SS Love and Relationships Thread

[MFB]

Cause there's not much alternative? Consider the environment a lot of people are in:

- Once you're in your late 20s, it's not uncommon to find yourself in a scenario where you don't meet a lot of new people in a context where it would be appropriate to date anyone. You're not in school with a bunch of single people around. Maybe you work in a small office, where it would be inappropriate or there'd be too much risk in dating coworkers if things go south. Maybe you just don't go out much, or have many interests that put you in the path of new people very often.
- If you're out in public, we now have this sort of established unwritten rule that you're not allowed to speak to a woman you don't already know. Introducing yourself to strangers is now "creepy" and "rapey" unless you're especially attractive. At a concert and want to say hi to someone? Nope, not acceptable. Want to get the number of that cashier who's always really friendly at some place you shop regularly? Nope, that makes you a creep. I dunno if this is a side effect of recent activism/feminism or something, but there's this heightened sense lately that anything one might do to put themselves out there isn't appropriate anymore.
- People don't seem to go to bars anymore. And if you DO go to a bar, the previous rule applies. Unless you're one of those people who go to "clubs", which is a whole culture I just don't understand. If you're not the type of person who goes to bars, then you probably want to meet someone who similarly wouldn't be normally found in bars. That means that the people who might want to meet eachother have no context in which it would happen normally/naturally.
- Dating apps/sites that don't use the same shallow filter-by-swiping thing rely entirely on guys taking random shots and seeing who answers. And by "who answers" I mean "nobody answers". The idea of a matching algorithm of any kind just doesn't work. Your "matches" never have any interest in acknowledging that you exist, let alone replying to any introduction. At least with the swiping mechanic, any "match" means you've at least gotten past that first filter and might have a chance to establish communication.

So what does that leave you with? You either use Tinder, or resolve to just be single. Or sometimes alternate between the two.

All of this.

 

[Ebony]

The bit that confuses me:
There are some people who seem to just never stay single for any amount of time, and I don't understand how they do it. As soon as one person is out of the picture, there's immediately someone new. Even people who seem like they would have a hard time finding anyone- but there's always someone there. It makes me constantly question whether or not I'm just doing something wrong- or maybe there's something about me that just makes me unattractive or something. Why do some people constantly search and make themselves available but ultimately find nobody and stay alone, while others seem like they would need to put effort in to avoid starting new relationships with people?

I've seen examples of what you're describing, and in my experience the people that do this are the same needy people that are prone to rash decision-making in other aspects of their lives too. They latch on to each other for comfort and security, and when their relationship rapidly and unavoidably goes down in flames there is always another waiting on both sides to pick up the pieces.

Low standards, be it physical or intellectual lends themselves to higher quantities of potential mates, increasing chances of reproduction. And yes, I did just proclaim that people who swap their "love of my life" every few weeks have lower standards than average.

Not that there is anything remotely wrong with passionate friendships and casual sex with multiple acquaintances, but professing true "love" with someone you may just end up hating the following day is obviously a stupid thing to do.
And isn't that the whole point of the word "relationship" in this context?
To point out the difference between being "with" and "for" someone as opposed to merely "enjoy" someone?

Then they assume that what they have is something more than a chemical cocktail fueled by sexual reward and social programming, which may even be the case sometimes but isn't 99% of the time.

If one doesn't believe in these easy-to-get, easy-to-lose relationships (as opposed to something like friends with benefits), one is naturally not going to be in a relationship as often as those who do.

 

[TedEH]

needy people

Low standards

I get that, but I don't understand the mechanism by which they find each other. I mean that in the sense that there are definitely days I'd be willing to lower some standards and make some rash decisions myself, but there's just nobody around to make those decisions about. For some it's maybe about making quick/rash vs thought out partner choices, while for others it seems like there aren't any choices to pick from in the first place, if you get what I mean.

 

[Ebony]

I get that, but I don't understand the mechanism by which they find each other. I mean that in the sense that there are definitely days I'd be willing to lower some standards and make some rash decisions myself, but there's just nobody around to make those decisions about. For some it's maybe about making quick/rash vs thought out partner choices, while for others it seems like there aren't any choices to pick from in the first place, if you get what I mean.

Absolutely, it's funny how the world seems emptied of women sometimes.
I think it's pretty easy; either one is too ugly, or one isn't trying hard enough to search them out.

Take the situation you mentioned where all unattractive men are labeled creeps for talking to potential women.
That is something where one just has to ignore the "rules" and hope the girl finds you attractive/interesting enough to not brand you a creep.

Sure; social media, religious dogma and modern feminism has ruined actual, physical communication between the sexes, but as far as I know, women are still programmed to admire men that make an effort.
In a funny twist of irony, women seem to get even more excited about that than they used to, since such an approach is almost considered "illegal" today, and takes some serious balls to execute.

 

[Konfyouzd]

Cause there's not much alternative? Consider the environment a lot of people are in:

- Once you're in your late 20s, it's not uncommon to find yourself in a scenario where you don't meet a lot of new people in a context where it would be appropriate to date anyone. You're not in school with a bunch of single people around. Maybe you work in a small office, where it would be inappropriate or there'd be too much risk in dating coworkers if things go south. Maybe you just don't go out much, or have many interests that put you in the path of new people very often.
- If you're out in public, we now have this sort of established unwritten rule that you're not allowed to speak to a woman you don't already know. Introducing yourself to strangers is now "creepy" and "rapey" unless you're especially attractive. At a concert and want to say hi to someone? Nope, not acceptable. Want to get the number of that cashier who's always really friendly at some place you shop regularly? Nope, that makes you a creep. I dunno if this is a side effect of recent activism/feminism or something, but there's this heightened sense lately that anything one might do to put themselves out there isn't appropriate anymore.
- People don't seem to go to bars anymore. And if you DO go to a bar, the previous rule applies. Unless you're one of those people who go to "clubs", which is a whole culture I just don't understand. If you're not the type of person who goes to bars, then you probably want to meet someone who similarly wouldn't be normally found in bars. That means that the people who might want to meet eachother have no context in which it would happen normally/naturally.
- Dating apps/sites that don't use the same shallow filter-by-swiping thing rely entirely on guys taking random shots and seeing who answers. And by "who answers" I mean "nobody answers". The idea of a matching algorithm of any kind just doesn't work. Your "matches" never have any interest in acknowledging that you exist, let alone replying to any introduction. At least with the swiping mechanic, any "match" means you've at least gotten past that first filter and might have a chance to establish communication.

So what does that leave you with? You either use Tinder, or resolve to just be single. Or sometimes alternate between the two.

The bit that confuses me:
There are some people who seem to just never stay single for any amount of time, and I don't understand how they do it. As soon as one person is out of the picture, there's immediately someone new. Even people who seem like they would have a hard time finding anyone- but there's always someone there. It makes me constantly question whether or not I'm just doing something wrong- or maybe there's something about me that just makes me unattractive or something. Why do some people constantly search and make themselves available but ultimately find nobody and stay alone, while others seem like they would need to put effort in to avoid starting new relationships with people?

I think all the things you mentioned are a side effect of online dating. Ppl have become so comfortable pre screening via an online profile that probably lies a lot than they are speaking to someone in person. Then they have bad experiences with that and expect that real ppl are somehow worse than the fabricated alter egos they deal with on online dating sites.

Other ppls hang ups are not my problem. A woman who finds every man creepy must not really want one. She probably just likes attention.

 

[TedEH]

I think all the things you mentioned are a side effect of online dating.

Yeah, it's probably a bit part of it. I sort of imagine that women on those sites/apps basically have a huge influx of dudes to filter though and can just conveniently pick whoever they want to interact with, whereas dudes basically throw themselves at ALL THE PROFILES and hope that every once in a while there will be a response back.

Another part is maybe how much we "live" online in general, not just through those apps. People are a lot less social in person. Whenever I do actually meet someone new, it usually ends up meaning we become "facebook friends" and then almost never see eachother in person again. Could be the times, it could be that I'm not 16 anymore, but it seems like friends don't just hang around eachother in person anymore just for the sake of it.

I had a thought yesterday- I wonder what speed dating is like, and how it differs from online. Seems like you'd filter people very differently in person. I've heard some weird/bad stories come out of those events, but part of me wants to try it anyway for sh*ts and giggles.

 

[will_shred]

On a related note, I just had the worst tinder date of all time. This gal was the most uninteresting, vapid, and just... awful person I've met in a long time. I actually just walked off after 10 minutes of trying to pull a conversation out of her, after she is the one who gave me her ## and asked to hang out. I'm joining the "eff tinder" boat. I'm going for quality not quantity.

On a related note; single dudes, how do you deal with it? I went from being with the same person from 15-20 years old, with an amazing sex life and what I thought was a really great relationship that completely blew up in my face. After being single for almost a year, it still feels like I was dumped yesterday. The pain is still extremely raw, and I deal with it every moment from when I wake up to when I go to bed. It often feels like I will never find love again. the few dates I've been on have been pretty awful, and every girl i'm actually interested is already with someone.

 

[Konfyouzd]

Yeah, it's probably a bit part of it. I sort of imagine that women on those sites/apps basically have a huge influx of dudes to filter though and can just conveniently pick whoever they want to interact with, whereas dudes basically throw themselves at ALL THE PROFILES and hope that every once in a while there will be a response back.

Another part is maybe how much we "live" online in general, not just through those apps. People are a lot less social in person. Whenever I do actually meet someone new, it usually ends up meaning we become "facebook friends" and then almost never see eachother in person again. Could be the times, it could be that I'm not 16 anymore, but it seems like friends don't just hang around eachother in person anymore just for the sake of it.

I had a thought yesterday- I wonder what speed dating is like, and how it differs from online. Seems like you'd filter people very differently in person. I've heard some weird/bad stories come out of those events, but part of me wants to try it anyway for sh*ts and giggles.

I thought people were less social until I moved into an area where I literally knew no one and was forced to interact with those around me just to get around.

What you find is this:

There are far more people in the world that feel exactly like you than you think. And the reason they aren't talking to you is probably for the exact same reason you aren't approaching them. They think you won't be interested in what they have to say.

Conversation is the easy part man... Women of all spectra of attractiveness / race / what-have-you talk to me all the time on a daily basis simply because I dare to speak to them... I mean... Maybe it never goes anywhere, but so what? Maybe it wasn't meant to? Every person you find attractive isn't your soul mate, but to become more comfortable with speaking with anyone you meet makes you all the more ready to meet said person.

One who begins his / her journey at the destination forgoes the journey... While that may sound great to some, have you ever seen the movie Click?

 

[will_shred]

Relevant

 

[TedEH]

They think you won't be interested in what they have to say.

To be fair, a lot of times I'm not interested in what they have to say, so that's on me.

I honestly recognize that I have a couple of (possibly unique?) barriers to getting anywhere in the dating world, and they're mostly my own fault if I think about it too much.

I can manage to meet people if I try hard enough, but a lot of times I don't really try because I've somehow convinced myself that "my type" is something very specific that I don't see in the average person. And maybe that's ok. I'm very set in my ways, in my lifestyle, and I don't have much interest in introducing another person into that unless I think they're going to contribute something positive to that model. I've been in situations before where being with someone made it feel like I couldn't just be myself, and I have no interest in that again. There are definitely a lot of people that I'll see and think "I would rather continue enjoying my single-ness". And lets not kid ourselves, sometimes being single and not having to answer to anyone is great.

I've also started to think that maybe I'm too.... friendly? As in, not aggressive or forward enough. Aggressive is probably the wrong word. I've met a handful of people in the last year and went on what could be objectively described as dates, that I thought went really well, to later find that they didn't think of me as a date for some reason, so much as just a friend. Apparently, they were not dates, that was just "people hanging out as friends, right?" I mean, how do you meet someone on in the context of a dating site, but not expect an outing to count as a date? What about my behavior says to them "this is not a date"? I also strongly suspect that in at least one case where this happened, it was mostly said as a means to avoid admitting that they just weren't interested.

 

[will_shred]

To be fair, a lot of times I'm not interested in what they have to say, so that's on me.

I honestly recognize that I have a couple of (possibly unique?) barriers to getting anywhere in the dating world, and they're mostly my own fault if I think about it too much.

I can manage to meet people if I try hard enough, but a lot of times I don't really try because I've somehow convinced myself that "my type" is something very specific that I don't see in the average person. And maybe that's ok. I'm very set in my ways, in my lifestyle, and I don't have much interest in introducing another person into that unless I think they're going to contribute something positive to that model. I've been in situations before where being with someone made it feel like I couldn't just be myself, and I have no interest in that again. There are definitely a lot of people that I'll see and think "I would rather continue enjoying my single-ness". And lets not kid ourselves, sometimes being single and not having to answer to anyone is great.

I've also started to think that maybe I'm too.... friendly? As in, not aggressive or forward enough. Aggressive is probably the wrong word. I've met a handful of people in the last year and went on what could be objectively described as dates, that I thought went really well, to later find that they didn't think of me as a date for some reason, so much as just a friend. Apparently, they were not dates, that was just "people hanging out as friends, right?" I mean, how do you meet someone on in the context of a dating site, but not expect an outing to count as a date? What about my behavior says to them "this is not a date"? I also strongly suspect that in at least one case where this happened, it was mostly said as a means to avoid admitting that they just weren't interested.

If things are going well, in that situation I would just be like "hey, mind if I kiss you?" its worked 2/2 times for me, so that's a decent sample size, right? I think its good to be completely forward with your intentions to avoid any confusion. and if she says no than shes not interested and then you can probably still be friends if she doesn't get all uptight about it

I also just want to say that SSO is the only public forum where I feel comfortable bitching about my love life, or lack thereof. <3 you guys.

 

[TedEH]

^ I'm not sure I could have pulled that off in these situations. Which could be a sign that things were not, in fact, going as well as I had thought.

 

[Konfyouzd]

I have the same issues. But conversation flows completely naturally with some ppl. Yes. These ppl are much fewer and father between. Life can get a bit lonely in the time between but in some ways I think it's good. When there's chemistry it's obvious. When there isn't you're used to keeping on any damn way.

 

[Konfyouzd]

I have the same issues. But conversation flows completely naturally with some ppl. Yes. These ppl are much fewer and father between. Life can get a bit lonely in the time between but in some ways I think it's good. When there's chemistry it's obvious. When there isn't you're used to keeping on any damn way.

Oh... And the "this was not a date" thing is just how you say "I swiped right on 6 other dudes too..." (or whatever the positive direction is...)

 

[marcwormjim]

I talk to myself, too.

 

[TedEH]

Oh... And the "this was not a date" thing is just how you say "I swiped right on 6 other dudes too..." (or whatever the positive direction is...)

It could be, but I've always thought there was an expectation that the person you're meeting is probably also meeting/seeing other people, or could be. I've had dates admit, on the day I met them, that they plan on meeting someone else the next day or something like that. No big deal, I might be doing the same. I'd rather the honesty.

 

[youngthrasher9]

Turns out it's not a good idea to let a girl convince you to share your psychological profile of her with her.

I'm a dumbass

 

[marcwormjim]

Trying to bring this thread back on-topic: I've had love and a relationship for the last few years, now, plus before that.

 

[kamello]

Turns out it's not a good idea to let a girl convince you to share your psychological profile of her with her.

I'm a dumbass

ok, what the hell happened? sounds interesting

 

[Konfyouzd]

The fuck just happened?

"So I've been reading this book right... And it turns out women like you tend to be batshit insane. Isn't that hilarious?!"