SS Love and Relationships Thread

[Gravy Train]

This.

99.999% of my choices affect only myself at the end of the day, so not having to navigate someone else's feelings and life situations makes everything MUCH easier.

That said, I've grown pretty bored of that ease and I know a good chunk of my decision to be single is out of not wanting someone else to have the power to hurt me, I'd rather just not even give them the option by keeping them out; which isn't healthy at all.

I know what you mean. But I do think there is someone out there for everyone, even if it takes a lifetime to meet them. I'm going to take things nice and easy and see where it goes!

 

[Maybrick]

I know what you mean. But I do think there is someone out there for everyone, even if it takes a lifetime to meet them. I'm going to take things nice and easy and see where it goes!

Thats the correct attitude to have.

Problem with other peoples attitudes of "It's easier to be alone because I dont have to keep someone happy" or similar is they were doing it wrong in the first place. In a relationship you shouldnt have to ever be trying to keep someone happy. Things work out when you're not actively 'trying', it just comes naturally.

Best advice I can give you if you get with this girl is just make sure you keep time to do things you enjoy. Whether its playing an instrument, video games (within reason), going to the gym or whatever.

I read something a few months ago where someone said your partner should never be the focus of your life, they should compliment it.

 

[TedEH]

Problem with other peoples attitudes of "It's easier to be alone because I dont have to keep someone happy" or similar is they were doing it wrong in the first place. In a relationship you shouldnt have to ever be trying to keep someone happy. Things work out when you're not actively 'trying', it just comes naturally. [...]
I read something a few months ago where someone said your partner should never be the focus of your life, they should compliment it.

It's a nice ideal, but I can't agree entirely with it. I mean, yeah, find people that compliment your life as opposed to just fitting any ol' person in because you don't want to be single- but relationships do need work and time and focus and all of that stuff. Otherwise healthy relationships can and do break down if one or both people never put any work into it. Additionally, the extra work and focus of being in a relationship at all might be the very stuff that stops any relationship from being complimentary to someone's life in the first place. It doesn't mean it should be difficult work- arguably it should be easy or enjoyable most of the time, but not always, and it's still something you have to do.

I know that after splitting up with people, it's difficult to avoid pinning all the flaws from that situation at the other person, but I can recognize that a lot of where I went wrong in previous relationships involved failing to invest the kind of time and focus on the partnership that it needed, as opposed to just checking the "yup, I've got a partner" box and going back to focusing on myself after that. I think the idea of wanting to focus on yourself instead of another person is legitimate. I've made vast improvements to my health, my mood, character, musical skills, work skills, etc., in the last year that I could have only done as a single person. I needed that personal time and focus without anyone else to really make any serious progress in a number of parts of my life. Things I've bought, lifestyle changes I've experimented with, people I've spent time with, I went on a short tour, etc.- a lot of it just would have never happened.

I know I'm getting farther and farther from my point BUT while I'm in a vaguely rant-y mood-
Going off into talking-about-random-nonsense territory....

I've been getting frustrated lately with this weird pattern I've been seeing - in which anyone I might have an interest in is attractive to me, in part, because they don't need me, but because they don't need me there's little drive to spend any time together - then inversely, I keep having these conversations with people who seem very driven to build some kind of connection because they seem to believe they have a need for another person in order to fix their issues, and that idea really pushes me away.

At one point in my life I would have said "oh hey! Random lady on the internet is giving me some attention!" and that would be awesome, and I wouldn't think twice about it - but after engaging in a number of these conversations about how they're depressed and unemployed and sad, it occurs to me at some point that, for at least some of these people, there's this sort of left-un-stated but implied idea that if they can build a relationship with someone, then that will fix their depression somehow. Then once that's fixed, they can get a job and move out and follow their dreams etc etc etc.

And it's not going to work. For two reasons - one is that I have zero interest (and I'm sure most other people are the same) in taking on another persons issues, and putting yourself out there with "hi, I'm depressed, please love me?!?!" is extremely unattractive IMO. But more importantly, relationships don't fix the issues you have as a single person. They don't fix depression or self-image issues, etc. These are things you have to work on as an individual, regardless of whether or not you're single. That's not to say that other people can't help you, but that's not what relationships are for. Sometimes being in a relationship (or thinking that you need to be in one) is impeding your self-help.

Edit: sorry for the ranty wall of text.

 

[Gravy Train]

Thats the correct attitude to have.

Problem with other peoples attitudes of "It's easier to be alone because I dont have to keep someone happy" or similar is they were doing it wrong in the first place. In a relationship you shouldnt have to ever be trying to keep someone happy. Things work out when you're not actively 'trying', it just comes naturally.

Best advice I can give you if you get with this girl is just make sure you keep time to do things you enjoy. Whether its playing an instrument, video games (within reason), going to the gym or whatever.

I read something a few months ago where someone said your partner should never be the focus of your life, they should compliment it.

I would have to agree completely on your last sentence. This is something I've learned the hard way over the years (and something I see my younger brothers struggling with). I guess we really only get perspective when we're out of the relationship and have the peace of mind to reflect on the past.

 

[Maybrick]

It's a nice ideal, but I can't agree entirely with it. I mean, yeah, find people that compliment your life as opposed to just fitting any ol' person in because you don't want to be single- but relationships do need work and time and focus and all of that stuff. Otherwise healthy relationships can and do break down if one or both people never put any work into it. Additionally, the extra work and focus of being in a relationship at all might be the very stuff that stops any relationship from being complimentary to someone's life in the first place. It doesn't mean it should be difficult work- arguably it should be easy or enjoyable most of the time, but not always, and it's still something you have to do.

Yeah I understand what you mean, relationships need work or effort put in but I think that work or effort should only really come down to what plans you fancy making with your partner at the weekend for example. I'm going to the Cinema tonight with my girlfriend after work, the effort in this example was we decided what to do, both thought of the cinema as a nice idea then what film we both wanted to see. Work shouldnt go to the point where you're thinking "...., what should I do this weekend to make my girlfriend happy". When I was with my ex I was that really awful cringe worthy guy where I kept trying to plan loads and loads of different things that I thought would keep her happy but to the extent where I was worrying, thinking "Will she like this? Will she like that?" in a panicky sense. All my plans revolved around what would make her happy, even if it was god awful events or trips that I'd hate. Relationships should never get to the point where you're getting worked up like this, planning stuff should come naturally and benefit you both.

I know that after splitting up with people, it's difficult to avoid pinning all the flaws from that situation at the other person, but I can recognize that a lot of where I went wrong in previous relationships involved failing to invest the kind of time and focus on the partnership that it needed, as opposed to just checking the "yup, I've got a partner" box and going back to focusing on myself after that. I think the idea of wanting to focus on yourself instead of another person is legitimate. I've made vast improvements to my health, my mood, character, musical skills, work skills, etc., in the last year that I could have only done as a single person. I needed that personal time and focus without anyone else to really make any serious progress in a number of parts of my life. Things I've bought, lifestyle changes I've experimented with, people I've spent time with, I went on a short tour, etc.- a lot of it just would have never happened.

Totally agree and getting in a relationship will obviously reduce stuff like that but you do have to make the conscious decision when you get in a relationship about what areas are going to suffer, what area's you're going to stick to and so forth. For example I was going to the gym 5 days a week for about a year and a half between my ex and my now gf. Now I'm with my current gf whom I'm living with now (only within the last few months), I dont go to the gym as much as I'm spending more time during the week with her. Time spent playing video games has reduced but instead, I'm still making it clear to her that I'm spending evenings in the week playing guitar and time at the weekends too because thats my passion and she knows that. Unfortunately its the sucky side of growing up and being an adult, its understanding that THE most important thing in your life is time and how you spend it.

I've been getting frustrated lately with this weird pattern I've been seeing - in which anyone I might have an interest in is attractive to me, in part, because they don't need me, but because they don't need me there's little drive to spend any time together - then inversely, I keep having these conversations with people who seem very driven to build some kind of connection because they seem to believe they have a need for another person in order to fix their issues, and that idea really pushes me away.

At one point in my life I would have said "oh hey! Random lady on the internet is giving me some attention!" and that would be awesome, and I wouldn't think twice about it - but after engaging in a number of these conversations about how they're depressed and unemployed and sad, it occurs to me at some point that, for at least some of these people, there's this sort of left-un-stated but implied idea that if they can build a relationship with someone, then that will fix their depression somehow. Then once that's fixed, they can get a job and move out and follow their dreams etc etc etc.

And it's not going to work. For two reasons - one is that I have zero interest (and I'm sure most other people are the same) in taking on another persons issues, and putting yourself out there with "hi, I'm depressed, please love me?!?!" is extremely unattractive IMO. But more importantly, relationships don't fix the issues you have as a single person. They don't fix depression or self-image issues, etc. These are things you have to work on as an individual, regardless of whether or not you're single. That's not to say that other people can't help you, but that's not what relationships are for. Sometimes being in a relationship (or thinking that you need to be in one) is impeding your self-help.

Yes! I made this mistake with my ex who I was with for about 3 and a half year (which was horrid, but then most people say that about their ex's right?!) I also read something that illustrates this as a very big issue in relationships, especially for guys. It talked about how certain guys (like myself at the time) would look at girls in the situation you described as being 'project girls' in that, you look at them and want to help and get in a relationship to help them. My ex was unhappy with her body, her life etc but there were certain qualities of her that I liked at the time. Problem was, I think I was more invested in 'helping someone' which is why I got with her rather than 'she is hot, has all these qualities, I can definitely build a stable relationship out of this'. You do help certain aspects of their life and then they do move on like you say, or (like what happened to me) which is the more realistic outcome is that after about a year or so I realised that I was naive but didnt want to admit that I had made a huge mistake. Obvious as it is to say, you need to find someone who is happy with themselves before you get in a relationship as it'll just bring you down otherwise.

The classic case of a girl thinking their fat (whether they genuinely think it or their just fishing for compliments) is not worth getting in a relationship with. If they arent happy it just rubs off on you and at the end of the day, you need to look out for number one.

I would have to agree completely on your last sentence. This is something I've learned the hard way over the years (and something I see my younger brothers struggling with). I guess we really only get perspective when we're out of the relationship and have the peace of mind to reflect on the past.

Yep - its exactly how I learnt too.

 

[Gravy Train]

She spent the whole weekend at my place and we had a great time throughout. We are now "official", haha. This is my first relationship in almost a year and I am looking forward to seeing where it goes! I think it definitely helped that we hung out and went on dates for a little over a month and a half before making it serious!

 

[Maybrick]

She spent the whole weekend at my place and we had a great time throughout. We are now "official", haha. This is my first relationship in almost a year and I am looking forward to seeing where it goes! I think it definitely helped that we hung out and went on dates for a little over a month and a half before making it serious!

Good job lad.

 

[squids]

well tomorrow is the ol 2 years with my girlfriend. things definitely have their ups and downs (she had a major vascular surgery last year and was recovering for several months), but im happy that none of it has taken too big of a toll on our relationship, and things are still going strong! (plus she buys me random gear that i always end up stoked on)
i'm in pharmacy school so i dont get breaks too often but we're going away for the weekend tonight and i'm real excited!
just thought i'd share some happiness haha.

 

[chassless]

Edit: whatever.

 

[ATOMICxTomato]

if someone, who knows you have feelings for them, keeps telling you that you're the type of person they would be with, yet they are in a relationship pretty much just playing with my emotions? Or trying to keep met at bay incase her relationship doesn't work? Or is it some kind of hint? Almost everyday I see her she has some kind of complain about her boyfriend, wether he is being moody or annoying or whatever.

So this chick started working at my job sometime last year, but I did't ever meet her til black friday. Ever since then we would text/talk pretty much every day. She opened up pretty quick about herself and so did I, which I never do. She is pretty awesome. Like you know when you meet that one person that you can talk to endlessly and never feel awkward, no matter what the subject is, thats what she's like. We've hung out a couple of times and its always a good time, even though the whole time she was in a relationship. And was actually dating some other guy that works there. They are still together, and me and her have a really good relationship with each other, but Im not the kind of person that will try to break up a relationship between two people. So for me naturally i'd just try to move on, but its not easy since I know I get pretty attached. Ive slowly stopped texting her and everything, even though she is the one who usually text first. But I feel like she may just be stringing me along. Am I right or wrong?

Also on a good note, this other chick who Ive been crushing on for quite some time but felt she wasn't interested in me, have started talking again, and have hung out abit. So yesterday we were supposed to hang out in the afternoon but she couldn't make it cause she had to baby sit. Well I ended up going out with a couple of friends and got semi wasted lol. Ended up drunk texting her and told her I actually liked for more than a friend and wanted to know if she would ever date me. To my surprise she texted me back in the morning and was surprised herself, because she never thought that I saw her that way, but she would definitely . Guess I should have asked much sooner hahaha. So I think its really time to let the other chick go, and give this a shot. I haven't ever actually been in a relationship so its kind of intimidating, but im naturally shy. Good thing is we are pretty close friends so it could maybe give me and edge, maybe lol.

 

[TedEH]

keeps telling you that you're the type of person they would be with, yet they are in a relationship pretty much just playing with my emotions?

Run from this.

To my surprise she texted me back in the morning and was surprised herself, because she never thought that I saw her that way, but she would definitely

While you're running, head in this general direction.

 

[ATOMICxTomato]

Run from this.


While you're running, head in this general direction.

Was thinking the same lol. Well lets see how this goes

Edit:
So Turns out this other chick is "talking" to someone else at the moment or else she would give me a chance. So that kinda sucked cause I got my hopes up for a bit but I'll be ok. So my search continues lol

 

[Gravy Train]

My girlfriend is acting weird these past couple of days. Kind of distant, not texting back like she usually does (very un-engaged) and just acting very out of character lately. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but this is how my last ex started acting before she cheated on me and broke up with me.. She keeps saying she's fine/okay, but I have some trust issues and I'm trying not to let them consume me

 

[TedEH]

couple of days.

I wouldn't be worried about a couple of days, people go through all kinds of things, could just be some bad days. Maybe sounds obvious, but have you asked? A simple 'hey, is everything alright' might give you answers.

but I have some trust issues and I'm trying not to let them consume me

This is the part I'd be worried about. A couple of bad days won't destroy a solid relationship, but trust issues definitely can.

 

[Gravy Train]

I wouldn't be worried about a couple of days, people go through all kinds of things, could just be some bad days. Maybe sounds obvious, but have you asked? A simple 'hey, is everything alright' might give you answers.


This is the part I'd be worried about. A couple of bad days won't destroy a solid relationship, but trust issues definitely can.

Yeah, I asked and she says she is okay. I believe her, it's just been an insane week so we're both on a edge a little I think..

I do trust her, it's just that thought sometimes rears its head sometimes, but I'm getting better of letting it go. Thanks for your words

 

[chassless]

People of SSO who are more mature than me, how can i learn not to let any girl i meet and fall for to become my entire world, and the purpose of my existence and everything i do?

 

[High Plains Drifter]

nvm...

 

[MFB]

People of SSO who are more mature than me, how can i learn not to let any girl i meet and fall for to become my entire world, and the purpose of my existence and everything i do?

You can do what I do and never bother trying to date anyone, ever. Then you become your whole word, whether you like it or not.

It's not the best of plans, that much I'm sure of.

 

[TedEH]

^ I think the takeaway should be that, yeah, you should be your whole world. It's the whole "love yourself first" thing. Doesn't mean you have to stop dating. Just prioritize being happy on your own first.

The trick is to ask yourself why you're doing it in the first place. Are you making another person the focus of your life in order to avoid focusing on something that otherwise would be making you unhappy? Then you need to address that other thing.

 

[MFB]

^ I think the takeaway should be that, yeah, you should be your whole world. It's the whole "love yourself first" thing. Doesn't mean you have to stop dating. Just prioritize being happy on your own first

That's the part I've never achieved, since I've never felt like I was worth something to myself - so how can I expect someone else to value me? Not sure where it comes from really, unless you count a life-time of mediocrity and settling for average; which makes changing it 10x harder when you just have this core belief of "Eh, I'm not really anything special."

Someone once said it can sometimes take another person to show us our worth, but I don't really buy into that idea either.