SS Love and Relationships Thread

[BucketheadRules]

I want to say that I'm attracted to her for her, but my mind is telling me that I'm being drawn to her brokenness.

Nah man, I think you're actually attracted to her - you were, before all this stuff came out, and if you still are then I assume it's actual attraction to her as a person, rather than some white knight complex thing. Whether or not you're more attracted to her following those revelations is another thing... in any case, you haven't said whether or not this is something she actually carries around as "baggage", or just something that happened a long time ago, which she's managed to move past. It could easily be the latter - not everyone who goes through messed up sh*t like that lets it get the better of them for years on end. I'd say this could be worth pursuing.

Don't look at her as someone you have to nurture - look at her as someone you just want to spend time with and see what happens. Certainly don't pursue things because she's someone you have to nurture. If it turns out that she really does need a little extra emotional support, then obviously that's something you need to provide, but treating that as something you actively want to provide from the off is an unhealthy way of looking at things, IMO.

 

[TedEH]

Don't look at her as someone you have to nurture

I almost sort of disagree. If you can identify that taking care of someone is part of what makes you tick in a relationship, and you can make that work for you, then maybe it's good to just embrace that idea and run with it rather than denying your emotional motivations. It's only a problem if you think it's a problem. A big part of establishing a connection with someone is opening up like she has by telling you things, and being supportive, which is what you're doing.

 

[youngthrasher9]

I appreciate both points of view.

That said, some new stuff happened. She turned out to be more than damaged. Like sociapath level shit happened, making me and her an impossibility. I can't really go into it.

 

[cult]

So, I don't have a GF anymore after 4,5 years, been living together for 3,5 years...
I have a fiancee now And it went as smooth as possible.

 

[High Plains Drifter]

@ cult- Congratulations to you both!

 

[cult]

Thank you very much!
I thought it was about time, gotta keep the good things good and the great things great.

 

[youngthrasher9]

Rejoined tinder. Ended up matching with a girl who is totally my type. We've been talking for a few days, got her digits yesterday, and I think I'm going to ask her out later today, maybe tomorrow. She seems really sweet and we've been getting along swimmingly. Apparently we almost knew each other IRL before either of us joined tinder- I helped butcher her dads pigs when I worked at the last butcher shop. I have a good feeling about this girl, there's something more pure about her than the feelings I've had about girls that I've been running into as of late.

 

[TedEH]

I've always had super mixed feelings about online dating and things like Tinder, not because I think they're "wrong" by any stretch, but because it sort of breaks down the process of meeting people into something not quite grounded. As a vehicle to meeting people in real life, sure it serves it's purpose, more or less. But in terms of anyone trying to form any sort of valid evaluation of others with basically just a picture or two and a couple of vague sentences, there's no way to really tell who you're talking to. I mean, I think I've got lots to contribute to a healthy relationship, but how exactly are you supposed to get that across? I'm particularly terrible at selling myself in that way, as I think many people are, which means I'm very likely bypassing people I'd actually like in person, and likewise reaching out to people I'd probably want nothing to do with in reality. The end result is that you just don't meet anyone. Or the people you do meet don't lead to anything. But that's just how it works now, I guess. The alternative is.... nothing? Going to bars? Just doing your own thing and hoping you'll naturally run into someone following a similar life path? What if your regular activities don't involve going to places where there are people?

I guess the end result is that if you're not someone whose lifestyle puts you in the path of very many other single people to meet, you basically have apps, or just resolve to not bother. Something about that kinda makes me sad.

 

[youngthrasher9]

The description you mentioned at the end describes my situation well- I'm in no position socially to meet single people in real life often.

 

[boozeislove]

youngthrasher9

If you like her call her right away.You will show her youre not in 9nth grade


I would also like to maybe help others with my own experience with a girl i dated a year ago.We met randomly back in 2015 and immediately there were sparks between us,so we started hanging out.We noth knew what was coming tho.Aaaaand there were some red flags along the way
1:She didnt get along with her family-this is always bad and especialy if they are just good people concerned about you.Also you cant build a new family if your old one is not working out BIG DEAL!
2:she was basicaly living with her ex.I think this is self explanatory
But even with this information my mind was a pink fog of love so i proceeded and got into relationship with her and at first everything was sunshine and rainbows-great convos lots of sex..etc i wanted to even give her a child,would do (and did) everything for her and we got engaged

Long story short i went to another town to work for the summer so we could move in togheter and while gone she had gives and takes with other people,when confronted about it she started some manipulative games to convince me its my fault


What i took out of this whole clusterf**k was:never do hurried decisions,dont fully trust your other head,and always wait for dire situations before you judge a person.Lastly-there are red flags in your head for a god d**n reason,you fool!

So those are my on love and relationships

Cheers!

 

[Ordacleaphobia]

Exponentially starting to increasingly regret leaving my ex last year. It's starting to be a consuming facet of my personality and it doesn't take a genius to realize that's incredibly unhealthy, but I haven't the faintest idea of what to do.

I tried a clean break. I tried staying friends. I tried getting her back. I've tried almost every 'style' of handling this, nothing works. We were together for about 4 years and I honestly believe leaving was the biggest mistake of my life, and the regret has just slowly been welling up ever since. I tried getting her back recently and that didn't work, and now instead of the closure I sought things are worse than ever. She wouldn't say anything definitive, all she said was not right now, that it wouldn't be fair to who she was seeing now to jump ship and try things again with me. She deflected when asked point blank if she still loved me.

So now I don't know, there's more uncertainty than ever, and I'm steadily loosing my mind.
Sorry for the blogpost.
I gues just make sure you really think about these decisions, guys....the consequences can be unreal.

 

[Ebony]

Exponentially starting to increasingly regret leaving my ex last year. It's starting to be a consuming facet of my personality and it doesn't take a genius to realize that's incredibly unhealthy, but I haven't the faintest idea of what to do.

If your post is nothing but venting, then ignore this post.
If you wanted a response, then here goes some tough love from a stranger;

It sounds like you're way too dependent on her. Not only is that repelling in itself to most girls on the most basic, primal level but as you've clearly discovered it causes a great bit of pain and frustration.
If it doesn't function any more, then it doesn't function. Simple. You need to force your brain to accept this.

If she truly has become an addiction to you, you need to treat that like you would treat any other addiction, be it heroine, food, porn or nasal spray. Bite the bullet, get rid of your need for her.

Not only will it remove this "biggest mistake of my life" Disney bullshit, but you may come out of it wondering why you ever bothered to cling on to her in the first place.

 

[Ordacleaphobia]

What's sad is that it never stopped functioning. I had just made a stupid decision to leave. Can't really go into detail without writing a novel, but trust me, it was a really uncharacteristic moment in time.

But yeah, I'd always tell people the same thing. Even while this was all happening, I knew that was the core of it all and that if I were to give myself advice, it'd be pretty much the same thing that you'd just said. I tried it, for a good while too, but ended up losing the willpower; I got pretty worn down after a while. Too many common friends was what did it. Difficult to carve someone out completely when nearly everyone you know is around them / mentioning them.
And you don't want to be that guy that tells people not to mention so-and-so just because you can't deal with your own problems. So I dunno. It's all borked.

God help me if I ever pick up cigarettes.

 

[youngthrasher9]

I like this girl probably waaay too much. Not to the point of fantasizing about a future together (checked myself before I wrecked myself)- but definitely more than I should. She is just so much like me it's strange.

 

[will_shred]

Been single for almost a year now after being with my high school love for 5 years. it continually blows. Had no luck on tinder because I live in a pretty small area. At the same time i've drifted away from a lot of my old friends (but made some new great ones). I'm pretty average looking, with decent social skills, but I suppose these things just take time. it often feels like I'm never going to find anyone again, especially not someone as great as she was.

Cheers to the single guys. I can and most certainly will bury my sadness in gear purchases and other musical endeavors.

 

[Gravy Train]

My girlfriend has so much debt and only now is getting a job after 5 months of quitting her last. She had a job a few weeks ago that she worked at for a week and a half, but didn't like it and quit. She has no health insurance or anything like that, but didn't want to work. I just don't understand it. Maybe it was the way I was raised and the way I am (extremely responsible and always taking care of what needs to be done no matter the cost). I just don't understand how someone just let's that amount of debt accumulate without doing anything about it? Sorry for the rant, it just boggles my mind. Am I nuts?

 

[TedEH]

Am I nuts?

Nope, that sounds like a legit reason to be annoyed. Boggles the mind when someone doesn't work just because they:

didn't want to work

 

[MrBouleDeBowling]

So I met this girl during my friend's birthday. She's beautiful. She's awesome. She's smart as hell. She's open minded. We can non-stop talk about anything. We have a LOT of thing in common. We both really want to see each other again. We did hung out a few times. She's coming to my next show and she doesn't even like metal.

.....aaaaaaaaaaand she has a boyfriend. Goddammit. She did said she was interested and it's a bummer she has a boyfriend and we haven't met before. But I don't want to be that asshole who tries to get with someone's girlfriend and ruin a relationship. She loves him and I don't think she wants to deal with that kind of thing either. I won't insist and I'll let it go.

At least, I'm over my ex. I'm glad someone can spark my interest again.

 

[Konfyouzd]

Been single for almost a year now after being with my high school love for 5 years. it continually blows. Had no luck on tinder because I live in a pretty small area. At the same time i've drifted away from a lot of my old friends (but made some new great ones). I'm pretty average looking, with decent social skills, but I suppose these things just take time. it often feels like I'm never going to find anyone again, especially not someone as great as she was.

Cheers to the single guys. I can and most certainly will bury my sadness in gear purchases and other musical endeavors.

Eff Tinder... I don't know why ppl use that.

 

[TedEH]

Eff Tinder... I don't know why ppl use that.

Cause there's not much alternative? Consider the environment a lot of people are in:

- Once you're in your late 20s, it's not uncommon to find yourself in a scenario where you don't meet a lot of new people in a context where it would be appropriate to date anyone. You're not in school with a bunch of single people around. Maybe you work in a small office, where it would be inappropriate or there'd be too much risk in dating coworkers if things go south. Maybe you just don't go out much, or have many interests that put you in the path of new people very often.
- If you're out in public, we now have this sort of established unwritten rule that you're not allowed to speak to a woman you don't already know. Introducing yourself to strangers is now "creepy" and "rapey" unless you're especially attractive. At a concert and want to say hi to someone? Nope, not acceptable. Want to get the number of that cashier who's always really friendly at some place you shop regularly? Nope, that makes you a creep. I dunno if this is a side effect of recent activism/feminism or something, but there's this heightened sense lately that anything one might do to put themselves out there isn't appropriate anymore.
- People don't seem to go to bars anymore. And if you DO go to a bar, the previous rule applies. Unless you're one of those people who go to "clubs", which is a whole culture I just don't understand. If you're not the type of person who goes to bars, then you probably want to meet someone who similarly wouldn't be normally found in bars. That means that the people who might want to meet eachother have no context in which it would happen normally/naturally.
- Dating apps/sites that don't use the same shallow filter-by-swiping thing rely entirely on guys taking random shots and seeing who answers. And by "who answers" I mean "nobody answers". The idea of a matching algorithm of any kind just doesn't work. Your "matches" never have any interest in acknowledging that you exist, let alone replying to any introduction. At least with the swiping mechanic, any "match" means you've at least gotten past that first filter and might have a chance to establish communication.

So what does that leave you with? You either use Tinder, or resolve to just be single. Or sometimes alternate between the two.

The bit that confuses me:
There are some people who seem to just never stay single for any amount of time, and I don't understand how they do it. As soon as one person is out of the picture, there's immediately someone new. Even people who seem like they would have a hard time finding anyone- but there's always someone there. It makes me constantly question whether or not I'm just doing something wrong- or maybe there's something about me that just makes me unattractive or something. Why do some people constantly search and make themselves available but ultimately find nobody and stay alone, while others seem like they would need to put effort in to avoid starting new relationships with people?