while I'm still here. Hopefully heading out for the east coast in the next week or so.

ETA: soon to be ex knows about me leaving furniture here, btw. she said if i needed to i could, and she'd sell it on FB marketplace or something and send me the money for it, so it's not a complete loss on that front, at least.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

@CTID I'm really glad that you've got a solid handle on things and that you have an optimistic outlook regarding this new chapter in your life. Oh, and mamma-in law... I personally wouldn't stop there. As long as you have nothing to get off your chest and aren't seeking some kind of closure or anything, I'd steer clear and stay elsewhere. The potential for something going sideways or getting caught up in some unexpected drama is just a risk that I wouldn't take. She sounds unhinged, just as so many have become in recent years. Do your head-space some good and avoid her if possible. I hope that you keep us updated in this thread or another. Congratulations and continued support.

 

[jaxadam]

Whenever I’m not feeling very loved I just walk in this room and over to these fellas and they all swim over to me and give me a big fish hug through the glass.

 

[nightflameauto]

Whenever I’m not feeling very loved I just walk in this room and over to these fellas and they all swim over to me and give me a big fish hug through the glass.

Makes me miss my aquarium days. I sometimes referred to mine as water-pigs, though with cichlids, which was most of what I kept, it was more like water-dogs. They'll beg for both attention and food, just like dogs. Angel fish aren't that far removed from that behavior.