SS Love and Relationships Thread

[TedEH]

core belief of "Eh, I'm not really anything special."

You can simultaneously hold a core belief of "I'm not really anything special" at the same time as "but neither is anyone else, so it's a non-issue".

 

[flint757]

You can simultaneously hold a core belief of "I'm not really anything special" at the same time as "but neither is anyone else, so it's a non-issue".

There's something to be said for being content. I used to, and occasionally do still, beat myself up for my lack of accomplishments. In some respects we set our kids up for failure when we tell them they can do all these things they will likely never be able to do due to lack of money or job scarcity. For some it adds the notion that life has no meaning if you aren't special, remembered, or changing the world. The reason Nordic countries consistently rank as the happiest countries in the world is because they are happy being content with the now. I've been trying to live that way over the last year and it does help. Being okay with being average, when an average only exists because most people are average, is something almost everyone who isn't named Bezos, Musk, Gates, etc. eventually has to come to terms with. Most of us will inevitably be cogs in the wheel and only remembered by our families. Once we accept that reality IMO being happy is a lot more plausible (removes the resentment and disappointment). In truth, the Elon Musk's of the world I doubt are all that happy. People like him tend to never be satisfied, which is largely why they are so successful (always itching for more).

For myself, I was never satisfied because even when I improved I'd just look at the best-of-the-best and convince myself I wasn't doing enough. The whole 'there's always going to be someone better than you' thing. That mentality sets happiness aside for a future date that may never come, and even when it does your brain will likely create another obstacle/reason for why it's still not enough. You got to break the cycle.

 

[Semi-pro]

People of SSO who are more mature than me, how can i learn not to let any girl i meet and fall for to become my entire world, and the purpose of my existence and everything i do?

Realize that you're living your life for yourself. Do not compromise your goals and dreams. Then find someone who is ok with that and the time that you've got left to spend with her. My wife rarely nags about the lack of couple time. It's because she likes to do stuff on her own too. Of course all relationships have challenges too, but in general our attention-to-space ratio is quite similar, and that seems to be a good portion of what keeps us happy.

Avoid clingy girls at all cost!!!

 

[youngthrasher9]

So in the past four days:

I joined tinder
I started talking to a couple different girls on tinder
And finally, asked out the girl at work who I actually liked to begin with. (I tried taking "don't dip your pen in company ink" advice, wasn't working)

She said yes. Haven't set aside a day yet though.

 

[Simic]

I apologize for the incoherent wall of text that is about to follow but here it goes:

My girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up a week ago. I'm 23, she's 24. We are schoolmates and will be for 2 and a half more years (we study Medicine). I was her second long relationship and she was my first which is also why I don't know if the things I'm feeling right now are normal or not

The day we broke up she asked me what was wrong because I was acting 'off' for the last week or so and I just told her the truth - I wasn't happy in my life. We had a very emotional talk that lasted about 4 hours and then decided it's best to end it. I've had another 2 hours conversation 3 days later with her and we reached the same conclusion.

I have very mixed feelings about what happened though. On one hand I was the one that suggested that we end it (although the end decision was kind of mutual) but I didnt really have a good reason for it other than me not being happy with myself and the direction in which my life was going rather than not being happy with her as a partner and a person. She was not perfect but she had ticked the 3 boxes that I look for when considering a potential partner:
1) she was quite witty and smart (not on my level but she still had very good grades, especially since dating me) especially compared to some of my best friends girlfriends, which are dumb AF.
2) she was sane, down to earth and psychically stable - this is the quality that I find is the hardest to find, chicks in my town are f*cking crazy, especially my other female schoolmates (who also make up a significant part of my potential 'fishing pool') who are mostly on anti-deppresants or sedatives.
3) she was beautiful to me, on the inside and on the outside. She wasn't a 10/10 but I don't even need that, she was more cute than hot I'd say and I still like that about her.

On top of all that, she also listened to my kind of music and generally adored me and fully supported me with everything I did.

In spite of that though, I still wasn't happy and Ive given a lot of thought to this during this week and I came to a realization that I wasn't happy with the relationship itself. We've spent a lot of time together during these 3 years and actually spent the last 2 years being together every day, I lived at her study apartment last study year and this year when I got my own apartment, she moved in with me.

So as you can imagine we spent a lot of time together and I realize now that this was the core of my problem.
It's not that I didn't enjoy spending time with her, I enjoyed it a lot, but then these thoughts started to appear in my head: I'd rather practice guitar than do X thing with her right now or I'd rather go for a run or to the gym than do Y thing with her right now. And if I actually went and did that thing then another thought appeared and I was feeling bad for not spending time with her which made the thing I was doing (practicing guitar, hanging out with my boys...) unenjoyable. So I was basically caught in a vicious cycle of not being happy and to make things worse I was growing more and more unsatisfied with my progress in the activities I was missing out on because I was devoting time to her (guitar playing, fitness goals, hanging out with my boys...). This may sound like she was a freak but she never told me not to do something else if I wished, the problem was that I was feeling bad for not being with her when doing something else... I don't even know if what I wrote right now makes sense lol.

I guess I just need some time to focus on myself and be free, but I'm not quite sure if that is a legit enough reason for the break up seeing as everything else about us was on point. After a week now I can already see how differently I spend my time, I actually prep my meals, I train every day, I practice guitar every day for several hours and I just have more overall energy. I haven't felt this good in a long time. On the other hand though I miss her a lot during random activities like eating breakfast and drinking coffee, driving to school and back and talking about music etc. and it also breaks my heart to see how sad she is about the whole situation. And it's not like I can just erase her from my life, I'll be seeing her a few times a week (at least) for another 2 years.

The question that bothers me the most at this point is did I really do what's best for me? Will we ever lose our feelings for eachother or will it be awkward everytime I see her? Is it even possible to remain a normal friend with your ex?

 

[TedEH]

legit enough reason

I don't know how to word this properly, but you don't need a 'legit enough' reason. If you had enough of any reason at all to make the decision in the first place, that's all the legitimacy it needs. Needing space for personal development is a perfectly good reason to stay single. Once you're in a place where you've established the lifestyle you want, and can be happy on your own, then there's nothing that says you can't re-enter a relationship on those new terms. It's definitely possible to stay friends with an ex, or even get back together at some point, but that's entirely case-by-case and up to the people involved. Just be honest and up front about everything, do what you need to do, and hope for the best.

I don't know if the things I'm feeling right now are normal or not

It doesn't matter if it's "normal". Normal is relative, and irrelevant. But otherwise yes, I think what you're feeling is normal. I think lots of people in long-ish established relationships, early twenties, pretty much an adult now but lots of space for development, go through periods of wondering if they'd be happier in different situations. I was there at one point and didn't act on it. Instead I dragged on a relationship that probably should have ended much earlier. Zero regrets though. It's all valid experience.

 

[Obsidian Soul]

Long story...

I think the main issue is that the relationship escalated too fast.It seems like moving in together was suffocating you;it didn't give you the space and piece of mind to think out your time management because if it wasn't recreational or work time,it was her time.I think maybe you should consider how moving in will affect a relationship from here moving forward.

 

[squids]

ok so i have sort of a problem. i've been with gf for over 2 years now, but unfortunately she is having a really really hard time lately. when we spend time together, it's not like it used to be maybe a few months ago, she always seems unhappy, no matter how much she says she is happy. she had a major surgery last year and i think all of her psychological problems (not wanting to get up in the morning, never happy, etc) stem from it, because it was a huge deal.
i am 100% sure this is the girl i will marry someday, but im in school, and she works weekends so we only see eachother once or twice a week lately. i have tried nearly everything short of just saying "hey maybe it'd be good for us to take a break for a few months so you can focus on yourself". shes an amazing person, and i love her to death but being with her and supporting her has taken its toll on me massively. would it be so awful for us to take a step back and try again later in the year? or is that just essentially going to kill the relationship?

 

[broj15]

^^^ I hear you loud and clear man. I've been in a similar situation lately with my partner, though her issues stem from an abusive relationship with her most recent ex. I know some people will say that you shouldn't put her needs over yours, and if it gets to the point where you just can't take it anymore, then that may be true, however I've always felt like part of truly loving someone is recognizing when you need to be there for them, and it sounds like she really does need you. I know it's hard, but If I were you I'd stick it out and first and for most try and get her to TALK ABOUT IT. If she's not comfortable talking to you about it (and i know finding that out can hurt a lot. trust me.) then maybe urge her to seek help from someone she can open up to. Part of marriage is the whole "for better or for worse" thing, and what y'all are going through is the "for worse" part. My parents have been married for over 30 years and i know things haven't always been easy for them, but they've always managed to make it through, and if y'all are meant to be together then you will to.

 

[bostjan]

ok so i have sort of a problem. i've been with gf for over 2 years now, but unfortunately she is having a really really hard time lately. when we spend time together, it's not like it used to be maybe a few months ago, she always seems unhappy, no matter how much she says she is happy. she had a major surgery last year and i think all of her psychological problems (not wanting to get up in the morning, never happy, etc) stem from it, because it was a huge deal.
i am 100% sure this is the girl i will marry someday, but im in school, and she works weekends so we only see eachother once or twice a week lately. i have tried nearly everything short of just saying "hey maybe it'd be good for us to take a break for a few months so you can focus on yourself". shes an amazing person, and i love her to death but being with her and supporting her has taken its toll on me massively. would it be so awful for us to take a step back and try again later in the year? or is that just essentially going to kill the relationship?

I think that if she's going through a rough time, this might be just about the worst thing you could do. Obviously every person is different, emotionally, and under different circumstances, different outcomes are possible, but I'm just not seeing how "Let's take a break from each other for some unspecified number of months" is going to equate to anything short of a breakup.

Maybe I don't quite follow, but it seems like you barely see each other, and yet you are feeling like she's putting some sort of burden on you. You might want to analyze the thought process behind those two seemingly polar ideas, and try to ascertain why those two statements would go together.

If she really needs you right now, and you are just kind of slowly backing away, then something must be wrong somewhere. If you are drifting apart and she is sad about it, then you need to make it right if you don't want to lose her.

Whichever you choose, good luck!

 

[squids]

I think that if she's going through a rough time, this might be just about the worst thing you could do. Obviously every person is different, emotionally, and under different circumstances, different outcomes are possible, but I'm just not seeing how "Let's take a break from each other for some unspecified number of months" is going to equate to anything short of a breakup.

Maybe I don't quite follow, but it seems like you barely see each other, and yet you are feeling like she's putting some sort of burden on you. You might want to analyze the thought process behind those two seemingly polar ideas, and try to ascertain why those two statements would go together.

If she really needs you right now, and you are just kind of slowly backing away, then something must be wrong somewhere. If you are drifting apart and she is sad about it, then you need to make it right if you don't want to lose her.

Whichever you choose, good luck!

Thanks dude (and broj15, your advice really hit me in the feels)

You guys are both right. I think i've just been stressed out with school and i guess part of me feels like i kinda accentuate the problems, and so i was feeling like things needed room to breathe but yeah we don't see eachother super often so idk why i was thinking that.
we had a long talk last night about it, and i felt awful because her plan was to start taking some sort of medication in order to help control it, and here i am coming into it like "maybe we should just be apart". it is for better or for worse and this just seems to be one of those "for worse" times, but like you guys said, no sense just abandoning her to fend for herself. i feel like such a dummy haha.

 

[bostjan]

What about taking a day vacation together to do something you both enjoy, but something that will keep her mind off of whatever is bothering her? Go to the ocean or hiking in the forest or skiing or something. You're in Northern Cali, right? There should be lots of stuff you can do. I don't think you want to overdo it, but maybe something that breaks up the monotony a little, even something new to both of you, might be refreshing. If nothing else, you both might get to blow off a little steam.

 

[squids]

What about taking a day vacation together to do something you both enjoy, but something that will keep her mind off of whatever is bothering her? Go to the ocean or hiking in the forest or skiing or something. You're in Northern Cali, right? There should be lots of stuff you can do. I don't think you want to overdo it, but maybe something that breaks up the monotony a little, even something new to both of you, might be refreshing. If nothing else, you both might get to blow off a little steam.

This is really funny to me b/c i actually try to stay active/busy so im always at the beach or mountain biking or going for hikes and so of course she comes along when we do hang out.
Ive been on spring break this week and so we're seeing eachother again tonight, gonna try and go do something different haha.

 

[ASoC]

Just popping in for some good news: I went to the Periphery concert here in St.Louis with a girl from my English class and we had a great time. We've been texting pretty much non stop for a little over a week, so I think I have a new girlfriend. We haven't really discussed what our relationship is, but I'm really into her and it seems pretty clear that she's really into me

 

[ATOMICxTomato]

if someone, who knows you have feelings for them, keeps telling you that you're the type of person they would be with, yet they are in a relationship pretty much just playing with my emotions? Or trying to keep met at bay incase her relationship doesn't work? Or is it some kind of hint? Almost everyday I see her she has some kind of complain about her boyfriend, wether he is being moody or annoying or whatever.

So this chick started working at my job sometime last year, but I did't ever meet her til black friday. Ever since then we would text/talk pretty much every day. She opened up pretty quick about herself and so did I, which I never do. She is pretty awesome. Like you know when you meet that one person that you can talk to endlessly and never feel awkward, no matter what the subject is, thats what she's like. We've hung out a couple of times and its always a good time, even though the whole time she was in a relationship. And was actually dating some other guy that works there. They are still together, and me and her have a really good relationship with each other, but Im not the kind of person that will try to break up a relationship between two people. So for me naturally i'd just try to move on, but its not easy since I know I get pretty attached. Ive slowly stopped texting her and everything, even though she is the one who usually text first. But I feel like she may just be stringing me along. Am I right or wrong?

Also on a good note, this other chick who Ive been crushing on for quite some time but felt she wasn't interested in me, have started talking again, and have hung out abit. So yesterday we were supposed to hang out in the afternoon but she couldn't make it cause she had to baby sit. Well I ended up going out with a couple of friends and got semi wasted lol. Ended up drunk texting her and told her I actually liked for more than a friend and wanted to know if she would ever date me. To my surprise she texted me back in the morning and was surprised herself, because she never thought that I saw her that way, but she would definitely . Guess I should have asked much sooner hahaha. So I think its really time to let the other chick go, and give this a shot. I haven't ever actually been in a relationship so its kind of intimidating, but im naturally shy. Good thing is we are pretty close friends so it could maybe give me and edge, maybe lol.

So i screwed myself emotionally as I usually seem to do lol. Me and the 1st chick still talk a whole lot, especially since we work in the same department and I have gotten to far into my feels. Shoulda have ran away when I got the chance lol. While I have accecpted and kinda moved on i still have feelings for her. She has pretty bad anxiety and seems that she still dooesnt know what she wants. She keeps saying that shes probably better off alone and not fit for a relationship but me being me am always trying to comfort her and what not. Also turns out her boyfriend is jelous of me....well hell she is the one that litteraly texts me everyday...but im always eager to respond. I think i really just need to try to move on....

 

[flint757]

So i screwed myself emotionally as I usually seem to do lol. Me and the 1st chick still talk a whole lot, especially since we work in the same department and I have gotten to far into my feels. Shoulda have ran away when I got the chance lol. While I have accecpted and kinda moved on i still have feelings for her. She has pretty bad anxiety and seems that she still dooesnt know what she wants. She keeps saying that shes probably better off alone and not fit for a relationship but me being me am always trying to comfort her and what not. Also turns out her boyfriend is jelous of me....well hell she is the one that litteraly texts me everyday...but im always eager to respond. I think i really just need to try to move on....

Yes, you should move on. Your current experience almost mirrors one I went through about 4 years ago exactly. It damaged me beyond repair and she never intended to be with me.

 

[MFB]

Well it's over.

We talked and she said she had never really thought of me that way, that I've always been her best friend. She also said she never thought I felt that way, know or back then but she took it well.

This is EXACTLY what I expected, and I told her I just wanted her to know the truth and that's even though that's how she feels, I don't plan on being anything other than myself, since she was worried I was going to stop talking to her.

Well, I think it's safe to say that our relationship is over, even as friends

Can't really pin where it started exactly, but I think for a while, I put off telling her because I knew that if she didn't feel the same way; it was just our handful of mutual enjoyments keeping us together, and that wouldn't be enough, so I could just fade out of the picture so to speak.

Then that time came when I told her, and after I started to look at her without those 'goal goggles' on, and little things crept in on me and I knew no matter how much I tried to help her, those things were never going to change - and I didn't want to keep living in that rut of friendship. So our texts became less frequent (which she always initiated because she was always the one doing interesting things worth discussing), and my responses became colder, until eventually it wasn't worth texting.

It's sad really, but that's reality

 

[ATOMICxTomato]

Yes, you should move on. Your current experience almost mirrors one I went through about 4 years ago exactly. It damaged me beyond repair and she never intended to be with me.

Seems to be harder than i thought it would be...and I keep doing it to myself. Dam this really sucks, since she has been going through this whole depression thing I feel like I need to be there. I guest I just feel that maybe Ill win her over some way, but at the same time I don't see her breaking up with her boyfriend. Maybe because I feel she might feel the same way idk honestly.

 

[flint757]

While you could be the lone exception, in my experience she will likely not leave her boyfriend. You need to get some emotional distance. If later down the road they break up maybe then try to initiate something. Never wait around to be someone's second choice. Don't devalue your self worth by allowing her to do so either.

 

[ATOMICxTomato]

While you could be the lone exception, in my experience she will likely not leave her boyfriend. You need to get some emotional distance. If later down the road they break up maybe then try to initiate something. Never wait around to be someone's second choice. Don't devalue your self worth by allowing her to do so either.

Yea i was honestly thinking the same. It would be much easier for mecto move on if I probably didnt work directly with her, but ill find a way. Sucks that just as I was getting back into weight lifting, which really helped clear my mind and helped motivate me, i seem to have tore something and gotten a hernia lol. But thanks for the insight cause it really is what i need to do.