Seabeast2000
Deathcult® NPC
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2018
- Messages
- 6,153
- Reaction score
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Dance?
SS Love and Relationships Thread
- Thread starter SevenStringSam
- Start date
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Spaced Out Ace
Well-Known Member
No, safety djent.
Someone wants to be a mod.
Obsidian Soul
Well-Known Member
Dating IS dead.I don't understand the weird landscape that things like Tinder have created. Maybe I'm "using these apps wrong", but it seems like a horribly broken system.
Consider that people don't meet in person because now you can meet people via apps. Even those trying to meet people seriously do it online now. If you're not the type to go out to bars (or you don't want to date the types who spend a lot of time in bars), then there really aren't appropriate social spaces to meet anyone anymore.
But now you don't meet people in apps either, be it because there's more bots than people, or there's a built-in distrust of the attached hookup culture to it.
Or maybe I'm just really unattractive or something.
But the end result is that dating just no longer happens, I guess?
Who asks anybody to go specifically on a date?People hang out, "chill," and maybe get laid afterwards.I don't think anyone asks the other to go on a date,does a more "date" appropriate activity,and seriously vet each other.In fact,I think young women are intimidated if you use the term date instead of just "hanging out."If you are asking for a date,you should instead beat around the bush and say "hang out."
p0ke
7-string guitard
Yeah, these days it feels to me that dates are mostly for married couples, you know, when we ditch the kids at their grandparent's place and go to a fancy restaurant or something...
TedEH
Cromulent
I don't understand how you're supposed to get to know someone well enough without dating. I don't care if you call it "hanging out" or "chilling" - call it whatever you want - it's still a date.
Konfyouzd
Return of the Dread-I
This shit right here...
Young ppl got the game fucked up.
Speaking of dates and having the game fucked up...
I went to a bar a little while ago and this couple comes in... At least that's what they looked like.
They were very friendly and talked to me a bunch. We took shots together. Everything was really fun for a while.
He eventually goes to the bathroom and no sooner than he's out of sight she turns to me and says... "So uh... I don't think I'm really feeling that dude," staring me directly in the eye. She then starts moving in kind of close. By this time the guy is starting to come back from the bathroom and I'm talking to her while nodding rather vigorously in the direction directly behind her.
She turns around to see the guy standing RIGHT there as she's hitting on me.
He of course now--in some crazy display of insecure dominance--forces his tongue down her throat and I proceed to find a new seat at the bar...
The game is all fucked up...
And on all that "girls test guys by ______" -- especially the whole testing other dudes out for jealousy with a current boyfriend.
Fuck that...
If you want people to keep shit real with you, then pay it forward and don't ruin trust with bullshit tests and games. Trust is much easier lost than earned. And a woman that does something like that sounds like a woman that's on a perpetual hunt for a bigger and better deal
TedEH
Cromulent
I'd file that one under:
I think as soon as it becomes "the game" you've lost me, essentially. I'm not 16, I have no interest in playing games with people, unless those are video or board games.
Drew
Forum MVP
Devil's advocate, and from the perspective of one of the older people in this discussion (I'm 38).
I did my first foray into online dating last year - a friend of mine (ironically, someone maybe 5 years before I'd been set up with and dated for a while, before we decided we weren't what the other was looking for and decided to start over as friends) basically force downloaded a dating app (Coffee Meets Bagel, if anyone gives a shit - the thing I liked about it is it basically forces you to interact with other people, which is I think why she chose that one for me) and told me to give it at least a month of honest effort.
People definitely still go on dates, if that's what you're looking for. I was open about looking for a relationship, rather than just casual sex, and for a while there I was going on about three dates a week, which honestly was getting to the point where it was starting to interfere with me getting enough sleep to function at work. I don't know how often I described it as "do you want to go out on a date," but when you're saying, "how about we grab a coffee on saturday," or "do you want to get a couple drinks on Tuesday night?" or "do you want to get dinner on Thursday," that's a date, no matter what you call it. Maybe it's different in your early 20s and the first time you meet someone inviting them over to watch Game of Thrones and just fucking instead is the norm, idunno, but at least in the sample of 28-40 year old women I was meeting, we both had the same expectation that the first couple times we got together it would be going out on a date.
(the conclusion of the story is I met a bunch of pretty awesome women, was pretty blown away by one of them in particular, and have been happily dating her for a few months now, though she was pissed when she found out I only spent a hair over a month online dating, lol)
TedEH
Cromulent
I suppose my original complaint stemmed from the idea that despite a fair amount of use of these apps, I probably manage to get maybe three dates a year out of it, rather than per week. Am I doing something wrong? Probably, who knows. Maybe it's the area I'm in, maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm just a difficult person to match with. But that's what it's boiled down to at this point. If you can't sell yourself well on the internet, then you're screwed (or rather... not screwed?).
In either case, I'm not complaining in an "oh I'm lonely" kind of way -> I'm usually happier on my own. But it still would be nice to go on some decent dates from time to time.
Drew
Forum MVP
I mean, that was definitely not the norm for me prior to online dating, so I don't want to give you the wrong impression, either. But I went into it being pretty open minded - I figured that if I was (at the time) 37 and single, then odds are trying to date my "type" wasn't going to go very well so I needed to expand my type a bit. My criteria quickly becamse 1) at least somewhat attractive - I wasn't holding out for just drop dead gorgeous, but pretty enough that I'd at least be curious to read their bio, 2) no pictures with dogs (not really a dog person), 3) no kids, and 4) something in their profile that we could at least have a conversation about. Coffee Meets Bagel would give me 25 people a day to review, I guess, and I was usually able to find 2-4 people in that list I liked a day. They'd also give you a couple suggested matches of people who liked you at the same time. Between that, for the period I was actually working on it, I was probably matching with 3-5 people a week. Some of those never really went anywhere conversationally, some we'd talk but never really hit it off, and some we would go out on a date. The irony, of course, is that my girlfriend ended up being exactly my type.
Prior to that I dated way less (my friend mostly pushed me into online dating because she wanted better stories, I think), but for the most part the single biggest source of dates were friends of mine trying to set me up with someone, which actually generally worked pretty well for me and I met some really decent people that way. But that was more meeting a new person every couple months, rather than a couple times a week.
Happy to talk further offline if you want - I guess the only thing I can really suggest is don't be picky - it's almost always worth going out with someone for a drink, and even if you don't hit it off it's probably still going to be a decent enough time. The absolute worst date I went on in that whole stretch was the first, where I went out for a cup of coffee with a perfectly nice girl I had a really interesting conversation with, but it was pretty clear an hour in that we weren't what the other was looking for, even if we'd had a good conversation. That's hardly a negative out come.
Also, if you have a female friend you trust, have her go over your profile. My friend who pushed me into it started off my profile for me, chose most of the pictures, and gave me some good feedback. From the experience I had (as well as some of the comments my girlfriend made about pictures she did or didn't like in my profile) I should have just listened to Kelsey blindly rather than thinking on my own.
Konfyouzd
Return of the Dread-I
What's the significance of the quantity of dates?
I always wondered why ppl need to go on so many dates w so many ppl?
I also have a hunch the reason you say you're usually happier alone is simply that you're just dating ppl you don't really like.
But it could also be the common tendency now to not give others as much of a chance bc a [potential] replacement is a swipe away.
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TedEH
Cromulent
The significance is that the quantity negates your second point. It's NOT a swipe away. I could swipe through every available person for months and match nobody. And 3/4 people that DO match will unmatch or stop responding within a message or two. The significance is not that you have to go on a lot of dates, but rather that if you want to go on any amount of dates, it's incredibly difficult to make that happen. If the point of the app is to be able to say "yeh, lets go on a date this week" and then make it happen -> that doesn't happen for me. I'm pretty sure I haven't met anyone since early last summer, and thats.... almost a year ago?
I meant it at face value. I've put a lot of effort into shaping my lifestyle into what I want it to be, and there's no requirement for other people in there for me to be happy. I mean, think about it -> I literally do what I want, whenever I want. I'm not anti-social, I have friends. If I want to go out, I just do. No arguing over what movie/show to see, what games to play, where to spend vacations, who to be friends with, etc. I can lock myself in a room for a month and write an album and nobody is going to complain that I'm neglecting them or something. I didn't come here to say "I am lonely", because I'm not. I'm just fine. What I said was "I don't understand the dating scene, and I'm probably doing it wrong." To clarify: I'm not upset about getting few dates, just making an observation.
I am 100% of the mind that if I am going to be any amount of serious about any partner at this point, there needs to be some lifestyle compatibility, not just "oh, this person is hot and I can stand them". And a part of that is not being super dependent on each other.
In some sense, you are right, I have definitely gone through that phase of dating people that I just didn't like at all, just to not be single. I don't feel any desire to do that again. Learning to be happy on your own goes a long way, and I'm sure that when/if I meet someone who really is a "match" (and not by the metrics of an app), then we'll both be better off for it.
I’m doing a masters in computer science and it is really difficult, but my gf gets angry whenever I spend a lot of time on it because I don’t “make [her] feel wanted” anymore, I’m prioritizing other things.
like ugh, let me survive this hellish onslaught of assignments and try to be supportive instead please...
like ugh, let me survive this hellish onslaught of assignments and try to be supportive instead please...
Konfyouzd
Return of the Dread-I
I get where you're coming from, dude.
I feel like the advertised use of a product is now always how it's used. What did they say on Silicon Valley?
"What the monkey chooses to do with he technology is not necessarily an indictment of the technology itself." You sound a lot like the guy who gave the monkey a new arm and saw all the positive potential of such a thing. Unfortunately a lot of other people are just like the monkey--fascinated with their ability to touch themselves and throw shit.
In the end, you're left with something that is only effective if you're not the type of person likely to take it seriously.
What I found is that when I lost a bunch of weight and took pics of myself in tank tops playing guitar and bragged about my salary on those sites, it was pretty damn easy to get a date. And nearly every time it went about the same...
Girl would wanna hang out and fuck like rabbits for a few weeks, then she's magically busier than anyone has ever been and coincidentally all her profile pics on the site where you met her are also changing a lot around this time.
You seem like a really cool dude, man. Just talk to non-computer-women. They're pretty cool.
TedEH
Cromulent
I appreciate that.
I don't doubt that the online thing can work, but I'm mostly convinced that if ever I'm going to meet someone and have it work out in a "meaningful" way, it's going to be in a more natural setting- either at a show or an event that we'd both have had interest in to begin with, via mutual friends, via some kind of community we might both be part of already. Having some common ground to begin with goes a long way, I think.Winter is maybe kinda sort of on it's way out which is going to mean more shows, more time outside, more time in public, more socializing.
Konfyouzd
Return of the Dread-I
^ There you go 
TedEH
Cromulent
I mean, I still don't "understand the dating scene", but I'm not hung up on it in any way.
That's pretty common if the guitar Is a used Prestige
